Writing Biographies For People With a Life-Limiting Illness

I am a writer. I am a counsellor. Ever since training in Death, Dying and Bereavement in my twenties, I have been interested in these issues and how we talk about them – or avoid doing so. More recently I read about Dignity Therapy, a set of skills particularly aimed at helping people at the end of life to ‘do the work of dying’, that is, where possible, to make peace, resolve issues, face the end with clarity.

One of the centre pieces of Dignity Therapy is writing a biography, the process of which helps the person who is dying make sense of their life. It is also, of course, a beautiful gift to leave behind so family and friends can remember and celebrate the life of their loved one.

Imagine my delight when I saw an advert online for people to write biographies for patients of a local Hospice in Sydney. I applied, did the training, joined the team and met some extraordinary people, who happened to be dying.

The nuts and bolts of my work was to listen, record their stories, transcribe them, edit where necessary while retaining the essential ‘voice’ of the person, add photos, get it printed and deliver it to the person and their family. 

I’m sure some will think it’s a depressing thing to do, to spend time with people at the end of their life, facing death and all the uncertainties that arise. But let me tell you, I met so much courage, honesty, love, joy and laughter. Of course, there were tears at times – mine as well as theirs, particularly as we looked through photo albums together and talked about the people they would be leaving behind, but over the course of the time we had together, an hour or two each week, I saw changes. As death got closer, life was pared down to the important things. In telling their life story, the essentials became clear, and there was a sense of settling. I won’t call it acceptance, although it was definitely that for some people, but it was more a quiet dignity developed in facing what was to come. 

I worked with a man who was only in his fifties. He had a wife and two grown children, and he’d built a successful business. When I first met him, he was angry; it wasn’t fair, why did he have to get a brain tumour? He only agreed to talk to me because his wife wanted him to.

Our first sessions were awkward. He didn’t think it would help to talk about his life, it would just remind him that he didn’t have much longer to live. I let him talk. And his rage began to turn into stories; the reasons he didn’t want to die, the plans he had for the future. And then the anger turned to curiosity about some of the choices he’d made in his life, and then came the memories, the moments in his life that had given it meaning; meeting and falling in love with the woman who became his wife, the births of his children, the holidays they’d shared, the pride he’d taken in their achievements.

Included in the biography were recipes – he loved to cook and had meant to teach his son how to make his favourite dishes, but there was no time left, so we wrote them down so his son would be able to make them. He included some ‘knock knock’ jokes because they’d always made the children laugh when they were little. And he wrote a letter to his future grandchildren to tell them that he was sorry he wouldn’t to be there to meet them, but he hoped they would live lives full of love and joy and find a deep sense of purpose and connection. 

This man, and the other people I have met through this amazing journey, have inspired me over and over again. They have taught me the value of making not only each day count, but every interaction, be it with family, friends or strangers. I saw changes in the people I was fortunate enough to work with, but I was changed too, and I thank each and every one of them. 

—

Sarah Bourne is a counsellor, Yoga Teacher and author of The Train, Ella’s War and Invisible.

Find out more about Sarah on her website https://sarahbourne.wordpress.com/

Twitter @sarahbourne007

 

THE TRAIN

When the day starts with tragedy… where will it lead?
When a woman steps in front of a commuter train to end her life, it sets in motion a chain of events that will also change the lives of its passengers forever.

Eight strangers start their day unaware of the events about to unfold, but they find themselves having to reassess who they are and what they want from life.

Emotional responses rise to the surface, including some of the choices they’ve made in life and their own mortality. Can their lives go on as they were, or will this stranger’s death be the catalyst they need for change?

The Train is an emotional look at how people react to a tragic event and asks the question, how do we recover from tragedy?

The Train is set to be one of 2021’s stand-out debuts. A moving psychological novel, it’s the perfect read for fans of authors like Amanda Prowse, Ashley Audrain and JP Delaney.

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips