Motherhood: a Time of Crisis Equal to Adolescence

Everyone recognises that adolescence is a time of development and upheaval; a period of identity crisis. In my view, there are real parallels with motherhood. A woman who becomes a mother experiences huge change, emotionally as well as physically. Suddenly, the world is tipped on its axis, and finding balance again means forging a new path; this can take time, years even. 

I have two children who are tweens and only now can I look back and recognise how seismic those early years were – for me as well as them. Before I had children, I wrote fiction and my first novel was eventually published the year after my first child was born.

I believed – mistakenly – that it would be fairly straightforward to combine writing fiction with a baby. It was such flexible work, after all. I imagined penning my second novel while my baby slept in a Moses basket and, when he was a toddler, played happily with his toys. The reality was that I hardly slept for years and then had another baby, so the clock went back again. 

I longed to write my second novel. I started a story, but had to abandon it. There were too many interruptions. I just didn’t have the mental space to create and inhabit another world when the world I was living in took everything I had. I loved my children with an intensity that I wasn’t prepared for, but I also longed to write – the truth is, I was a happy mother but a frustrated writer.

I didn’t feel myself until I was able to write again. And even then, it wasn’t a smooth journey; there were constant interruptions. Over the years, I’ve learned to be more accepting of this and so I write at a pace when I can, knowing it won’t last long. Inevitably, a story that I’m working on really starts gathering momentum days before my children break up from school for the holidays!

As a reader, I turned to novels for guidance, however, I couldn’t find what I was searching for. The closest match was Tidal Zone by Sarah Moss, which explored the domestic world and parenthood with immense sensitivity and care. I think the lack of fiction in this area is borne out more generally. Motherhood is a time of momentous change, however, there is little discussion of this, perhaps because of society’s expectation that mothers are supposed to be completely satisfied with their new role. However, we know from the experiences of women who suffer postnatal depression that this myth of motherhood is dangerous. 

Not many women talk openly about it. Most new mothers will proclaim that they are in a state of bliss and gloss over any difficulties. Perhaps this is because women fear that admitting to feeling challenged could be misinterpreted as not loving their children – which, of course, isn’t true.

Or perhaps it’s a matter of pride and fear: to admit any difficulties is to risk failing as a mother. Or perhaps, it’s guilt: children are a gift and mothers mustn’t complain. The reasons for suppressing these ambiguous feelings about motherhood are various and complex, and deeply rooted in society.

There is more being written about postnatal depression and psychosis, which is a welcome development. However, the ambiguity that mothers often feel is commonplace and more open discussion about it could help support women during this time of upheaval. This issue has become even more marked during lockdown. This past year, when my home and family became a micro-world, I couldn’t help being reminded of the intensity of the early childhood years. One of the questions I wanted to explore in my second novel The Water Garden was the impact of motherhood: how women balance their loyalty to their children with their loyalty to themselves. My hope is that new mothers looking for shared experience will take some comfort from this story; they are not alone. 
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Louise Soraya Black is British-Iranian and has lived in Africa, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Iran and Indonesia. She worked as a lawyer in London before publishing her debut novel, Pomegranate Sky, which won the inaugural Virginia Prize in 2009. Her second novel, The Water Garden, has just been published by Muswell Press. She lives with her family in Surrey.

@louisesblack (Twitter)

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