Postpartum Anxiety Inspired my Debut Thriller

Postpartum anxiety inspired my debut thriller

Brianne Sommerville

My debut thriller If I Lose Her follows a first-time mom as she struggles to adapt to motherhood, and I don’t believe I could have written the story if I hadn’t grappled with postpartum mental health issues. 

The first time I learned about postpartum depression (PPD) and anxiety, wasn’t when I was diagnosed. Fifteen years prior, I was assigned the medical condition for my grade eleven psychology class project. I recall gathering pamphlets from doctors’ offices for research and studying the disorder in a medical encyclopedia that my dad had purchased from a door-to-door salesman. I tumbled down an internet rabbit hole of the Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise feud over whether PPD is real. I decorated a pastel pink poster board with teardrops and presented my findings to my fellow sixteen-year-olds. And after I got my A, I forgot about the whole thing.

Before I share my own experience with postpartum anxiety, I am compelled to assure readers of my love for my three kids—they are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But perhaps this compulsion reveals a problem with our society’s view of postpartum mental health. There is still a stigma around PPD that those suffering don’t love their children, are unhappy being mothers, or aren’t fit for motherhood, which is far from the truth. I believe the postpartum anxiety I experienced with my firstborn, stemmed from my unconditional love for my daughter and the pressure I put on myself to ensure she was happy and healthy. 

We had a scare during the birth of our daughter and a code pink (baby in distress) was issued immediately after her delivery. The first tell was that she wasn’t crying, and enough movies and medical dramas had confirmed this wasn’t a good sign. There was a moment when the nurses rushed her to their station due to her slow heart rate and I met my husband’s eyes. I knew then that we both considered the horrifying reality that she might not make it. I couldn’t hold my daughter for the first few hours after her birth, which only nurtured my anxiety, manifesting as a constant pressure in my chest. 

Once she received a clean bill of health and we were discharged from the hospital, a new list of worries rushed in. When is my milk going to come in? Why isn’t she latching properly? Why isn’t she gaining weight? How much spit-up is normal? Is she developing right? I became glued to my phone, tracking her feeds and bowel movements in a baby app, and I purchased a baby scale so I could weigh her daily to ensure she wasn’t dropping weight percentiles. 

Rather than tell my family or doctor, I locked up my concerns not wanting to admit them even to myself. I found solace in jotting down my thoughts in my journal—everything from elation and the intense love I had for my baby girl, to my darker feelings. The entries were stream-of-consciousness and always rushed, during her naptimes or bouts of insomnia after I’d finished nursing her. It was these diary entries that ended up inspiring the fictionalized novel and re-igniting my love for writing. 

I have always been drawn to mysteries and thrillers, having grown up reading The Boxcar Children, and watching Dateline and Unsolved Mysteries with my mom and sister. So, naturally, the suspense genre appealed to me. My novel If I Lose Her became a passion project and a way to flex my creative muscles during maternity leave. I thought about the often lonely, elongated days and nights that mothers experience during those first few months with a baby, and how sleep deprivation can take a toll on your mental health. That is when the idea of a first-time mother whose mind may or may not be unravelling, came to fruition. Joanna Baker’s story took flight. 

The pregnancy podcasts warned Joanna Baker about the baby blues, but when a near-fatal mistake places the first-time mom under the watchful eye of Child Protective Services, she receives a serious diagnosis. Postpartum depression. Jo hears the words, yet they don’t make sense. Nothing does. Her blackouts are increasing, and she can’t recall events she’s been accused of. As she fights to keep her daughter, she discovers cracks in her neighborhood, family, and her own home. With the support of her sisters, she attempts to piece together her traumatic past and uncover who is truly in control. Jo must battle her faltering mind to save what’s most important—her daughter.

For fans of Samantha M. Bailey (Woman on the Edge) and Ashley Audrain (The Push), If I Lose Her hits shelves on March 5 and is available wherever books are sold. Readers can pre-order online today.

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IF I LOSE HER

Who can you trust when you can’t trust yourself?

The pregnancy podcasts warned Joanna Baker about the baby blues, but when a near-fatal mistake places the first-time mom under the watchful eye of Child Protective Services, she receives a serious diagnosis.

Postpartum depression. Jo hears the words, yet they don’t make sense. Nothing does. Her blackouts are increasing, and she can’t recall events she’s been accused of.

As she fights to keep her daughter, she discovers cracks in her neighborhood, family, and her own home. With the support of her sisters, she attempts to piece together her traumatic past and uncover who is truly in control.

Jo must battle her faltering mind to save what’s most important–her daughter.

 

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing