The Inspiration Behind Open Deeply

As Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have become more transparent about their open relationship journey,it isn’t a shock to learn that one-fifth of the United States has engaged in consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Picking up where Janet W. Hardy’s The Ethical Slut left off, Kate Loree, LMFT, has penned the perfect self-help book to help couples tackle the ins and outs of CNM. 

Kate, who identifies as pansexual, has spent nearly 20 years practicing non-monogamy and specializes in counseling clients who practice it as well. Her colorful and cutting-edge new book, Open Deeply (April 19, She Writes Press, Paperback) tells her story in a series of vignettes as well as client experiences, illustrating the highs and lows of open relationships while providing detailed grounding techniques and effective communication skills to make the difficult conversations surrounding non-monogamy manageable.

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THE INSPIRATION BEHIND OPEN DEEPLY by Kate Loree LMFT

I wrote Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships because it’s the book I wish I had, oh so long ago. The year was 2003. I was in my early 30s and in my second year of my master’s program in marriage and family therapy. I was also working two jobs—as a graduate assistant and as a behavioral therapist working with children with autism—and completing an internship working with mentally ill adults. Life was intense for me, to say the least. 

One night, I came home tired after seeing many clients and going to class. Entering the small bungalow in Los Angeles that my artist boyfriend and I shared, I anticipated my precious hour of cuddle time with him before beginning the homework that would absorb the rest of my night. 

Upon walking in, I found Richard seated in front of the computer. When he turned to look at me, he had a gleam in his eye. His intensity was a large reason that I’d fallen in love (and in lust) with him, but that day, his intensity made me nervous. 

Behind him on the screen was a nude woman—provocatively posed, legs spread. As I took the image in, Richard explained that he had an idea, a big one. I looked from him to her and back again. Her eyes seemed to join in his mischievous glee. I became more nervous. 

Even though we were only about three months into our relationship, I had already learned to take even Richard’s most outlandish, seemingly impossible dreams seriously. This was a man who knew how to manifest dreams. And what he was about to propose was going to be a lot for a girl from the Deep South. 

But let’s take a few steps back. My first (three-hour-long) phone call with Richard, and the subsequent voluminous emails we sent one another, were filled with passion and ideas. We both agreed that we had been cheaters and that we wanted to have a relationship that would allow us to break past patterns. We wanted to find a better way. We joked about a once-a-year hall pass of hot sex with the person of our choosing. But I hadn’t really taken any of this talk seriously. It was all just fun and games, right? 

In hindsight, I can see how it was all ramping up to that fateful day from the beginning. 

Richard launched in. He had been talking to his friend Sadie Allison, a sex educator. He had been telling her the quandary he was in. He was falling in love and didn’t want to treat me as he had past women he’d dated. She had suggested swinging! 

Immediately, a vision of an orange van with pea-green shag carpet popped into my mind’s eye. A lascivious man with an open polyester shirt and a thick gold chain motioned me inside with his creepy but emotionally beaten down wife behind him. 

I shook the image from my mind, breaking the pregnant pause, and launched into a series of reasons why this idea was clear insanity. Only creepy people swing. If I swing, my peers will find out. My mom will find out. My career will be ruined. 

When Richard, who would become my partner for the next thirteen years, initially proposed non-monogamy, it took me some time to move through my initial shock. My knee-jerk, hard “no” quickly melted into a “maybe” as we discussed the possibilities. He was the excited one. I was the wary one. He patiently addressed all my fears. He assured me that we could take baby steps and stop at any time. He told me that I would always be more important than being non-monogamous. He was compassionate and patient during those initial discussions. This kindness allowed me to eventually let down my guard and take the first steps with the assurance that he had my back. 

That is the day that I became non-monogamous. Twenty years later, I’m a sex positive psychotherapist specializing in non-monogamy, but back then, I was the scared one. I was unaware of The Ethical Slut, that had been written six years previously. I had absolutely no resources or guidance. I look back to that version of myself and wish I could whisper in her ear—tell her that everything would be okay. More than okay. I’d tell her that a life of growth, passion, and possibility were before her. And yes, pain would be part of the process too, but it would all be worth it. 

Today, in my sex-positive private practice—a practice that serves the non-monogamous, kink, porn, and LGBTQ communities—I have noticed a pattern. Even before the first session, my client couples have often read the classics (The Ethical Slut or Opening Up) and therefore have the basic concepts and principles of consensual non-monogamy down. However, I quickly find myself referring them to other books, ones that speak through a monogamous lens. Now, why on earth would I do that? 

Because, although there are a lot of great non-monogamous resources now, there hasn’t been a non-monogamous book I can find that truly addresses what comes up every day in my private practice. Couples want and need to go deeper. They read the basic principles and issues, but the books available don’t go deep enough. Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want beautifully addresses attachment theory and the intricacies of communication, but through a monogamous and often heavily traditional lens. It can inadvertently help some non-monogamous people, but it’s lacking in that it doesn’t speak to their experience. 

This book attempts to fill this void for a more nontraditional and explorative audience. However, it might help more traditional, monogamous couples as well. Open Deeply provides a guide to successfully restructuring your relationship model while also addressing the deeper aspects of love, compassion, communication, and attachment. Interwoven is my personal story of being non-monogamous since 2003, along with helpful anecdotes inspired by what I have witnessed in my practice or experienced for myself. My hope is that this compassionate, attachment-focused template for non-monogamy will allow you to avoid pitfalls and find adventure even as you build healthy relationships. 

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ABOUT KATE LOREE:

Kate Loree, LMFT, is a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. In addition to her master’s in marriage and family therapy, she also has an MBA and is a registered art therapist (ATR). She is an EDSE certified sex educator and an EMDR certified therapist with additional training in the Trauma Resiliency Model (TRM) for the treatment of trauma. She has been practicing psychotherapy since 2003. She cohosts her own sex-positive podcast, Open Deeply, with Sunny Megatron, has been featured in Buzzfeed videos, and has been a guest on Playboy Radio and many podcasts, including American Sex, Sluts and Scholars, and Sex Nerd Sandra. She has written for Good Vibrations and

Hollywood Magazine and is a frequent public speaker. Her private practice resides in Encino, CA. For more information, please visit her at kateloree.com. 

 

 

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Category: On Writing