The Self-Care Phenomenon of Female Friendships and Chosen Family

By Jess Ames

Throughout our lifetime, friends of every season will come and go, fade and grow. Some will float away on the wind, while others will take root in our lives and become the backdrop to all our most important moments. Weddings… and everything that comes after. Births. Deaths. Divorce. Anniversaries. Birthdays. New jobs. New houses. New cities.

The people we call our “true friends” are the ones who bend and grow with us, and even if they don’t always agree with our decisions, their support is as unconditional as their love.

We all have the friend who knows exactly when (and how) to call us on our BS, the friend we call when we need someone to cry with us, laugh with us, rage with us. The friend who knows what to discreetly remove from our house when we go. Those of us who are lucky enough to have a friend for every reason—through every season—are blessed beyond measure. And while all of these friends are important, it is rare to find a relationship more therapeutic than those we have with other women.

Is there a lonelier time in our lives than while we are parenting our teenagers? Our female friends understand. Some of them are in the trenches with us. 

Is there anything sadder (while simultaneously chest-full-of-pride awe-inspiring) than watching our adult children drive away with all their stuff? Our female friends understand, and they’re by our side with Kleenex. 

Is there anything heavier than the invisible load we carry day after day? Our female friends understand, and they’re quick to remind us to set it down when it’s time.

Is there anything better than getting all the laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away in one day while still getting a nutritious dinner on the table and spending quality time with our family? Let’s be real; nobody does that, but if we said we did, our female friends probably wouldn’t judge us too harshly for lying.

When people ask me why I write about female friendships, the answer is easy. They’re some of our most important relationships, and for many of us, they become a soft place to land when everything about our lives feels just a little too hard. And aside from those times, our female friends possess a level of understanding and empathy we simply can’t get from anyone else.

Fictional friends allow us to hold a mirror up to ourselves.

Reading gives us an escape from reality, but while we are visiting foreign lands and experiencing new things, we all want to see ourselves on the pages. And it’s not always necessarily the people we are, but also the people we want to be, on adventures with the people we’d like to be with. Imperfect, messy, compassionate, human.

My favorite review I received for book one of my series complained that the characters were straight out of a Hallmark movie, and truly nothing could have made me happier; that was exactly what I was going for. Six imperfect women in varying stages of life who fit together perfectly. Each of them with something unique to offer the others: the strong backbone, the empath, the voice of reason, the philanthropist, the jester, the big sister.

But as with any relationship, as time goes on, the veneer begins to wear off and they become flawed humans like the rest of us. From insecurities to judgements and harsh words, the friendships these characters have developed show signs of wear, and while visiting their world, we have the opportunity to see that even the relationships portrayed in fiction have low points in need of resolution. It helps us to see the scenarios that might reflect our own lives and have the opportunity to think about how we would react or behave in a particular situation. Would we be able to reserve judgement? Would we have the right words to make everything better for the moment? Would we walk away? These questions are the reasons book clubs exist; to make us hold our own judgements up to the light and examine our ugly truths alongside our peers.

My characters’ interactions mirror many I’ve had in my own life, and their personalities are woven with bits and pieces of me: the strong backbone, the empath, the voice of reason, the philanthropist, the jester, the big sister. Writing their stories gives me the opportunity to revisit some of my most impactful moments with the important people in my life and hopefully inspire someone to hold the line during a similar challenge, or recognize a true friend in someone consistently showing up for them.

Honor the miracle of chosen family.

Another theme that is closely tied to the friendships I write about is the concept of our chosen  family. I’ve had a slightly unconventional upbringing (haven’t we all?) and what I’ve noticed as I’ve grown is that the people who have consistently shown up for me aren’t related by blood at all. The grandparents and their three children who “adopted” my mother at eighteen; my bonus mom who raised me from thirteen on (bless her eternal soul!), the one who taught me to love cooking for my family and to hate picking what’s for dinner, the one who left us too soon.

The saint of a woman who stepped into those big shoes and filled them perfectly. She never saw us coming, but she’s worked really hard to mend our broken pieces and we would be lost without her. My writing bestie who shuts down my imposter syndrome in 2.3 seconds. My husband (and best friend) who gives me the confidence and space to do what I love. These are all my chosen family and I wouldn’t be who I am without them. You’ll find them on the pages in the turn of a phrase, a recipe, or a come to Jesus speech. I hope you recognize them, and yourselves.

How do your female friendships shape you? 

How do you show up for your chosen family? 

—

Jess Ames is knocking on the door of fifty, but has the sense of humor of a twelve year old and the body of a fifty-four-year-old (according to her fitness app). She is “mama” to nine, “mimi” to four, “friend” to all, an adequate wife, and living the dream of the little girl who wanted to be a writer when she grew up. They are both still waiting for that moment, so she’s writing in the meantime.

Everything You’ve Ever Known

After thirty years of parenting and three years of drifting through life in her empty nest, Paige Rhiann has become the honorary spokesperson for the word “doldrums”. But things are about to change. When Paige is presented with the chance of a lifetime to make a fresh start in Clearwater, Florida, she decides it’s as good a time as any to find out who she is—and who she can become—in this new phase of her life.

On her first day out with the local golf club’s ladies league, she meets three women who immediately see in her a kindred spirit. This motley crew of ride or die women from all ages and walks of life pull Paige into their circle of friends, and one by one help her not only embrace her Second Act, but shine in her new role.

Fans of Elin Hilderbrand’s The Five-Star Weekend and readers who enjoy empty nest and female friendship fiction and stories of deep, abiding devotion among strong women will find themselves engrossed in this story of friendship, hope, and the joy that can be found on the other side of Everything You’ve Ever Known.

BUY HERE

EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WANTED

Jenna Mitchell has spent her adult life under the control of her husband, her dreams of owning her own bakery pushed aside. But at twenty-eight, she’s finally ready to reclaim her life and pursue her passion. Well… almost.

With the unwavering support of the Sensational Six—her close-knit group of friends—Jenna can finally envision a day where she is in charge of her own destiny, a big step forward for her. As she works at her friend’s café, Jenna begins to discover the strength and courage she needs to break free from her past and begin focusing on her future.

But can she quiet the echoes that keep finding their way back to her? Will the doubts they’ve created make it impossible for her to see—and trust—the path forward before her chance at a better life slips through her flour-dusted fingers?

Fans of Rachel Hanna will enjoy this warm and uplifting story about self-discovery, finding the courage to start anew, and the unbreakable bonds of chosen family.

 

PREORDER HERE

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing