How to Avoid Writer’s Arse
Author Talli Roland
As a full-time writer, I’m lucky that I don’t need to go out to work – or brush my hair, get dressed, and endure getting up close and personal with someone’s armpit on the Tube. No, I can roll right out of bed, throw on my fluffy slippers and robe, and head straight to my desk for another day within the heady proximity of the fridge.
The only downside to this Nirvana? The threat of an ever-expanding butt.To combat this, I’ve developed a handy set of exercises for writers. No need to embrace the great outdoors – or even get off your chair! Now, you too can have the svelte frame of a commuter, without the commute! Are you ready? Here we go!
1. The five-fingered salute. Every so often, lift your fingers from the keyboard and make a fist. Open and close your digits several times in quick succession. This is even better when performed near a window in proximity of passers-by to encourage social interaction.
2. March like you mean it. The ideal exercise to release any frustration when your characters just don’t behave. Sitting on a chair, lift one knee in the air and bring your foot down firmly on the ground, then do the same with your other knee. Repeat for five minutes – or as long as your downstairs neighbours will allow. When you’re finished, you won’t care anymore about your characters’ misdemeanors. You’ll only care about impending repairs needed to the floorboards.
3. The burning butt-clench. Designed to encourage circulation after long periods of sitting, this exercise has the added benefit of making anyone around you question your need for the loo. Sitting comfortably, lift one buttock off the chair, and clench the cheek that’s touching the surface. Hold for twenty seconds, then repeat with the other butt cheek. You should feel a burning desire never to do this exercise again.
4. The navel gaze. Tilt your head slowly downwards until your chin touches your chest. Hold for thirty minutes – or until you drift off. This position allows observers to believe you’re engaged in deep thought, while elongating your neck muscles. Repeat until observers get bored and depart.
So there you have it! My tried and true methods to maintaining your shape while keeping your manuscript moving ahead.
—
Talli Roland writes fun, romantic fiction. Born and raised in Canada, Talli now lives in London, where she savours the great cultural life (coffee and wine). Despite training as a journalist, Talli soon found she preferred making up her own stories–complete with happy endings. Her novels have also been chosen as top books of the year by industry review websites and have been bestsellers in Britain and the United States. To learn more about Talli, go to www.talliroland.com or follow her on Twitter: @talliroland. She blogs at talliroland.blogspot.com.
Category: Being a Writer, Canadian Women Writers, Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips, On Writing
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
Comments (16)
Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed
Sites That Link to this Post
- Making friends with exercise | Norah Colvin | September 26, 2013
This was great! I just did all of them! And I feel good… . I also bought myself a stand up desk, to place on top of my present desk, and I love it.
An eye opener, as one who shies from social interaction at the best of times, I’m sure this is one place I’ll fit right in. 😉
Hoot! Seriously, though, MOVE every twenty minutes or so!
Just getting started for myself, and already unhappy w/ too much sitting… thanks for the suggestions! I’m already planning to convert to a standing work station in the very near future! Heard some success stories with doing so, plus it fights fatigue, etc. 🙂
Ho ho ho! ! Very funny. Tend to think to keep healthy and stay sane as a writer generally a walk “outside”, especially in a green space, may help a tad more. Walking is not only one of the best ways to stay fit, it helps us stay more alert and sleep better and country walks can reduce depression and raise self-esteem, never mind get the creative juices flowing!
Just saying ;o)
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/05/best-foot-forward-why-walking-good-for-you
Funny bit and oh boy does it hit home. Though I work out every day, it’s not enough to keep me in fighting trim. I read Susan Orlean’s piece in the New Yorker about working at a treadmill desk and thought if I had the room it would be interesting to try. Does anyone else work standing up or on a treadmill? Are you really able to concentrate on what you’re writing as you stand/walk?
Love it. Hilarious, and very helpful 🙂
I go on the same walk whenever I need to start a new chapter. By the time I get to the stop light I’m usually typing on my phone.
There is something about walking that allows me to take the time that I need to find the right first words.
Glad somebody brought up the issue, lol. Wow, as I get ready to publish my first book, I have spent the better part of the year working indoors and I was never a ‘sitter’. My weight has stayed the same for years and I am a health conscious eater. That said, the darn scale has gone up 4 pounds this year with no changes to usual diet and exercise. We have to pay with vanity it seems, lol.
Too true. It’s an ongoing problem for writers. I have found a great way for me to achieve two goals (reading and exercise – mind and body)each (well, some) days before sitting down to develop my you-know-what all day. Exercise has never come easily to me, and I don’t really enjoy getting hot and sweaty, but now I hardly notice the effort as I cycle and jog around the island on my Wii fit for I am fully engaged listening to audiobooks or Ted talks as I go. Concentrating on what I am listening to makes the exercise minutes disappear effortlessly.
I’ve been cultivating my writer’s arse for many many years. Ever since I started work in an office, it’s been a dream to make myself unable to fit in a seat on a budget airline. Now that I’m spending all of my time outside of the office writing, I feel that my dream of having a proper writer’s arse is coming true – even faster than I ever imagined! Thank you Talli, for highlighting the many ways to combat this affliction – as I’m sure that when I finally achieve my goal, I’ll really wish that I hadn’t…
Too funny! And oh so true! Thanks for the great tips. I’m actually feeling writer’s arse at this very moment – ugh. Gonna have to get on that #3! 🙂
Ha ha ha! Your article made me groan in recognition and giggle at the same time. I hope I haven’t frightened any children or animals nearby!
I have a proper desk and chair and a room for writing in, but I so often finds it spills over to the sofa, the bed and the kitchen table. I’m looking forward to having a tighter arse and less stress as I practice clenching and marching, perhaps at the same time!
Look forward to reading more of your work!
Your humour and wit had me laughing out loud at my desk (whilst also trying out the butt-clench)! I hope my words can one day also inspire others to write in the way yours do and I cant wait to read some of your work and gradually build up my very own Writer’s Arse. KAtie
Sitting at a desk all day certainly encourages that backside to increase. I try to go for at least one walk a day but that’s not enough because while the mind is whirring away the body is idle. Not a good way to burn calories. Cheers Talli.