Memoir: Agony and Relief
Lav Chintapalli at a New York Book signing for her children's book
Narrating stories is as old as history itself.
In writing about my childhood growing up in India, it’s mostly pain that I highlight: writing allows us to search the depths of our being – to excavate, sort, pile, discard, and heal.
Writing a personal narrative comes with mixed emotions, an eclectic blend of agony and relief – the agony of making experiences explicit, the relief that comes from giving them form.
As W. M. Thackeray, the 19th century English novelist stated, “There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up a pen to write.” In this way, a narrative becomes a process as well as a product – a healing process as well as a priceless product.
Narrating stories is as old as history itself – being one of the fundamental ways a society’s culture was passed on through generations. Not surprisingly, narrating stories is one of the first skills we learn as children as we expound on our adventures. Sometimes the stories we narrate are those of others. At other times they are self-narratives relating to our personal journey.
Lav Chintapalli is an expert in organizational learning, as well as a writer and children's book author.
As we grow from being children to adults, we spend more time narrating other people’s lives than looking at the frailty of our own emotions. Maybe it’s due to the fact that we have gotten accustomed to gossip, to being privy to celebrities’ lives. Yet, there is a distinction between what is relayed and what is narrated. To draw an analogy, it’s akin to a pesticide-filled apple versus an organic apple – they look only slightly distinguishable but vary immensely in their nurturing.
Reading memoirs is a privilege.
I’ve realized that fact only after I started penning my own. I don’t know if my memoir will ever see the light of day, or if I actually want it to see the light of day. You see, I’ve realized something along the way of writing my own – the catch with most memoirs is that they highlight folk in a not-so-pleasant-light which may ultimately lead to ripple effects of alienation, hostility, or unwanted sympathy – a writer who publishes a memoir has obviously accepted the fact.
Now, every time I pick up a personal narrative, I silently thank the author for allowing me a glimpse into her private emotions, for allowing me to access the depth of human experience as I live through her personal encounters, for allowing me to realize that I am not alone in my journey- that at the very core we are all the same, that we all experience the same emotional frailty, and lastly, for giving me a chance to walk in another’s moccasins. If that is not a privilege, I’m not sure what is.
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What moves you?
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Category: Expatriate Writers, Indian Women Writers, On Writing, Women Writing Memoirs
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Sites That Link to this Post
- Day 28 of 365 ~ Magic Mirrors | Lav Chintapalli | August 14, 2015
- Discipline of Writing. Writing as a Discipline. : Women Writers, Women Books | April 5, 2012
- Day 28 of 365 ~ Magic Mirrors « Observing Ourselves Observing | January 9, 2012
- Memoir: Agony and Relief « Observing Ourselves Observing | January 5, 2012
- Friendships with Women: Getting by with a Little Help from Friends : Women Writers, Women Books | August 14, 2011
Thank you for such an insightful and thought-provoking article! I recently had a memoir published, and I’ve found much of what you’ve written here to be true. There is much “agony and relief” in the act of sharing something so personal with a reader—a person who essentially is a stranger. My background is screenwriting—a very distancing genre of writing, and I found that the only way I could write my memoir was to look at my role in the story as a character. That technique helped me complete the first draft, and it was only in the many drafts that followed could I layer in my most innermost thoughts, feelings, and reflections. I applaud you for writing the implied warning that should be attached to any attempt at writing a memoir: “…the catch with most memoirs is that they highlight folk in a not-so-pleasant-light which may ultimately lead to ripple effects of alienation, hostility, or unwanted sympathy.” Perhaps I’m naive, but I did not expect “alienation, hostility, or unwanted sympathy” when my memoir was published, and yet, there’s much truth in your statement. There will always be a few people (for whatever reason) who will use your writing to lash out or to simply vent. My only disagreement with you comes in your assertion that “a writer who publishes a memoir has obviously accepted the fact.” That fact never even crossed my mind when I was writing my memoir. I fear that had I known, I might never have attempted writing it.
Darlene,
First, thank you for the thoughtful reply. Second, I applaud you for penning your memoir – this takes guts. Third, congrats on getting it published. This step takes a whole lot of heart. I know you weren’t expecting ‘alienation, hostility, or unwanted sympathy’ but was there any thought that flashed by your mind as you were writing about ‘others’, about what they might think or how they might perceive your work? Either way, I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing a back-lash. Is it so bad that you are regretting writing it?
I’ve always wondered if published-memoir authors live – exist – among those that they have written about, or do they write after they have removed themselves from the situation and people. It looks like you belong to the former category, in which case it must be very hard. How do you navigate those relations? BTW, is your book: ‘An Agoraphobic’s Guide to Hollywood: How Michael Jackson Got Me Out of the House’?
Wishing you much healing.
Lav.
Yes, that’s my book. And no, I can’t say that I regret having written it. It was important for me, as a personal journey, to have written the book. The hostility that was directed at me early on came from a small group of Michael Jackson fans that were more interested in venerating him as an idol than viewing him as a human being. But since writing that comment to you I’ve had other people contact me who not only appreciate the portrait of Michael in the book, but who also understand the story to be more about a writer’s life in Hollywood than a biographical portrait of Michael Jackson.
Interesting article and on a topic I’ve been thinking about. I also enjoy reading memoirs and like those that tell a story but also deliver a message.
I recently read ‘In the midst of life’ by Jennifer Worth. I highly recommend this book by a nurse with a lifetime’s experience and knowledge to share. Her story, or stories, are quite engrossing and perhaps a fine example of your point about narration. her story moved me while I read but also left me thinking on, after I finished, not just about her but the theme of her story.
Thanks for the suggestion Wendy! And as you said, there needs to be a point to the story, whether fiction or nonfiction – ramblings will not do. I will surely check it out.
Thanks for reading my post and the comment!
Cheers,
Lav.
Very powerful article. The statement “reading memoirs is a privilege” made me stop and think hard. I never put feelings behind reading a memoir. For me it was there, on the bookshelf for one reason; to read it. Never thought of the fact that I was reading someone’s deepest, most personal experience. Made me think if I would be able to publish my life? Would I want people to know some of my deepest darkest secrets? On the other hand do you think people really tell all of their life experiences just like it happens, or change some things so the book is more marketable?
The sentence: “We are looking at other people’s lives instead of our own emotions” raised yet another question. Why did you pick the word ‘emotions’ instead of actions? Yes, emotion and action go hand in hand but don’t we analyze our actions rather than our emotions (even though we probably should analyze our emotions first to understand our action)? Wow, I would so love to talk to you about this article…
Palma,
Thank you for your astute observations and comments. In a time where people are making-up memoirs, like the bestseller, ‘Three Cups of Tea’, one never knows the actual truth between the lines. Ethics in any discipline cannot be mandated – it has to come from within. So, we can only hope that the author is being true to the reader.
Your second question as to why did I pick ’emotions’, your pretty much answered it yourself. Most of the time emotions precede actions; or in other words actions are an outlet of what we feel. So, when we obsess about other people’s lives, perhaps we are avoiding something (emotions) within us?
The reason your post touched me was precisely because of your choice of emotions as opposed to actions. As a student of history and political science, I’m trained to study actions but the motivations for those actions is the heart of the story, and the part of the story that typically goes untold.
Writing about “emotions” is why I have been utterly unsuccessful at even beginning to write my own stories. At 41, and the mother of a 2 year old, I’m finding myself confronting memories and emotions I had long put in a box and stored away. My son, by the mere fact of his existence, has opened that box. I’ve been trying to write to find the meaning — and if not meaning, at least some sense of peace — about events in my life, but honestly facing the emotions in order to write about them is the hard part. I completely understand your gratitude to those that permit a glimpse of their emotions. Knowing now just how difficult it can be, I am humbled even more by those who are able to do so. I will keep trying!
Sorry for the late reply! I just saw your response – a bit of a time lapse.
I hope that from July till now, you have attempted to pen something. When I think back to when I started memoir-writing, all I remember was being afraid – afraid of what would come out, who would see it etc. I was terrified. But I forced myself to start …
I blogged about this topic on my personal blog – I called it Building Tolerance.
You can read it here:
http://lavchintapalli.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/building-up-tolerance/
And if you post a reply on my blog, I will get to you much faster. 🙂
Wishing you well!
Lav.
Profound! 😀 Reading this made me realize I need to appreciate and understand the author and their emotions more.
Glad your found a helpful nugget within the article.
Yes we writers, whatever genre, tend to spill out our emotions onto the page – call it projection.
Even as a fiction writer I find my poor, unsuspecting characters suffering from my own issues and fears – sorry guys, didn’t mean to dump you with emotional baggage!
But seriously, Hemingway is supposed to have said that writing a novel is not hard, that all you have to do is sit down at a typewriter and cut open a vein. Writing a memoir may be even more painful, but as you say Lav, there is also a healing process involved.
A thought-provoking, honest and poignant, well written article – an absolute pleasure to read. I love writing of such high caliber.
Thank you for your kind words Alison. You (and Hemingway) have accurately depicted an author’s ethos. What we write is but our own reflections, observations, and perspectives.
Lav, thank you so much for contributing this post. From an editor’s perspective you delivered a rich and personal piece to offer to other women writers. As a fellow writer, someone who has struggled with the voice, depth and story of her own memoir for years, your words hit home. What a quote you gave us:
“Writing a personal narrative comes with mixed emotions, an eclectic blend of agony and relief – the agony of making experiences explicit, the relief that comes from giving them form.”
And this thought, “Reading memoirs is a privilege.”
Your silent appreciation to your memoir authors is stirring. Would that you respond to it, as I hope to, by taking the plunge and finding a way to write our story that softens its presentation of others, and highlights the depth of our own life experience.
You’re welcome; I enjoyed writing it.
I concur with your last statement … if we can step back and realize the reason for writing a memoir – not to portray someone in a negative light, but rather convey our life lessons to others – I think more memoirs will see the light of day. Although it surely is a fine line! 🙂