5 (Just The) Tips for Writing Authentic Sex Scenes

Several years ago, a Danish friend of mine made a casual remark that stunned me.

“Growing up in Denmark, sex was just another way of hanging out,” she said.

I stared at her, trying to make sense of this statement. “You mean . . . like watching TV together or going for coffee?”

“Yes,” she said. “It wasn’t a big deal. It was just something you did for fun.”

For me, this casual point of view did not compute. I had always viewed sex through a lens distorted by society, toxic experience, and the expectations of men. How could sex be as simple as getting a cup of coffee?

I wished I could see sex the way my Danish friend did, but the truth is, sex exists on a spectrum. It means something different to each of us, and that meaning says something about who we are and where we came from. These differences should be reflected in the stories we tell, fictional or not.

I am often surprised by how writers choose to tackle a sex scene. Some writers lean in HARD, describing every throbbing member, every pinched nipple. More often, I’ve encountered scenes that dance around the subject, beginning the act and then “cutting away” before things get heated, and I imagine the melody of a smooth jazz sax solo in the distance.

But sex is a vital part of life that deserves more than a hardcore pounding or a cutaway.

Sex brings people together, but it also drives them apart. It can create an emotional connection, or it can be a purely physical act. It’s an expression of love, and it’s a manifestation of hate. Sex is power, and it is helplessness. Sex is frustration. Sex is the consummation of a marriage, or the punctuation on a cathartic break-up. Sex ruins relationships, destroys lives, puts people in prison. Sex is discovery. Shame. Elation. Sometimes it’s the ultimate act of vulnerability.

These wide-ranging and often disparate attributes make sex the perfect means by which to learn more about your characters, their backstories, their motivations, and their neurosis. In short, sex can tell you a lot about your characters.

There is no shortage of tips out there for writing a “hot” sex scene. Aspirational sex, as I like to think of it. You know, the kind where two lovers orgasm at the same time? But let’s dig a little deeper, and explore the act of writing about sex in an authentic way that informs your characters.  

Sex is “just the tip” of the iceberg – I use character questionnaires to learn more about the people populating my novels. But I have a tendency to write characters with complicated sexual histories, so I’ve started using a questionnaire entirely devoted to sexuality. Try approaching your character’s sexuality as you would any other aspect of her identity.

Ask yourself, what is this person’s sexual backstory? What turns her on? Does she prefer oral sex to penetrative sex? Is she straight or gay or bisexual? Has she had many partners? Is she comfortable having sex? Does it scare her? Does she like to experiment? Is she monogamous? Has she suffered abuse? Been sexually harassed? Been the perpetrator of sexual harassment? Has she had an accidental pregnancy? An abortion? Has she ever had an STD?

Think outside the “box” – You’ve probably heard this one: the body’s most important sexual organ is the brain. Sexual response––particularly for women––is a mind-body reaction. So, what goes on in a woman’s mind while she’s having sex?

She might be remembering a particularly hot encounter with someone other than her current partner. She might be obsessing about whether her breasts are big enough, or wishing she could pause to put on socks because her feet are freezing. She might be pondering breaking up with her lover. She might be wishing she was in control. She might be too pre-occupied worrying about her baby waking up to enjoy what’s happening to her body. She might be calculating whether she has enough money to cover rent this month. While sexy things are happening to a woman’s body, there might be far more interesting and revealing thoughts going through her mind.

Beyond PIV – PIV = Penis in Vagina. The best fiction reflects the way the world looks, not only when it comes to diversity, but in terms of sexuality, sexual diversity, and gender-diversity, as well. There are myriad ways to have sex beyond the obvious. Oral. Anal. Mutual masturbation. BDSM play. Countless kinks and fetishes. And don’t forget all those wonderful toys! What your characters are into is not entirely dependent on whether they are gay or straight, transgender or bisexual or asexual. Non-cisgendered people can have vanilla sex, and a straight couple who’s been married for decades can be swingers or regulars at the local dungeon.

What Does Your Sex Scene Say – Each of us has a unique point of view when it comes to sex. Before including a sex scene in your novel, as yourself what is its purpose? What are you saying about sex through your characters? Do you want to turn your readers on, or do you want to make them think? Or both?! The two are not mutually exclusive, and there’s something to be said for realistic, meaningful depictions of sex that also manage to engage the reader’s erotic imagination. Not every sex scene needs to make a statement, but some should. Maybe yours is one of them.

The New Sex Ed – I came of age before the internet. Before podcasts. Before information was as easy to access as glancing at your phone. We had one day of sex-ed in sixth grade, when everyone was herded into an auditorium for a one-hour presentation that focused on puberty before jumping to a scare-tactic video of a woman giving birth. The message was clear: don’t have sex, even though your body is telling you to have sex, because the result will be a squalling, bloody human coming out of your vagina.

But it’s a brave new world, and there’s no limit to the useful information out there on sex and sexuality. So, get informed. Listen to podcasts like the Savage Lovecast or I Want It That Way. Read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. Try Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, watch her TED Talk, or listen to her Audible series, Where Should We Begin? There’s no excuse anymore for sexual ignorance. Take control of your sexual education and create your own curriculum.

Now, go forth and pound out those sex scenes. Just . . . you know, go easy on the keyboard.

Cue sax solo.  

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JENNIFER WOLFE worked as a phlebotomist, a fiction writing teacher, a copywriter, and ran a concert venue before quitting to move to Los Angeles, where she performed odd jobs in the film industry for a decade. She now divides her time between Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon. WATCH THE GIRLS is Jennifer’s debut thriller. She also publishes young adult fiction under the name Jennifer Bosworth.

Follow her on Twitter @JWolfeAuthor

About WATCH THE GIRLS

Fame and obsession collide in this darkly twisted novel featuring a former Hollywood starlet with a devastating secret in this psychological thriller People magazine praises as “fast-paced and involving”, from an incredible new voice in suspense.

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: How To and Tips