Light Shines in the Darkness

Drenched with guilt, I raced to the altar to confess my sins. I was six years old. I was full of guilt and shame because I was being sexually abused by the hired man on our farm. Nine years later I was sexually abused by my brother-in-law, Edmond. I told my parents but they only prayed. They never-ever talked with me about it.They never spoke to Edmond about it or my sister Ruth. I carried these two secrets alone for 33 years. And thus the foundation was laid for severe depression. Add to this my conservative, fear filled religious upbringing where I was taught that the Lord might return at any time and. And if had done the slightest wrong, like quarreling with my sister, I would be doomed to an eternity of flaming fires

Being a good student, an athlete and singer covered over most of the depression in my younger years. But it was always lurking in the background. As a child the tell-tail signs were bedwetting and night terrors.  

In high-school I discovered psychology. Carl Jung’s interpretation of dreams gave me hope. Dreams had meaning and understanding them could bring healing. I went to college to study psychology to further understand my psyche and to find rest for my tortured soul. But it was really only in seminary, at Yale Divinity School that I discovered grace, forgiveness and God’s unfailing love.  

Much later in life, I see that I was always prone to depression. I often could fight it off by delving into some new project. I helped start Daughters of Sarah, a Christian feminist magazine. I did a PhD at Northwestern University in the fields of psychology and religion and that scared the blues away for several years. But during this time I was a victim of sexual abuse both by a therapist and a professor. Looking back I believe that both of these men were long-term perpetrators.  But back then, we didn’t have the #MeTooMoment or the #WhyIdidn’tReport chorus of sexual abuse survivors. So we were silent, carrying the abuse alone.

By age 50, my life seemed very stable and on track. I was an ordained clergywoman, a clinical psychologist and director of a Pastoral Counseling Center in Evanston, Illinois. My marriage to a prominent seminary professor, Louie, seemed solid—unlike a former marriage that ended in divorce. But when Louie, out of the blue, insisted on divorce, I fell into a dark, dark pit of depression. As I look back, I realize that the toxicity of childhood and adolescent sexual abuse had never left me and it had to be reckoned with.

It has now been over two decades of healing from all the abuse. Of understanding not only the depression but also bi-polar disorder, commonly known as manic depression. Of understanding my sleep disorder and PTSD—post traumatic stress disorder.

The list of treatment for all of the mental illnesses is very long. It has included 4 month-long hospitalizations, working on a Rehabilitation Farm for 2 and ½ years, countless medications, meditation, exercise, counseling, spending time in nature. But perhaps most effective of all was ECT—electro convulsive therapy—commonly known as “shock treatment.”

I have had incredible support from family and friends during all these years. My beloved son, at the age of 20 had to manage my care with counselors, psychiatrists and landlords… My book is dedicated to him.

And included in this list of treatments list is the fact that I testified in court about the sexual abuse by Edmond, my brother-in-law. I was 15 years old when he sexually abused me. I was 64 years old when I testified. The year was 2008. Edmond was arrested for sexually abusing a 15-year old girl when she was at his farm.

While I had told siblings and son, two counselors and one relative about the abuse, it is when I testified against him that the deep, deep healing occurred. It was established in court that Edmond had been abusing girls and women for a period of at least 50 years. Yes, 50 years!—including his own daughter when she was 13 years old. How many women had he abused over the years? We’ll never know. A relative of his thinks it has been 60 to 70 women. Let me repeat, he has likely assaulted 60-70 women over a period of 50 years.

Our family was thrown into chaos at the time of his arrest. We assumed my sister would separate and divorce him but she did not. She essentially turned her back on us. When we tried to talk to her about it, she was evasive and hostile.  She was set on supporting her man.

The court case for Edmond occurred over a period of 18 months and he eventually was incarcerated for 11 months—you heard it: 11 months. The court case was very complicated. In the first day in court Edmonds lawyer presented a short letter to his victims. It said that Edmond was now in counseling, he now understands the hurt he inflicted and he hopes that in the future his victims will forgive him. I was enraged but the issue of forgiveness started to work on me.  I’m a Christian and Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” On the cross he cried, “Father forgive them. They know not what they do.” I agonized, I talked to my counselor, friends and family. I did not have it in my heart to forgive.  

Then I went on two spirituality l retreats. In the first one, I learned a song which included this line: “a space at the table for just and unjust.” At the second retreat I studied the beatitudes including the 5th one: “Blessed are merciful for they will receive mercy.”  Also, at the second one I had two powerful mystical experiences. In the one, Jesus came to talk to me.  In the second, I seemed to experience a light that came from me and reached to Edmond who was in prison.  Then the light moved and reached to my sister at her farm.

Never before had I had mystical experiences of this kind. But it was soon after this that I felt a great urge to write to Edmond and Ruth. I call it my “Forgiveness Letter.” It ends like this: “There is a place at the table for all of us. We have all been wounded in life and we are being healed with love as our hearts are open. Blessings, Grace and Love, Lucille.”

Just a week after I wrote the letter, a life-long friend, Alyce Claerbaut, called me. She planned to produce a one-woman show and she wanted my permission to base it on my life. I agreed. We then went to Dr Arlene Malinowki, who writes and performs one-woman shows. When Arlene heard my story she said, “This must first be a book.”  I was stunned but replied, “Ok, if you will tutor me, I’ll write a book.” I then spoke to several people. They all said, go for it. My son added, “It will help you heal.”

It soon became clear that my story would not only help me heal, but would also help others heal. So now I realize this is my calling, my ministry: to share my story. I feel deeply blessed that at this time in history, I can add my voice to the chorus of women speaking out in the #MeToo and the #WhyIDidn’tReport movements.

Sisters and brothers, join me. Let us march onward together. Our wounds can be healed, laws can be changed, perpetrators stopped and our young ones—our daughters and granddaughters can be spared. Yes, this is my vision: that the young ones will be spared.

—

Light Shines in the Darkness is Lucille F. Sider’s recently published memoir. It is published by Read the Spirit Books, an imprint of Front Edge Publishing, LLC.  For more information please see the book’s website: www.LightShinesInTheDarknessBook.com.

Lucille F. Sider is a clinical psychologist and clergywoman. She earned both a master of arts in religion from Yale Divinity School and a master of science from the University of Kentucky. She was awarded a Doctor of Philosophy degree from Northwestern University in the fields of psychology and religion. She is an ordained minister by the First Congregational Church, Evanston, Illinois.

Lucille was Executive Director of The Samaritan Pastoral Counseling Center in Evanston, Illinois. While there, she was licensed as a clinical psychologist and became a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Lucille is now retired but remains active as a volunteer in the Lighthouse program at Edgewater Presbyterian Church in Chicago and also at two retirement communities, focusing on people with memory disabilities.

She also is a popular speaker, writer, teacher and workshop leader.

 

Tags: women writers

Category: On Writing