Truth + Tall Tale = Falling Through the Night 

Truth + Tall Tale = Falling Through the Night 

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I’m pretty ordinary in most ways: middle class, awkward, bookish. I’m a mom and I live in a small city and I’m an omnivore. But some of my experiences have been a bit out of the ordinary: Giving up a child for adoption. Immigrating. Parenting with another woman. Healing from anxiety. I never set out to write an autobiographically-based novel, but that seems to have happened anyway. Blending fact and fiction has been a fascinating journey, and the resulting work is something that’s moving early readers deeply. 

Originally, Falling Through the Night, which launched from Demeter Press in February 2024, was a collection of personal essays about queer motherhood. I wanted to make a book using these pieces, but something wasn’t working about the ensemble. During a manuscript consultation with Canadian writer Betsy Warland, she looked at me quizzically during a meeting and asked whether this material might want to be a novel. It was a terrifying and thrilling thought…I’d never written a novel before. Ultimately, she was right. This was where the fun began. 

Although Falling Through the Night’s protagonist, Audrey Meyerwitz, was based on me and some of my experiences, we’re actually quite different. Audrey is in her 30s, a lesbian and an introvert, and, most importantly, she’s an adoptee with a deeply devoted mother. She was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as a child and grew up identifying as disabled and mentally ill. I’m in my 50s, bisexual, an extrovert, and grew up with my biological family. My own mother suffers from personality disorder, autism, and OCD, which created a host of problems growing up. Although anxiety is an issue for me, I did not have a diagnosis when I was a kid and do not consider myself disabled. Audrey’s issues stem from a choice her bio mother made, and I won’t tell you what it is because that would be a spoiler. 

On the other hand, a great deal of Audrey’s experiences mirror mine. Like Audrey, I longed to create a healthy family and never felt capable, until it happened. I’ve spent a great deal of my life healing, and when I met my ex-wife (now best friend), I had just finished an intensive period of wellness after months with Lyme Disease. I met Lucie over the internet while living in Burlington, Vermont, and like Audrey, immigrated to Canada to be with her in Montreal. Audrey and I are both Jewish and both center our lives around creative practice.

After moving to Montreal, I met a bunch of other queer women, all immigrants, and those relationships slowly evolved and became “chosen family;” this experience informed Audrey’s connection with the “Itchy Mortals,” her queer gal pals. Unlike Audrey, however, I’ve stayed closely connected with those friends. Her character arc demanded that she learn how to say no, and this meant some loss, which was actually sad for me. It’s hard to watch your characters grieve. 

Another chapter of my life that informed the novel was something Lucie and I lived when one of our close Montreal friends had terminal cancer and did not include us in her inner circle. Writing this part of the book was very therapeutic for me because as the novelist, I got to resolve a wrenchingly difficult situation that in real life had no resolution. The mere act of exploring another character’s point of view can be such a salve. 

We also share the same pregnancy story. Like Audrey, I did IVF, got pregnant with twins, found out that one had Down Syndrome, and chose to give that baby up for adoption. I dated an adopted woman when I was in my 30s and learned a lot about adoption trauma; I wondered about how those issues could be transformative if the adoptee faced a similar choice as their birth parent. That experience had a much deeper meaning for Audrey because she herself was adopted. 

Like Audrey, I had a best friend who was a recovering addict. Watching friends with addiction issues go through relapse is beyond heartbreaking, and it was something I felt compelled to write about. Although Jessica’s personality isn’t based on my friend, she is my second favorite character in the book, and I’m so grateful she’s such a big influence on my protagonist. 

Maybe the most vulnerable overlap between Audrey and me is anxiety. Although I don’t have a disabled identity like Audrey, I was first sent to therapy at age five and was constantly in trouble at home. Audrey’s mom, on the other hand, is actually more loving precisely because of her daughter’s disability, whereas for my parents, my challenges provoked anger and resentment. I thought a great deal about Martha’s life, challenges, and motivations, and she is, in fact, my favorite character in the book, because she’s both such a caring parent and such a flawed one. 

Are ordinary lives interesting? Not sure if there’s a good answer. In this case, I used what I knew as a jumping off point to what was a much more interesting and novel-worthy story about truth, healing, and what family can be when we get creative. So far, Falling Through the Night’s readers agree! 

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Gail Marlene Schwartz is a dual citizen, a relationship artist, and an above-average pianist. She is co-author of the books My Sister’s Girlfriend and The Loudest Bark (Rebel Mountain Press) and co-editor of the forthcoming essay collection, Boyhood Reimagined: Stories of Queer Moms Raising Sons (Motina Books). She is a founding editor of Hotch Potch Literature and Art, a collaborative online magazine, and also a freelance editor, writing coach, and writing instructor at the Community College of Vermont. Gail lives in Montpelier, Vermont with her partner, Erin; she spends every other weekend in Montreal with her best friend, Lucie, and their teenage son, Alexi. You can read more about her at gailmarleneschwartz.com.

FALLING THROUGH THE NIGHT

Audrey Meyerwitz wants to fall in love and have a family. But for this queer 30-something insomniac who’ s struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder since childhood, it’ s a goal that’ s far from simple. When best friend Jessica, a recovering alcoholic, helps introvert Audrey with a profile on SheLovesHer, Audrey takes that scary first step toward her lifelong dream. Through online dating, immigrating to Canada, and having a baby with Down Syndrome, she struggles and grows. But when Audrey unearths a secret about her mother, everything about her identity as a mother, a daughter, and a person with mental illness ruptures. How do we create closeness from roots of deep alienation? With humor, honesty, and complexity, Audrey learns that healthy love means accepting gains and losses, taking off the blinders of fantasy, and embracing the messiness that defines human families.

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing