On Writing Lookin’ For Love, by Susen Edwards

By Susen Edwards, Author, Lookin’ for Love

I knew better than to declare sobriety, but something had shifted in my soul. A nagging voice in the back of my mind told me I was only fooling myself, but a stronger voice told me I’d found my home.

Back in my apartment, I piled my dance costumes on the bed. Some had cost as much as $200. Each was a work of art, a hand-stitched masterpiece. I could sell them to other dancers or give them to my friends, but that would mean I’d have to enter a bar or risk being sucked into another all-night party. One by one, I dropped them into a garbage bag. Before I walked to the dumpster, I thought about emptying my kitchen garbage into the bag to ensure I wouldn’t do a dumpster dive and retrieve them in the morning. But an inner voice told me that wouldn’t be necessary.

A fleeting sense of nostalgia passed through my heart as I tossed the bag, but it was soon replaced with a sense of lightness and freedom.

–And with that, Ava began her journey toward sobriety, freedom, and love.

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When I met “Ava” in 2018 she told me bits and pieces of her life: her marriages and children, her addiction and recovery, and her prison time in Kenya. She expressed interest in me writing her story but dredging up her past became too painful, and we put a halt to the project.

  In 2021 our conversations began again. Over the next year Ava’s life unfolded. She spoke of her heartbreaks, her joys, and her search for love and acceptance. 

I listened to Ava’s story with 21st century ears. I had to remind myself that a pregnant nineteen-year-old had few options in 1963. Ava managed to escape an emotionally abusive family life and found herself in a physically abusive marriage. 

A voice in my head asked: Why didn’t you go for counseling? Why didn’t you go to the police or a women’s shelter? Why didn’t you have an abortion?

–But as Ava noted:
The 1960s were a time of change, social unrest, and women’s liberation. All of that was slow to reach me. Tom [her first husband] had friends on the police force. Even if he hadn’t, I couldn’t file a complaint. Women were always at fault. Our bruises were self-inflicted or justified. I didn’t know how to find a women’s shelter, even if one existed. I was too humiliated to tell my friends about the abuse. I doubted anyone would believe me. All they saw was charming Tom. Maybe he drank too much, but didn’t all guys?”

Not only were Ava’s options limited at the time, but she was also naïve, afraid, and without familial guidance and support. Believing she was never good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough for love, she grasped at attention in any form from anyone who offered.

–And yet, Ava eventually found the courage to leave her disastrous marriage. 

When my 21st century mind asked why Ava didn’t pursue an education or legitimate career instead of becoming a “go-go” dancer, I’d remind myself that women earned sixty cents for every dollar earned by men in the 1960s, especially women with a high school education. Ava chose the only path she could find to support herself and provide for her children.

Unable to face the reality of her life, she turned to alcohol. When her ex-husband gained custody of her children, she turned to drugs. When her desire for love and acceptance became clouded by substance, she turned to Mike, a charismatic drug dealer, who promised her “a beautiful life.”

By the time The Crew, a South Florida drug cartel, sent Ava and Mike to Kenya to find farmers to grow marijuana, her mind and judgment had become clouded by drugs and loss. I’d never do anything so foolish, I thought. But then I reminded myself I was living in the 21st century, sober, secure in a comfortable middle-class home with a loving husband. Had I been in Ava’s situation, I may have followed in her footsteps.

After Ava left the Kenyan prison where Mike had abandoned her and his friends, she went back to him despite her desire for love, family, and a drug-free life.  

I’d have left that bastard for good. But would I, had I been in her position? 

Ava’s struggle continued for another eight years until, at age forty-two, she attended her first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Finally, her will was stronger than the substance, and she began her sobriety journey.

AA saved Ava’s life, but it was Ava who found the courage to remain sober, to leave dancing, attend cosmetology school, and fulfill her dream of moving to the Southwest.

Ava found the final missing piece of her life when she attended Praise Him Bible Church. Her relationship with God and Jesus filled the void that had lived within her for decades. 

She has found her calling: to help f abused, broken-hearted women escape from their prisons. Her greatest joy is watching their growth and transformation, knowing God is working through her every minute of every day. 

Ava’s courage, determination, and salvation will serve as an inspiration not only to women struggling with addiction and loss, but to all women. Her story is timeless. It’s a story of hope, survival, and the power of faith.

# # #

Susen Edwards’ upcoming Lookin’ for Love debuts on October 15, 2024 (distributed by Simon & Schuster). Susen is currently secretary for the board of trustees for her town library and a full-time writer. She is the author of two adult novels, What a Trip and Lookin’ for Love—as well as Doctor Whisper and Nurse Willow, a children’s fantasy. 

LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE

Based on a compelling and sometimes tragic true story, this novel follows young mother Ava from the go-go bars of the 1970s to the heart of Florida’s drug trade to a Kenyan prison to, ultimately, a place of forgiveness, faith, and love through recovery.

Inspired by a gripping true story, Lookin’ for Love begins in 1963, when Ava, nineteen and pregnant, marries a violent alcoholic and is disowned by her abusive mother. She bears two sons, leaves her husband, and turns to go-go dancing to provide for her children, using alcohol and drugs to numb herself to the degrading work. Then she meets Mike, a charismatic drug dealer who promises to give her “a beautiful life.” They move to Florida and begin working for The Crew, one of the largest drug smuggling organizations in the country. The Crew sends Ava and Mike to Kenya to find farmers to grow marijuana—but while they’re there, their home is raided, they’re charged with international drug smuggling, and Ava is sentenced to serve time in a Kenyan prison.

After her release, Ava struggles with sobriety but soon returns to dancing, alcohol, and drugs. Eventually, she hits bottom and surrenders her will to God. Once sober, she learns the power of forgiveness, faith, and love.

 

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing