Take Up Some Room, and Other Public Speaking Tips for Women Writers

Public speaking is a part of every author’s platform for promoting books. I’m always cautious about painting any group with the broad brush—most especially when it comes to culture or gender. Still, one pattern has stared me in the face across the decades of coaching hundreds of public speaking students. In greater numbers than their male counterparts, women speakers—and in particular women authors—sabotage their own messages when they speak in public.

            Gender-based self-sabotage holds women writers back.It keeps us from getting published at the same rate as men of similar skill. It prevents agents from signing us as clients. It keeps us from seeking and obtaining opportunities to speak about our writing and our ideas. What’s worse, when we do get the chance to stand before a group, we run the risk of diminishing our impact with sabotaging behavior.

            With a few simple adjustments to our habits, and a big tweak to our mindset and assumptions, women writers can speak about books and ideas appearing confident, composed, and passionate rather than self-conscious, self-critical and deferential.

            Let’s look at some simple changes that can make all the difference.

Tip 1: Stop insulting or minimizing your work. 

Once, at a writers’ conference, I met a charming and intriguing fellow attendee. We shared a table during the keynote address. Afterward, we chatted about the speaker and after a bit we started talking about our own writing. When I asked about hers she said this: “Oh, I’m not really a writer. I have a couple of chapbooks of poetry and a novel coming out in a few months. But it’s not by a New York publisher or anything. Just a small indie publisher.”

            In the words of the immortal Scooby-doo, “Rut-Ro”.

            In just a couple of sentences this conference pal had disparaged herself, her writing and her publisher. What’s more, she went on to talk glowingly about the writing of the other members of her long-time writing group.

            I’m not encouraging women writers to be bombastic braggarts; that’s a turnoff irrespective of gender. But hey, if you’re not proud of your book or your writing or your ideas who will be? Why not something like, I’m excited that the book is coming out and a terrific indie publisher has taken it on. I’m nervous, of course, but it’s a story I’m proud of and I’ve gotten great feedback about it.”

            In short, stop insulting your writing or apologizing for how it’s published. Be proud! If you’ve worked hard and written as well as you’re able, your writing deserves your respect and requires it if you want anyone to take it seriously.

            Tip:  Talk about your own writing the way you’d talk about the writing of your best friend whose work you admire. Don’t oversell or brag, but talk about what you like about your story or what made you intrigued enough to write it. By respecting your own writing as you would a friend’s, you’ll find that you can celebrate its strength and share your passion.  

Tip 2: Take a compliment. 

My mom was a great cook and especially loved to cook for big groups of guests on holidays. I remember one guest saying to her, “Those green beans are terrific, Sylvia. How do you make those?” To which she’d reply, “Oh, the beans were a little tough, I think.”

            This tendency to diminish a compliment is not unique to women, but in my observation it’s far more frequent in women than in men. I hear women writers and authors do it, too. Here’s one I overheard at a book launch. “Wow, I love your book cover. It’s so evocative.”

            Great compliment, right? Here’s how the author replied. “Yeah, well, it didn’t come out exactly as I wanted. I think that the colors are a little off. Kind of muted.” My intuition at the time was that the author didn’t feel this way at all about her cover. It’s just that she was uncomfortable with receiving a compliment.

            It would take longer examination of psychological and social evolution to determine why women diminish the praise they receive, but my simple advice is this: DON’T. Not only does this insult your work, it insults the person offering the praise.

            When someone offers a compliment about your writing (or anything for that matter) take it. Even if you disagree with it, thank the person who offered it. Better yet, add a little something.  How about: Wow, thanks. I had my doubts at first, and now I’m seeing what a positive response it’s getting.Better yet: Thanks so much. I like it, too. The cover designer did a terrific job. 

            Tip: The best response to a compliment is a simple equation: Thanks, plus. That’s thank-you, plus, adding something positive of your own.  

Tip 3: Don’t let body image boss you around. 

I once coached a memoirist, helping her to get her gorgeous family story out of her head and onto the page. When the book was ready, I asked her about her plan to pursue publishing. Her reply floored me. “Oh, I can’t publish yet. I need to lose forty pounds first so I won’t look hideous on my book tour and cover photo.”

            Wh-wh-what?   

            Women’s self-consciousness about their appearance—and most especially their weight—can be their sharpest self-sabotage weapon. Whether you’re lean or curvaceous, young or in your silver years, physically strong or challenged, your feelings about your body should not get in the way of your story.

            Body loathing is a huge deal and more complex than can be handled in any one article, so I don’t mean to imply that this is an easy shift. There’s one thing that’s patently clear: this is primarily an issue for women. I’ve not yet encountered a male author who would delay the publishing of his book because he didn’t feel thin enough or attractive enough. Mark Twain didn’t seem at all self-conscious about his tummy when he posed for pictures and didn’t tug at that white jacket of his to try to cover it up. Truman Capote wasn’t exactly an Adonis, but it didn’t seem to stop him from publishing books and going on TV to talk about them.

            Tip: Let’s learn something from the guys here, ladies. It’s about the writing, not the body.

Tip 4: No public grooming.

I often observe women whose messages and books are powerful, but their physical behaviors contradict that power. They continually tuck their hair behind their ears. They tug at their clothing or fiddle with earrings or bracelets. I’ve seen women who rake their hair with their fingers, changing the part of their hair with every gesture as if they’re trying on a series of different hairstyles for their audiences.

            At the least, this grooming behavior is a distraction. Worse, it can make the speaker come off as trivial or unintentionally flirty. I once coached a female executive, and when I pointed out her grooming behaviors in her practice video she literally shrieked! “I’ve been doing that in the boardroom? No wonder the CEO doesn’t listen to me!”

            It’s tricky to learn to eliminate these behaviors and requires some practice, but the simple technique I’ve learned is to keep my hands away from my face, hair and body and to keep them still when I’m not employing a gesture to emphasize or reveal my idea. Relaxing your hands all the way down to the fingertips will give you a sense of calm and give your listeners the impression that you’re comfortable in your skin.

            In another area related to appearance, I’ve watched more than a few women who let vanity get in the way of their storytelling by squinting as they read in public. This is far more distracting than any pair of glasses could ever be. Print it in extra-large font or wear the reading glasses.

            Tip: Wear what’s comfortable to you and do your grooming in the mirror before the event, not during your talk. Focus on the connection with listeners, not your appearance. 

Tip 5: Take up some room!

The most common sabotaging behavior I’ve observed among female speakers is that they make themselves “smaller” in front of a group. They clasp their hands, scrunch their shoulders, cross their feet while they’re standing and sometimes tilt their heads as they speak. It’s as if they’re trying to take up as little room as possible like a magician’s assistant trying to fit into a tight box. To top it off, I’ve often observed that women make their voices smaller and higher in pitch when they’re nervous, in an almost “baby talk” kind of style. I’ve seen this in female executives, technology professionals and even physicians as well as writers.

            While I’m not suggesting that female speakers should “man spread,” I do suggest this: take up some room.  With your body. With your voice. With your attitude. If you’re speaking, the floor is yours. Unclasp your hands and open your arms to gesture bigger than you might think. It implies open-heartedness and strength to do so. Position your head vertically, rather than appearing like a question mark. And by all means, use your full-throated voice. If your voice is naturally high in pitch, that’s fine, just use with confidence to sound mature and  “womanly” and not silly and “girly”.

            Tip: Take up some room. You, your ideas and your writing deserve it. 

I invite my fellow women writers, whether they’re published or aspire to be, to find and use their voices to entertain, educate or inspire others.  Get coaching. Get practice. Get feedback. This is the way to change these habits and to make yourself the most valuable part of your own writer’s platform.

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Betsy Graziani Fasbinder is an award-winning novelist and memoirist as well as a public speaking coach. She now shares her expertise in coaching public speaking in her new book, From Page to Stage: Inspiration, Tools, and Public Speaking Tips for Writers. Reach her at www.betsygrazianifasbinder.com

FROM PAGE TO STAGE

In this accessible, straightforward book, seasoned author Betsy Graziani Fasbinder offers readers the why, what, and how of public speaking, along with exercises and resources to support ongoing learning.

She provides inspiration and encouragement to help writers to overcome their fears of public speaking, but she doesn’t stop there; she also lays out the practical, nuts-and-bolts tools they need to select, deselect, and arrange the content of what to say when they’re on a podium, in an interview, or in casual conversations about their writing, and includes a model for handling challenging questions from interviewers and audience members with confidence and grace.

Part practical how-to―full of usable tools and tips―and part author cheerleader and champion, From Page to Stage is the ultimate resource for writers who wish bring their storytelling skills to their speaking opportunities.

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: How To and Tips