Mental Illness Is a Family Affair

Mental Illness Is a Family Affair

There’s no doubt that when someone has mental health challenges, it’s the hardest on that individual. However, it does also have a marked impact on those around them. And as much as a person with mental illness needs support, so do the people close to them who see their lives change drastically as a result of their loved one’s diagnosis.

As described in my memoir, Bell Jar Butterfly, when I was eleven, my then eight-year-old sister, Katie, was diagnosed with bipolar. It’s hard to imagine how someone so young could have such horrific thoughts of self-harm, but she was overcome by suicidal ideation long before she should have even known what that was. Of course, everyone—parents, aunts and uncles, friends, teachers—rallied around Katie, doing everything possible to keep her safe. Just as they should. Katie needed all the love, care, and attention she received during that time and in the many times of crisis she’s experienced since.

But so did I. 

As the oldest, I felt it was my responsibility to be the strong one, the easy one, the perfect one. In many ways, I was proud of this role, and I clung to it almost as a lifeline during the turbulent periods of my sister’s mental health challenges. But while my parents sighed in relief, thanking God that I was independent and didn’t need to rely on them much, I found my sense of belonging crumbling. I may have been reading quietly in my room, seemingly removed from and indifferent to the action, but I could clearly hear Katie sobbing through the wall separating my bedroom from hers. Try as I might, I couldn’t block out the strident sounds of Katie screeching her intent to take herself from us forever.

Even the strongest person is going to be affected by that.

This pattern of my parents tending constantly to Katie’s needs and trusting that I would be okay on my own without really checking in prompted a significant shift in our family dynamic—I couldn’t help but feel forgotten. Of course, my parents drove me to dance lessons and asked me about my day at dinnertime and poked their heads in to say good night before bed. They always loved me and made sure my physical needs were taken care of. It was my emotional needs that were totally unfulfilled.

This is such an important thing to note because my mom and dad are phenomenal parents. They never had any intention of making me feel neglected. Truly, they were just relieved that I seemed so self-sufficient when they were completely drained after going above and beyond for Katie. But a schism was slowly forming, widening incrementally as I began to feel less and less emotionally connected to my family and, honestly, more and more resentful of the fact that I had become largely invisible.

This negative trend continued for many years before I finally vocalized my hurt and opened my parents’ eyes to how difficult it had been for me to go through the trauma of Katie’s mental illness alone. My mom and dad immediately viewed me through a new lens, recognizing me not as an independent child who didn’t need much but rather as a young girl quietly bearing the weight of her sister’s mental illness with no source of comfort and emotional support. They instantly understood how I must have felt and were determined not to make the same mistakes with my youngest sister, Sarah.

Since then, a lot of work has gone into repairing the relationships between me, Katie, and my parents. It’s a work in progress, but as we continue navigating the waves of mental illness together, we also continue closing the gap that, for a long time, yawned wide between us.

The takeaway here is twofold. One: If you are a parent to a child with mental health challenges, check in with all your kids. Of course, the one in crisis is going to need the majority of your time and energy. That’s just what you need to do to keep them safe. But you can still make a dedicated effort to understand where your other kids are mentally and emotionally and see how you can support them, even in the smallest of ways. Simply sending a text to tell them you’re thinking about them in the midst of the chaos can go a long way. (By the way, don’t forget to cut yourself some slack. You are doing an amazing job, and you’re a great parent. It will be okay.)

Two: If you are the sibling of someone with mental illness, don’t try to be the rock, the person who holds everyone up and pretends nothing is wrong. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Katie, it’s that we need to fully experience our feelings. If we push them down and refuse to manage the emotional distress that inevitably comes with watching a loved one battle mental illness, we allow anger, bitterness, and resentment to build up and fester. That’s only going to harm you and your relationships with your family in the long run. True strength is demonstrated when you calmly and courageously communicate your needs and establish a balance with your parents and other family members. 

If you’re living with mental illness, please know you are important, you are worthy, and you are here for a reason. And if you love someone who has mental health challenges, I recognize your unique pain. It’s a different perspective, but it’s a valid one, and if you manage your own mental health effectively, too, you can all get through this—together. 

—

BELL JARR BUTTERFLY

Her mind began to twist, plaguing her with dejection and self-doubt. As she plummeted into despondence, she noticed her wings beating gently into glass. Nudging her back. Keeping her in place. She became claustrophobic and flew around frantically, desperate to escape, but the glass was a seamless cage. She was hopelessly confined, stuck in her own head, fixated on her ubiquitous thoughts of anxiety and despair. What butterfly could survive in a bell jar?

Bipolar. Mood disorder. OCD. These aren’t words one usually associates with a child. Yet Katie found herself clenched in the unforgiving grip of mental illness at the tender age of eight. After receiving her initial diagnosis, she felt lost. Helpless. Scared. But she wasn’t alone in her fear. Her family was experiencing it right alongside her albeit in different ways. This set them all on a path that they never wanted to take-but one that taught them boundless love and compassion for each other and the rest of the world.

That journey-characterized by equal parts brokenness and healing-is described in full technicolor in Bell Jar Butterfly. Raw, real, and resonant, this inspiring memoir, capturing vivid snapshots of Katie’s life over the course of twenty years, seeks to validate the experiences of those living with mental illness while shining a light on the ripple effect on their loved ones. Comprising the unique perspectives of mother, father, older sibling, and younger sibling, this poignant narrative is intended to help any reader feel understood and recognize they’re not alone on their journey.

Between vignettes describing each family member’s experience, Bell Jar Butterfly offers guidance on things like how to maintain a strong marriage, hold on to faith, and use positive coping strategies when a loved one is battling mental illness. Ultimately, readers should turn the last page feeling equipped to effectively support those in their life with mental health challenges while still caring for themselves. Just as it’s a resource for other families navigating the confusing world of raising a child with mental illness, Bell Jar Butterfly is also a beautiful reminder that mental illness is only a part of a whole person who is important, worthy, and capable of great things.

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Lauren Green wrote her first (unpublished) book titled The Pepperoni Spumoni Junk Food Pizza when she was in second grade. In 2006, she was published in Anthology of Poetry by Young Americans and The Gates: Opening the World of Words when her poem was selected as a standout piece among the sixth-grade students across Missouri.

Since then, Lauren’s love of literature has only grown, and her desire to pursue a career in that field led her to study English writing and mass communication at Rockhurst University where she graduated number one in her class with dual degrees. During her time at Rockhurst, she was published in the 2014 and 2016 editions of Infectus, and she jumpstarted her career by working for various publishers and content creators starting from the time she was still a student.

After gathering the experience and expertise necessary to strike out on her own, Lauren started her own editing business, WriteWell, where she still serves as the founder and executive editor. With over a decade of professional experience, she has edited over twenty-five trade manuscripts and more than fifty children’s books in her role as director of author services with leading publisher Ballast Books.

As a result of growing up in a household rife with mental illness, Lauren has a deep passion for promoting mental health. She has devoted much of her time to sharing resources related to mental health in her community and teaching classes that help eradicate the stigma and foster empathy and understanding for those living with mental illness.

Lauren lives in her hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, with her husband, Jordan; daughter, Annesley; and Australian shepherd, Harper Lee.

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: Contemporary Women Writers