Why Publish?

I never set out to write a novel, let alone publish one. So how did I end up here? That’s a question I often contemplate. My shy, introverted self loves writing in the privacy of my own mind, knowing I never have to share it with anyone else if I so choose. Suffice it to say, putting my work out into the world wasn’t a pleasant proposal.

Fear of judgement and criticism ran deep and I dismissed the idea of publishing, knowing, as Edna St. Vincent Milay said, “A person who publishes a book appears willfully in the public eye with his pants down.” Frankly, being naked in public feels like an apt analogy. Publishing is an experience of being completely exposed.

Writing has always been a path to self-discovery for me. I started a “Morning Pages” practice (per Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) over twenty-five years ago and have filled many notebooks since then. I loved the act of putting the pen to the page and writing continuously, letting my thoughts flow out onto the paper.

The routine helped my writing become more fluid and awakened my creativity. Short stories and non-fiction articles began to emerge. Finally, a larger story crept in and wouldn’t let go. Although it would be many years and several iterations – including a screenplay — before I had a final product in hand, the seed was planted and I started writing what would become my first novel.

Writing was a painful process at times, forcing me to confront my own personal history. I can relate to May Sarton’s statement: “I have never written a book that was not born out of a question I needed to answer for myself.” I uncovered things about myself and my past that I hadn’t seen before.

One example was seeing parallels between my own mother and the character of my protagonist’s mother. While their fates were very different, they suffered a similar loss; they both had to surrender their creative selves as they struggled to survive abuse at the hands of their husbands.

Sarah’s mother had stopped painting while my mother had stopped playing the piano and cello. In writing the book, I came to understand and have more empathy for my mother’s life and losses.

At times I considered that my own personal growth was the purpose of all the years of writing, and I was ready to leave the book safely filed away in a Word document on my computer. Even when information about publishing crossed my path unbidden, I continued to shrink from the idea and the public exposure it would entail.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be that vulnerable.

While my novel’s story is fictional, my experience growing up in a home with domestic abuse most definitely informed my writing. It became clear that in publishing this book, I would be talking about that personal history. I wasn’t sure I was ready to embark on that journey.

I also realized that stepping into the limelight would expose me to misunderstanding and criticism. Everyone sees the world through their own lens. There would be some who liked and appreciated the book and some who didn’t care for it. And there would be those who took issue with my presentation or who disagreed with my approach. While I thought I was prepared for many different responses, I also knew that experiencing negative feedback would be challenging. Early on, I questioned why I would set myself up for that degree of scrutiny.

It was my lifelong reader who helped me move beyond this reticence: the part of me that believes deeply in the power of story to help us feel less alone. As a child growing up in a chaotic household, reading was my escape and my lifeline. It provided comfort and solace and was the safe haven where I could be transported to better times. I knew, even then, that reading was helping me see and learn about life outside my reality. It was helping me dream of something more.

Re-visiting that conviction helped me take a big leap a year ago that has since afforded tremendous growth. In deciding to publish, my focus shifted away from my own fears to the possibility that someone could be moved or supported by my protagonist’s story. While writing was something I always did for myself — because I couldn’t not write, because I enjoyed it, because it made me happy — publishing became about the reader and what they might gain by reading my novel.

That decision has changed me. It’s been a steep learning curve that has forced me out of my comfort zone and into new behaviors and experiences. It helped me, as May Sarton described, answer questions for myself that I didn’t even know I needed or wanted to ask.

I was moved to confront my fears, acknowledge my vulnerabilities, and have the courage to take the step to publish, knowing that any distress I might feel would be greatly offset by the comfort, inspiration, or intrigue that some readers were bound to experience.

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Cathy Zane is a writer, psychotherapist, and former nurse who draws on her many years of working with women and families to create narratives of growth and empowerment. As a lifelong reader, she believes in the power of story to not only entertain but inspire, connect us to our common humanity, and instill hope. Visit her at www.cathyzane.com

 

About BETTER THAN THIS

Sometimes the most enviable life is really a private hell.

On the surface, Sarah Jenkins appears to have it all: a handsome, wealthy and successful husband, a precocious five-year-old daughter, and a beautiful home in an affluent Seattle neighborhood. Her quirky best friend and fellow high school teacher, Maggie, marvels at her luck―and envies her happiness.

But Sarah is far from happy. She feels empty and on edge, harangued by a critical inner voice―and as the truth about her marriage and details of her past emerge, her “perfect” life begins to crumble. But just when it seems all is lost, a long forgotten, unopened letter changes everything, and with the support of friends, Sarah begins to rebuild her life. Can she quiet the critical voice in her head and learn to value herself instead?

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing