What Really Matters? by Meredith Murray

Nothing in life is guaranteed. As adults, we often learn this lesson painfully and without warning. As children, we hear and place trust in a seemingly linear path to success, as instructed by the adults in our lives (i.e., parents, teachers, guidance counselors, coaches). Get good grades in school, take on leadership roles in extracurricular activities, go to a ranked college, snag the best internships, and land a great job. If all of these boxes get checked, a successful and happy life—filled with personal and professional accomplishment and financial safety—will ensue. And so, I did all the right things.

When I was in the fourth grade, my elementary school teacher offered to take any student who earned straight A’s to a special lunch. Because I esteemed this teacher, I worked hard, earned a spot on the “Lunch Straight A All-Star Team,” and subsequently felt something novel in my belly—that of value and admiration. This was the same year that I won my school spelling bee. I began to be seen and recognized for my intelligence, and I liked the attention.

Until that point, I did not find my ten-year-old self to be particularly unique or funny or athletic or beautiful or… much of anything, really. I was uncertain of my place in the world and did not have a strong identity or sense of self. From that time onward, however, my identity became that of an academic, and I started associating my value as a human with my accomplishments in the classroom.

My academic prowess continued. I participated in all of the extracurricular activities (varsity sports, leadership roles in volunteer and honor societies, etc.) and graduated as the valedictorian of my high school. I applied to and was accepted by Georgetown University, filled with other academic All-Stars, and after my first semester, I received a letter from a dean congratulating me for being the only female freshman to earn a 4.0 GPA.

A decade later, I entered an executive MBA program at the UNC Chapel Hill business school and was one of only nine women, in a class of over 55, to graduate from this top-ranked program. I commenced a ten-plus year tenure in the fast-moving, high-stakes technology industry. I made money, moved up in my profession, and did all this while bearing two children. All of these served as further checkboxes to a life of perceived value. I was guaranteeing my success.

But on the inside, I could not shake the feeling that “this is not right.” I was running so fast that I had no time to breathe or truly enjoy my children, and the work I was doing did not feel fulfilling. I had so many conversations with friends—specifically, other working moms—and we would all whisper amongst ourselves, “This system is broken, and it does not bring joy.” We were simply overwhelmed and checking off these boxes did not actually bring a sense of peace or make us feel valuable.

After embarking on a meditation practice about five years ago, I made the decision to leave a job that was profoundly disheartening and detrimental to my sense of self-worth. I began perusing new professional opportunities and kept running into mental barriers while asking myself too many questions that revolved around ‘what.’

During a deep meditation, a simple yet profound thought arose within me, which was that I had been asking myself the wrong questions. Instead of asking ‘what’ (e.g., “What am I going to do next? What should my role or job title be? What company will recognize my talents?”), I should be asking ‘how.’ How can I better split my time between my career and my family? How do I want my life to unfold? How do I want to affect the world? How do I want to feel at the end of each day? And how do I want to feel at the end of my life? Ultimately, I needed to reframe my mental lens and change the question from ‘what’ to ‘how’ I will be in this world.

This reframing planted seeds in my consciousness, and my sense of worth, identity, and value has slowly but concretely shifted over these past five years.

A few months ago, I was invited to a meeting with my manager. Upon entering the Zoom meeting, I saw that she was accompanied by an HR company representative. I often resort to humor in difficult conversations, and the first words out of my mouth were “Ruh-roh,” knowing that by the end of the fifteen-minute scripted conversation, my computer would be shut off and I would be one of the 125K technology workers laid off by that point in 2024 and thus would end my multiple-year tenure at my latest technology company.

The layoff was not about me or my performance, where I consistently received ‘greatly exceeds expectations’ reviews over the course of several years. In the corporate world, employees are transactional. I am not resentful and understand the rationale behind the decision, yet the ego is a fragile construct, and my younger self would vehemently declare, “But I did all the right things!”

Yet my adult self would gently whisper back, “Nothing in life is guaranteed.” And when the external world shakes our foundation, our sense of peace and happiness and value must come from within. For me, these come from how I show up in the world, how I raise my kids, how I react to adversity, and how I rebuild from life shakeups. Others have experienced so much worse, yet my life has not been without bumps.

At forty-two, I have now navigated a dual layoff (two months after my layoff, my husband was laid off), the early death of a disabled parent, miscarriage, divorce, as well as familial addiction, mental illness, and estrangement, among other foundational upsets. But my refocus from the ‘what’ to the ‘how’ I will be in the world allows me to hold strong through the sudden drops, knowing that my value is not predicated by what I am but how I am.
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Meredith Murray (MBA) is the author of The Question, a new children’s book that takes a fresh approach to the age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Instead of focusing on careers or traditional aspirations, the story flips the script and asks, “How will I be when I grow up?” to serve as a quiet yet powerful reminder to parents and children alike that life is less about achieving and more about being. Alongside her husband, Meredith is parenting two young children and thinks deeply, and often, about what it means to raise human beings. She has spent much of her life pursuing traditional and linear successes; it took her many years, and well into adulthood, to understand what’s actually important in our time on earth—gratitude for our everyday blessings, cultivation of community, and ultimately, love. May we all remember to look up, where magic can always be found.

THE QUESTION

Adults will sometimes get it wrong in the questions that they ask. What do you want to be, my child, when your childhood has passed?

In this beautifully illustrated children’s book, a young narrator is faced with the age-old question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Instead of giving a traditional answer, however, this narrator poses a different question: “How will I be when I grow up?”

Through rhyming stanzas and vibrant pictures, The Question encourages children—and the adults in their lives—to think beyond societal expectations and focus on developing qualities that truly matter, like kindness, gratitude, and a positive mindset. This inspiring story will help young readers discover their unique paths and understand the importance of being a good and curious person, no matter what they choose to be when they grow up. The Question is a valuable resource for anyone who hopes to ignite a passion for reading and self-discovery in young minds.

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing