It Could Never Happen To Me

It Could Never Happen To Me

Have you ever watched the news and seen one of those horrible stories about some stranger who killed their whole family and then killed themself? I have, I watched in horror, asking myself, “What kind of person does that?” I was thankful that I had a loving husband who would never do that to our family. 

In August 2017, the person I thought was my loving husband turned out to be a monster. We came dangerously close to being one of those families killed at the hands of the person they trusted the most. Thankfully, we all survived that horrible day.

While there weren’t physical casualties, there was indeed death. My children’s innocence and our safety and security died that day. Our “Rock,” who we thought loved us enough to die for us, nearly killed us. Our image of our loving husband/father was forever shattered. Our entire world, as we knew it, changed, never to return. 

It would take exactly four more years to the date of this incident for my husband’s self-destruction to catch up with him, leading to his physical death. My children and I would not stick around to be dragged down with him. We fled the state, leaving our home, my business and livelihood, and the community I had spent my entire life building. We started all over in the world’s toughest, most expensive city! I quickly learned that we would never be safe no matter where I went. 

You see, a piece of paper does not keep someone with mental illness away from you. In my husband’s mind, I stole his children from him; therefore, his violent actions were justified in his warped sense of justice. Yet, I still carried that order of protection in my purse. It became tattered and torn; the 52 times the order was violated, as I pulled it out for the police. 

We couldn’t talk to anyone who knew my husband because they would innocently give up our location. We moved three times, and I changed jobs every six months. He always found us. He was finally arrested in Family Court for attempting to kidnap the kids from their school four months earlier. The judge still granted him visitation rights that day!

Going back to the first question I asked when I heard about the families that died, “What kind of a person does this to his own family?” After all that I went through, I still didn’t have an answer. I only had more questions. Could we ever fully trust anyone again? Will we ever feel safe in our home? How did I get myself into this mess? How am I going to get myself out of it? Thoughts like these filled my head at night or in brief rest moments while frantically rebuilding my life that had just come crashing down around me. I was told to stop living in the past. I knew I couldn’t move on until I had answers. I had to understand why he did this to us, how I could prevent it from happening again, and what life lessons I could learn from what we went through. 

 I spent five years researching personality disorders and trying to understand the mindset of people who abused and killed their families. I watched YouTube videos and listened to podcasts on my subway rides to work. I read books at night and scoured the internet for articles and blog posts. I watched true crime documentaries and movies on the subject. The more information I consumed, the more questions I had. 

While listening to The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast, host Adam Young discusses the importance of engaging our story in healing. I started writing, and the thoughts milling around my head began to ease. I started to make some progress in my healing journey. The kids and I got counseling, and we found some support groups. I started consulting for restaurants and had eight iconic clients, making more money than I ever thought I could, and signed a lease for a beautiful apartment in SoHo. 

Then Covid happened. All the old wounds were ripped open. Quarantine isolated us all over again. The Narcissist Apocalypse podcast became a pseudo support group for me. I listened to every episode as these courageous survivors told their stories. By the thirtieth episode, it hit me. While each story had completely different scenarios, they all fit a pattern. Each survivor identified the same warning signs early on as the incidents gradually increased in frequency and severity. Armed with my years of research on abusive personalities, I was able to identify the tactics that were used in each of the stories.  

I went back to my writing, starting with the day I met my husband and named every abuse tactic he used and a warning sign he showed. Looking at it on paper, it was all so clear! The incidents started with name-calling and jokes at my expense and gradually escalated in frequency and severity over the course of 20 years. Naming the abuse became a powerful tool in my healing. It all finally made sense. I could finally move on. 

My healing journey showed me that millions of women are suffering in silence, trapped in highly toxic relationships, thinking that there is no way out. I knew that if I told my story and named the abuse tactics, victims would recognize the tactics in their own stories, just like I did in the survivor stories I listened to. I knew that this would grant them the power to name what was happening to them. This would be their first step toward the grueling but worthwhile path to freedom. 

My husband’s physical death proved my need to grieve all over again. My story wasn’t over yet. I wrote ten more chapters with no intention of publishing. Telling my story would have risks. What will my family think? What will his family think? Would employers not hire me if a quick Google search showed them I was a “battered wife?” Would clients not work with me if they thought I was somehow “damaged goods?” Will telling my story somehow affect how my children are perceived? Will other predators use this highly sensitive information against me? 

Going back to my first sentence, people are dying! Silence only allows the violence to spread. I survived to tell the story the other families did not live to share. Silence is not helpful to me, and my silence is a disservice to others

As survivors, our words spread awareness and empowers victims to heal and even change laws! Leaving was not that simple. It is much easier to leave a toxic situation if the signs are recognized early. To read more about my story and the warning signs of an abusive personality, check out my book Entangled In Blue:

ENTANGLED IN BLUE

“Entangled In Blue” is a powerful narrative that serves as both a cautionary tale and a source of empowerment for those who may find themselves entangled in the same web of abuse. Sarah’s journey unfolds after her appearance on Food Network’s Restaurant: Impossible, which inadvertently unveiled the years of abuse she had silently endured. “Entangled In Blue” is a gripping account that takes you through the aftermath of this revelation and Sarah’s courageous navigation of the difficult terrain. Within its pages, Sarah reflects on how she found herself in this situation and shares invaluable insights into recognizing the warning signs of an abusive personality and, crucially, how to extricate oneself from such a perilous dynamic before it escalates into violence. Not all abusive relationships leave visible scars. Often, the most insidious form of abuse is the one that hides behind a mask of intense love and devotion, making it difficult to recognize until it’s too late. Sarah’s story mirrors the unsettling trajectory of many abusive relationships. At first, they seem like a whirlwind of passion and romance, but over time, they morph into something far more sinister: manipulation and cruelty.

BUY HERE

—

Sarah Hummell, a mother of two and a Manhattan-based Hospitality Consultant, draws from her rich experience to shed light on pressing issues. The author of “Perfect Coffee at Home” and “Entangled In Blue;” a powerful narrative that serves as both a cautionary tale and a source of empowerment for those who may find themselves entangled in the same web of abuse. Through her writing, she tells her story of survival and seeks to raise awareness about the behavior patterns and red flags associated with abusive personalities.

“Sarah is one of the most intelligent business owners I’ve met. She knows her numbers; she went to a hotel school in Switzerland that is #1 in the world! She got a full academic scholarship for college. She’s run 3 hotels!” Celebrity Chef, Robert Irvine

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing