Writing What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship

My name is Dr. Amelia Kelley and I am a trauma-informed therapist and advocate for survivors of domestic violence and other forms of relationship trauma. With over fifteen years of experience as a therapist, I have been witness to stories from clients who overcome incredible trauma and various forms of abuse. Their stories have become woven into the way I see the world, relationships and what it means to survive.

In addition to counseling, I am a coach, teacher and public speaker, and have been featured on various podcasts offering my expertise on topics such as trauma, healthy relationships, adult ADHD and what it means to live as a highly sensitive person (HSP). On one such podcast, High Heels and Heartache, the host, Kendall Ann Combs, would soon become my future co-author. After doing an episode focusing on how trauma affects the body, I asked her if she had ever thought of writing a book about everything she has learned while doing her podcast. Being a survivor herself, she had integrated her own survivor story to create her podcast in an effort to help others overcome their own harrowing experiences.

From that idea, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship was created. This book was not my first step into the world of writing, but it certainly was one of the most life-changing experiences I’ve had. My passion for writing began in my early childhood. I was constantly reading and typing (literally typing on a typewriter) mini-series and mock-magazine articles. From there my writing has taken more of a scholarly and psycho-educational turn when I began my post-graduate career working towards my Master’s in Art Therapy as well as my Doctorate in Psychology. 

But still I have always been drawn to stories, especially true stories and memoirs. That is why the process of writing this book was so unique—it was a way to merge my experience as an academic and clinical writer with that of non-fiction narration and story-telling. 

Each chapter was a new challenge and opportunity for me to learn. My co-author would write her experience from the inception of her abusive relationship, to her confusion about leaving. From there she shared her courageous story of escaping from her abusive relationship and then finally explored the struggles of trusting herself and finding joy and love again. As her story evolved I moved and grew with her. I was present to her intense pain and her incredible triumph. The only way I could offer the best advice and support was by immersing myself and feeling what Kendall Ann had felt. I would write with the same empathy I feel when sitting with someone I care for or counsel. That was the only way to offer the truth.

Wearing both hats of writer and therapist, was both exciting and challenging. As I wrote, I created a safe space for my co-author to share her survival story. Being able to synthesize everything she went through into something that made sense to readers was really important to me. I wanted to make sure that the skills, research and ideas I was sharing felt relatable and attainable. I always kept in mind what it would be like to make major changes in life when experiencing the trauma of abuse. It was important to me that the readers gained a sense of empowerment from reading the book. I intended for everything I wrote to be applicable to the present moment. I wanted the reader to feel what it felt like to “take a deep breath” or practice journaling what they were learning in real time

Something else that was focal in my writing process was being open to feedback. I sought it out as often as possible. Whether it be from my co-author who had lived the experience, my clients who have continued to honor me with their trust in the therapy process or close friends and family who are themselves survivors, I was a loyal student to them all. I felt it was my responsibility to take their temperature on what I was writing and see if it offered the safe, empowering space I was trying to create.

I once read this quote about writing: “When writing a book make sure you write something you want to read, because you will read it 75 times.” This was so close to the truth that I wish I had kept count during the post-production process. I have come to realize that once I know what I am writing about, I am not someone who experiences writer’s block. Rather I am someone who experiences more of a word avalanche. My words will come quickly and firmly onto a page. It is not until after they are written and I emerge in the process as a reader that I truly know what I wrote and whether it conveys my true message. The editing process is where I connect with both my identity as a writer and creator. The first draft for me is when I simply show up. 

I will forever be grateful for this book, my co-author and everything I learned during writing What I Wish I Knew. This experience will always impact the way I work with survivors and how I counsel. It has expanded my understanding of what it means to be a survivor, deepening my awareness, compassion and respect for each and every one of them.

Amelia Kelley PhD, MS, LCMHC, ATR, RYT, is a trauma-informed therapist with a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from Capella University, along with a Masters in Art Therapy and Counseling from Nazareth College of Rochester. She is a trained Hypno-therapist, Art therapist, HSP therapist, EMDR-informed therapist and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field focusing on relationships, Highly Sensitive Persons, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS’s Work/Life Program in Cary, NC and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute.