Compassionate Caregiving and Writing By Suzanne Marriott

Compassionate Caregiving and Writing

By Suzanne Marriott

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries, without them humanity cannot survive.  Dalai Lama XIV

I remember the moment I realized I was going to be my husband’s caregiver forever. I knew Michael had multiple sclerosis, and I knew this would be a progressive disease. Yet, knowing something and realizing something proved to be quite different. 

I’ve always been drawn to the cognitive—to learning and understanding. So in the beginning I set out to gain knowledge, believing that with knowledge comes power. I read books and articles on MS, attended lectures with Michael, and talked to friends who knew people with MS. I learned a lot. But that wasn’t enough. As the realization hit me, I found myself entering an emotional darkness, as if I had fallen into quicksand and didn’t have the energy to get out. Our dreams for the future were disappearing, and nothing we could do would bring them back. I’d have to make the transition from being Michael’s wife to being his caregiver too and find a way to actually do that.

As a student of Tibetan Buddhism, I knew that this meant I would have to bring compassion to our new situation. If I could feel and maintain compassion for Michael in his suffering, and for myself, I would be able to succeed. The physical and logistical tasks of caregiving are vital, but in order to perform these well I had to have compassion. Without it, in all the day-to-day tasks I would be doing for my husband, but not caring for him.

So, just what is compassion? According to Merriam-Webster, “Compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Well, that’s what it is, but how do we develop it? Maintain it? How do we feel it in our hearts?

In my case I found it through Tibetan Buddhist practices. Before Michael was ill, he and I were part of a sangha, or community, where we learned and practiced meditation. One time as I was meditating on a very large pictorial representation of Padmasambhava (who was among those who brought Buddhism to Tibet from India in the 8th century), I saw a diffused white light emanating from him to me. At the same time, I felt a wonderful warmth in my heart as if I were receiving love directly from him. The thought, that’s compassion, immediately entered my mind. It was a very real, visceral experience. This did not mean I became a compassionate person overnight and for always. What it did was give me an experience that inspired me to develop and act from compassion as well as a deep, inward sense of what compassion is.

We may not all be so lucky as I was to have such an experience. It did not mean I became a compassionate person over night and for always. What it did was give me an experience that inspired me to develop and act from compassion as well as a deep, inward sense of what compassion is.

Yet, despite this compelling experience, showing compassion for Michael was not always easy. For example, from the beginning Michael tried to do things by himself and only wanted my assistance when a task, such as sliding on his pants while sitting on the bed, proved to be impossible. So, I learned to wait for him to ask for my help. (“What if you weren’t here?” he would say.) This worked fine, until that time he was trying to transfer to our newly installed stair lift. He struggled over and over, moaning and groaning in frustration, trying so hard to make the switch. Dutifully, I stood aside, waiting to help. Until he exploded: “Don’t just stand there staring at me! Go away! Get out of my sight!”

Not only did I leave, but I broke into tears, feeling unjustly accused and unloved. That time, for a while, my hurt feelings won out over compassion. 

Still, most of the time, such as when I assisted Michael in many of the challenges of daily living, accompanied him to the doctor and served as his backup memory, or as we quietly shared our thoughts and feelings, not only did my compassion serve us well, but Michael, too, began to develop compassion, for me, for others, and for himself.

When Michael succumbed to complications of multiple sclerosis and made his transition, I plunged deeply into grief. Joining a grief support group was a great help for me, one that opened my eyes again to the power of compassion. Through sharing with others in my group, all of whom were experiencing grief in their own unique ways, I felt compassion flowing easily among us as we related to each other’s stories.

It was during this time that I began reviewing the many journals I had kept over my ten years of caregiving. As I revisited those challenges, I began developing compassion anew, not just for Michael, but more and more, as grief and regrets slowly gave way to acceptance, I developed compassion for myself. Encouraged by my new-found friends, I began writing the story that eventually became my memoir. Without having compassion for myself in the face of my doubts about my writing and the benefits my story might have for other caregivers, I never would have persevered and finished my book or have seen it published. 

I am so grateful for the lessons I gleaned from my caregiving years, and I’m determined to keep my connection to Michael and to compassion as I face whatever joys and sorrows the future may hold. 

—

Bio

Suzanne Marriott holds an MS in Education and an MA in Transpersonal Psychology. Her writings on compassionate caregiving have been published in The Union newspaper’s Healthy You magazine and in the anthology, Art in the Time of Unbearable Crisis. Writer Advice awarded her the “Scintillating Start Prize” for the first chapter of her memoir, Watching for Dragonflies. Living in a cohousing community in the Sierra foothills, Suzanne enjoys spending time in the natural beauty that surrounds her. Learn more at her website https://suzannemarriottauthor.com and Facebook page www.facebook.com/suzannemarriottauthor]

WATCHING FOR DRAGONFLIES: A CAREGIVER’S TRANSFORMATIVE JOURNEY

Amid the many obstacles she and her husband, Michael, face after his diagnosis with multiple sclerosis, Suzanne Marriott learns to be a compassionate caregiver both for him and, ultimately, for herself. Through psychological and spiritual insights—including dream revelations, inner guidance, and Tibetan Buddhist practices—she cultivates her abilities and gains the courage to confront a medical system that often saves her husband but at other times threatens his life.

Despite Michael’s many hospitalizations, he makes miraculous recoveries that allow fun and adventure back into their lives, including his numinous experience with dragonflies. When Suzanne faces her own medical crisis, their world is once again shaken—yet throughout it all, love is their bond, one even death cannot sever as dreams and synchronicities connect them still. Candid and illuminating, Marriott’s story of growth through caregiving will appeal to anyone facing a life-changing crisis.

Buy Here: https://www.amazon.com/Watching-Dragonflies-Caregivers-Transformative-Journey-ebook/dp/B0B8H59GJX/

 

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips