Why I wrote Unbuttoned  by Grace Vanderzande

In 2007, my father Jim was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. They estimated that he had four months and told him to get his affairs in order. This was a devastating diagnosis for many reasons. My father was only 77. He still had so much more to do and to share.

Dad sheepishly confessed to me that he did not want to deal with the arrangements. He was too overwhelmed.  I reassured him that it would be handled and not to worry. We would deal with that later. We agreed to treat his diagnosis as a gift. Not everyone knows when they will pass on. Before he became bedridden and limited to his room at home, we would sit on his front porch. During those late summer months and into the fall, he would share his life stories. This was a gift as his “busy working to survive” life had never allowed him time for the sharing of those stories. Finally, a promised “someday” had come.

He had so many memories of growing up in Kingston Ontario in the thirties, and forties as a child. Meeting our mother and becoming a father in the fifties and how that had changed his life. He needed to make sure that his stories were heard. There was an urgency in his voice as the days marched quickly on. Dad shared stories about life during WW2 and how his father had left his family for five years when my dad was a boy of ten. Dad had to grow up fast. When my grandfather returned, my dad had grown into the man of the house at fifteen. He had proudly taken on the responsibility for his siblings and his mother. His father’s return was difficult for both.  They tried to sort out the “man’s role” in the household: the lines had been blurred with the war.

Dad shared stories about hard times during the depression in the city. We talked about anything he wanted to share. The city of Kingston was a fascinating place to grow up and his stories will forever linger in my mind. I wished I had more time to learn about all his experiences. My one regret is that I never recorded these visits. I am left with a head full of stories that sometimes get tangled into a mess of questions and unresolved mysteries.

After those four months, my father did pass away. Our family was lost. As the eldest and having heard all those stories, I fell to pieces. As I stood by the grave during his service, I vowed that I would not let my children wonder about my feelings, and who I really was until after it was too late. I needed them to understand me, their own father, and our life choices. They needed to know how we lived, we loved, and how we laboured long hours on our farm. How the good and the bad shaped who we are and how we live. They needed to hear all those stories that had shaped every one of our lives.

There was this determination to get my stories out to others, much like that urgency I sensed while sitting with my father on that porch in 2007. This need for others to know that they are not alone. Life is about navigating through the tough times, and believing that we can get through. Those were the lessons I took from my dad’s stories. Those months sitting with him were and still are one of the most precious gifts ever received. This ignited a fire to get my own stories written down.

 Soon after, I started writing my own stories about our farming and our life in general. My daughters needed to see both sides. They needed the truth. They also needed to hear the humorous or the brighter sides of our sometimes-difficult journey. To know that the little things counted. The surrounding nature and wildlife on the farm became hugely important to my well-being, both mentally and physically. 

In 2010 I started a blog called Buttons Thoughts to share with family and friends. Not long after, I found like-minded people who felt the same way I did. Four years later I was writing columns for a local newspaper. Tales from The Farm became an important part of my life. My mom could pick up the newspaper delivered to her front step. That very same step I had listened to Dad’s stories. That was very important to both of us at that time as she battled Alzheimer’s. 

My husband (fondly named My Hero) had worked so hard his whole life. I wanted our children to know how special their dad is. How talented he is. Our children and grandchildren will now be able to read about how we loved, laughed, and did the best we could in our life, together. We are all stronger for it.

I now understand that my dad had a difficult journey in life. He made the best of every situation that he had to face. His infectious sense of humour came out in his stories. Life got in the way of his getting those stories out. Bits and pieces remain in the minds of all who were lucky enough to hear them. I wish we had been given more time. My siblings and I were so lucky to share the stories that he did get out. I am pretty sure we all have a sense of wanting to know more. 

As I finish off this article I remember when I was young telling my sister who is my best friend that someday I would write a book. She does not always know me now and that my publishing dream has come true as she battles dementia. I showed her my book the other day and she looked at me the way she used to and said, “You did it!”

Our stories do matter.

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Unbuttoned – our farming life in Southeastern Ontario

Unbuttoned: We all have childhood dreams in life. Grace wanted to be a writer. Her partner, who she refers to as “My Hero,” had another dream. Unbeknownst to her his dream was to own and run his own farm. As often happens, love plunged into his dream. Opportunity knocked and they jumped in with both feet and blinders on. Farming is the most frustrating and rewarding thing a person can do. Eventually, after never ending unpredictable highs and lows, mixed with lots of tears and tightly woven with laughter, Grace did what she needed to do to get through.

She started writing short stories on a blog Buttons Thoughts. Sharing her stories and quirky sense of humour with others became her coping mechanism. The simple things in her life became hugely important. She gravitated to writing about very real situations with a dash of whimsy. Her pain and frustration were finally overtaken by the brighter sides of once-crippling events. She embraced the beauty of every season. Nature became her best friend. That was her saving grace. Grace has shared these stories over and over, believing that people should not hide their fears or their joys. This book is a compilation of some of those stories. Grace and her husband’s dreams happened to come true through hard work and the love and support of each other. What could be better than that?

BUY HERE

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