Writing Through the Guilt by Alessandra Harris

At the beginning of the school year, my sixteen-year- old son and I did an exercise to foster conversation between parent and teen. The counselor would ask a question, and we would write our answer down and a guess as to the other person’s answer. After, we went over the questions and our answers, then got to one that asked, “What is your favorite memory?” I said my debut book launch party. My son said, “I guessed it was you and dad’s honeymoon.” Immediately guilt overwhelmed me, and I said, “Oh yes, that is. And don’t tell Dad how I answered that one.”

As a writer, wife, and working mom with four school-aged children, I have a lot to do and little time to do it all. In a perfect world, this means that I have to prioritize my to-do list and only spend an allotted amount of time on each task. But as any mom with children in the house knows, there’s no such thing as time-off.

Like most writers, I’m constantly in the state of either writing, thinking about writing, or scolding myself for not writing. So, I often feel like I’m not devoting enough of my time where I should, and hence feel guilty.

It’s no wonder that the women in my novels struggle with mom guilt, too. My debut novel, Blaming the Wind, follows two couples grappling with secrets, temptation, and illness. One character, Sophia, struggles with the choices she’s made concerning motherhood, and worries about the impact having a baby will have on her career and marriage.

Tara’s a working mom and breadwinner after her husband’s career-ending accident. When a handsome attorney sets his sights on Tara, she makes decisions that have lasting consequences on her marriage and three daughters.

My second novel, Everything She Lost, also follows two mothers: Nina, who’s trying to get her life back on track after a mental breakdown; and Deja, a single mom plagued with guilt over the things she’s done to keep food on the table for her son.

Though as a writer I have the ability to craft resolved endings for my characters, in real life, finding a balance is a daily struggle. However, there are three keys to keep moving forward as a mom and writer.

The first key is to schedule time for writing even if I feel selfish doing it. If I waited for the right time to write, I would never get around to it.

Instead, I set specific times of the day that I plan to write and try my hardest to stick to them. Though the first eight years as a stay-at-home were much more labor intensive as far as child-rearing goes, having young children that went to sleep by eight provided me time to write in the evening. However now, with two teenagers that usually go to bed later than I do and often have school or sports activities late into the evening, I often write in short blocks right after I’ve cooked dinner and helped with homework, and if possible, longer blocks early in the morning on the weekends.

Just because I’ve scheduled the time to write, doesn’t mean everything else falls away. So, the second key is if I feel the guilt, keep writing anyways.

Without fail, every day, one – or all – of the kids just have something they didn’t tell me the past three hours ago, or need help, or can’t find something. And without fail, I’ll have to tell them, “I’m writing. I’ll help you as soon as I’m done.” Even though they know I’m writing, they still act like I’ve disowned them.

My ten-year-old will often whisper what he wants to say in my ear, as if speaking in a quieter voice doesn’t really count as interrupting. I’m always tempted to just drop what I’m doing and address their concerns, but unless something’s on fire or someone is in tears, I keep going and remind myself that they’ll survive for an hour or so without me.

Setting these boundaries is not only healthy, but it helps me remember the third key: continue to set an example for my kids.

They’ve witnessed me working really hard on something that’s important to me for years. Before I signed with the small press, Red Adept Publishing, they saw me querying agents: the joy I felt when agents requested pages, the devastation of rejections, and how I kept persevering until I signed my publishing contract. I show them that it’s important to put all distractions aside and focus on something even when the results aren’t immediate. I hope that’s an example they’ll remember as they chase their own dreams and come up against adversity but keep going.

Raising children with my husband is both the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life. And while being a mom is most definitely the most important role God’s allowed me to have, I’ve also learned that it’s important to have meaningful work that I enjoy as well. Though it’s not easy to juggle both, the joy I feel when writing, the sense of accomplishment gained after publishing a book, and the example I’m setting for my kids are well worth the hard work…and guilt.

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