The Windy Road to Writing

If you had asked me when I was a kid what—or more accurately, who—I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer would have been a cross between Marlo Thomas’ character, Ann Marie, in “That Girl” and Jane Goodall, the British primatologist.

Ann Marie was a struggling actress living in New York City, an independent woman full of hope and energy who never wavered in her own belief of herself. As a young girl, I loved her steadfast determination and her unshakable joy—no matter how many rejections she endured. I also remember rejoicing about how her good-guy boyfriend was more like icing on the cake to her rather than the whole meal. What a refreshing change from what I witnessed with many of the real-life women in my world back then.

My other hero was Jane Goodall. Her love of nature and animals combined with her personal mission, which raised awareness about the plight of chimpanzees, helped nourish my own belief in the power of seeking one’s passion. I sat mesmerized as I watched National Geographic documentaries about her work. What an empowering message for an introspective girl that a naturally shy woman braved not only the forest—but also the media with serenity, humor, and intelligence.

Yet even with these role models, I couldn’t visualize—or even dream of—any future career choice. I did know, though, that I wanted to be as free-spirited and goal-oriented as Anne Marie (in fact, I often envisioned a future me trotting to work in New York City, wearing white go-go boots!) and as adventurous and truth seeking as Jane Goodall (I also saw myself trekking through the Amazon, as I saved endangered species in mud-soaked hiking boots).

Even though I grew up in the era of Gloria Steinem, no teachers, parents, or other adults ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up (although one junior high English teacher did tell me I was a talented writer). It was assumed that I’d graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids. As it turns out, that’s what happened.

Still, I pursued many vocations along the way, and as time rolled on, my need for finding a meaningful way to express myself intensified. I wanted to make myself heard, make a difference in the world, make my life into something more than what had been expected of me. Throughout the years, I wore many work hats: waitress, florist, salesperson, behavioral counselor, receptionist, secretarial assistant, vocational rehabilitation consultant, core counselor, nutritional coach, and over the last two decades, a freelance writer, blogger, novelist, and keynote speaker. Although my professional and educational path has been less than straightforward, I feel my writing is richer for it. Also, I believe that my prose is decidedly more complex, relatable, and thoughtful due to my personal struggle with severe anxiety.

As a young woman straight out of college, I chose to delay marriage and parenthood so that I could train for a career that best suited my creative side and professional goals. Having a B.A. in sociology meant that there weren’t a lot of jobs available, though. So, I worked two part-time jobs, one as a florist and the other as a weight-loss counselor.

After two years, I decided to go to grad school in order to become a licensed therapist. Although it never felt like the best fit, I reminded myself that I wanted to help others. As it turns out, I did graduate, and I also worked two years at a paid internship as a core counselor with schizophrenic adults (having gotten married along the way). Months before I was to give birth to my first child, though, I not only gave notice—but also realized that I wasn’t cut out to be a licensed therapist (due to the fact that I’m actually too empathetic and stress out way too easily).

Fast forward about a decade and a half, and I was a mother of two, who was finally diving into the world of writing. I first studied journalism at my local city college, and went on to write various how-to articles, travel pieces for print and online magazines, and became the lead sustainable living writer with online newspaper Noozhawk.com.

Then…after taking a class in fiction writing, I began my first novel, “The Grace of Crows.” A story about a woman overcoming debilitating anxiety, “The Grace of Crows,” became my key to leading a fuller, more meaningful and less anxious existence. Not only was I honing my writing skills as I worked on my debut novel (by attending writing classes, seminars, writer’s conferences, and working with editors), I was also turning my anxiety into something that could be understood—for both readers and myself. Interestingly, my masters in clinical psychology also helped deepen my writing skills (which made paying those student loans off less painful!).

I also began, too, to blog about mental health issues, particularly on anxiety, with the goal of helping people know that they’re not alone and there are answers, no matter how crippling it can be. The storyline of my second novel (which I’m currently seeking representation on) is about a florist who is grappling with the fear that she’s inherited her mother’s schizophrenia. Again, I’m grateful that my education and past work experience continues to enrich my writing.

So…here I am, a middle-aged woman, making myself heard, hoping my words can help others, living a life that is beyond what was expected of me. Is it easy? Of course not! As a struggling writer, an enormous chunk of my life is about promotion—and, of course, rejection. But, just like Ann Marie, I still believe in myself, and I’m still determined, regardless of the countless no’s. And, like my hero Jane Goodall, who trekked on regardless of her shy nature, I continue to push past my anxiety and seek my passion.

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Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. Tracy’s short stories have appeared in Literary Brushstrokes, Psychology Tomorrow Magazine, and most recently, Steel House Review. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications and is a frequent contributor to psychcentral.com. She has currently finished her second novel.

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips