Five Lessons on Writing and Motherhood
When people see me with three young children, they assume I’m a full-time housewife. On the other hand, writer friends are often surprised when I tell them I have three kids.
On March 6th, 2018, my debut novel, RAINBIRDS, came out. I first wrote it for NaNoWriMo in 2013. At that time, I already had a toddler and a baby. I gave birth to my third child in 2016.
A lot of people ask, “How did you do that?” and I usually answer, “I don’t know. I just try my best.”
Of course, I’m not always successful. I have limited capabilities and many shortcomings. With that being said, I’d like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years.
- There is no ideal condition to write.
Learn to accept that you’re unlikely to write under your ideal condition. Forget the lovely home office and uninterrupted writing time. I do most of my writing on my bed, next to a sleeping child. When my kids were younger, I used to write while breastfeeding. I became a master at stacking pillows to create workspace.
Children WILL wake up when you’re deep in your writing. Relax. Quickly jot down some notes, attend to the child, and continue to write later.
Write whenever possible, no matter how short the period is. Get used to being immediately in the mood to write. Time is scarce. Don’t waste it staring at the monitor/wall/blank pages.
Think of what to write outside your writing time. Some people love to read when they’re commuting. I tend to get dizzy when reading on a bus, so instead, I do my brainstorming and make notes on my cell phone.
- Build your tribe – connect with other writing mothers.
It’s always helpful to talk to others in the similar position. I connect with other writing mothers through a private group on Facebook. Just knowing that you’re not alone in this journey is immensely helpful.
Learn from those who have made it further down the road. I was also lucky to be chosen as a mentee by the awesome Jenny Ashcroft through the WoMentoring Project. It’s a free mentorship project by women, for women—and if you qualify, I definitely encourage you to apply.
Jenny has been a great teacher and cheerleader. Not only has she taught me about the writing craft and the publishing industry, she was also the one who gave me one of the most important lessons a writing mother can learn.
- Ask for help, and learn to trust others.
I shared with Jenny how helpless I felt. I really wanted to write, but I also wished to be present for my children all the time. I wanted to everything to be perfect for my children and I was overwhelmed by my perceived failure.
Jenny taught me it was all right to ask for help. Taking time off does not make you a bad mother. I was pleasantly surprised when my husband readily agreed to look after the children by himself. He probably saw that I needed the break. And I have to confess I was extremely nervous about leaving the children with him. They probably watch more TV and eat more snacks than what I would allow, but the kids are totally fine. No one burns down the house. And the time off did wonders. I came home happier and more energized.
Don’t feel guilty about delegating some of your tasks to others. A lot of fathers enjoy participating in their children’s activities, be it taking them to doctor’s appointments or volunteering for school events.
- It’s not going to be 100% perfect, and it’s okay.
A lot of us have a picture of how everything is supposed to be: the house is clean and tidy, the children’s dresses are color-coordinated, the food is a well-balanced meal, homemade, and always includes a huge serving of colorful vegetables and fruits.
Well, there are only twenty-four hours a day and there is only so much we can do. Prioritize what’s important. It’s all right to say no. You don’t need to please everyone. It’s impossible, anyway.
Learn to embrace the imperfection and see everything in a positive light. The house is warmer with some doodles on the wall. The children show their unique personalities through mismatched outfits. What about the pre-requisite vegetable and fruit servings? Alternatives like fruit juices and dried vegetable chips are healthy and yummy. Kids love them.
- It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
Because motherhood is probably the best gift I’ve ever received in my life. And one of the best gifts I can give my children is to show them that dreams do come true.
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Clarissa Goenawan is an Indonesian-born Singaporean writer. Her award-winning short fiction has appeared in literary magazines and anthologies in Singapore, Australia, the UK, and the US. Rainbirds is her first novel.
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About RAINBIRDS
Set in an imagined town outside Tokyo, Clarissa Goenawan’s dark, spellbinding literary debut follows a young man’s path to self-discovery in the wake of his sister’s murder.
Ren Ishida has nearly completed his graduate degree at Keio University when he receives news of his sister’s violent death. Keiko was stabbed one rainy night on her way home, and there are no leads. Ren heads to Akakawa to conclude his sister’s affairs, failing to understand why she chose to turn her back on the family and Tokyo for this desolate place years ago.
But then Ren is offered Keiko’s newly vacant teaching position at a prestigious local cram school and her bizarre former arrangement of free lodging at a wealthy politician’s mansion in exchange for reading to the man’s ailing wife. He accepts both, abandoning Tokyo and his crumbling relationship there in order to better understand his sister’s life and what took place the night of her death.
As Ren comes to know the eccentric local figures, from the enigmatic politician who’s boarding him to his fellow teachers and a rebellious, captivating young female student, he delves into his shared childhood with Keiko and what followed. Haunted in his dreams by a young girl who is desperately trying to tell him something, Ren realizes that Keiko Ishida kept many secrets, even from him.
Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips
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