Writing A Book About Sleep, Grief and Dreams: Answers in the Dark

June 29, 2022 | By Women Writers Women Books | Reply More

I’m going to start by keeping it real. Upfront, my first book took me 10 years to write. Not because I’m lazy, or because I wasn’t motivated. I explain at the beginning of Answers in the Dark that it was mainly because, well…science.

Key message #1: Know your audience

I felt a huge (albeit unrealistic) pressure to make sure it was The Best Book Ever when it came to the science-y details, because I thought it might be picked apart by the academic community. Every time a piece of research came out, I thought “I have to read this” or “I should include that” to show them I know what I’m talking about. Then one day, about eight years in, I was teaching with a group of women who were going through a hard time. I aimed to work with them the same as I have done my whole therapeutic career; with empathy and teaching how I talk: plain English. Keeping it simple. Nothing fancy.

I was explaining sleep, and dreams and how I think it’s all connected to grief (and what we grieve for), and this one lady said to me “I wish I’d known this years ago”. I silently thought “Had I finished this book you might have!”. Over time I’ve genuinely lost count of the number of people who have said to me “You have to write a book”. I decided then, my book wasn’t for academics, it’s for people I’m trying to help.

Key message #2: Know your style

That’s when I made the decision to write it how I speak and deliver the messages how I teach it. Even if a doubt would occasionally creep in like “there’s loads of books on these topics”, I remembered Liz Gilbert’s quote I think in Big Magic, that no one will ever write a book like you, because it’s your book. I genuinely believe that, at least as I’m writing this, there isn’t a book yet like mine. From then, it took me about 12-18 months to complete.

My background is that I like to help people, as I call it, find their mojo and get their sparkle back, and the inspiration for the book has come from years of speaking with people and helping them work out what helps and what doesn’t. I got frustrated with seeing the same old stuff being pushed out in boring ways – people often found their way to me because what they were reading elsewhere wasn’t helping – and I decided I’d try to explain it my way. Not that it’s the only way, just another perspective; the whole book is about offering food for thought around conversations I think we need to have. You’ll notice that I’m writing this as if I was talking to you now; that’s my style.

Key message #3: Know your content

I actually decided on the synopsis, before I wrote the book itself. I knew what I wanted to cover and so I wrote the headings for each chapter and then filled in from there. When I write, I have to be “in the zone”. Thankfully, I teach about that too, so I have some ideas about how to get there. Essentially, I would say: when you feel inspired, just write. Whether it’s in a notebook, notes in your phone, or straight in to your laptop, and even if it feels like absolute garbage. I often find I feel most inspired when I’ve been researching, reading others work (even if I don’t agree with it). Feeling confident about what I’m writing enabled me to write more than I need; remember you can always edit later. (I did a lot of that in the final submission process.)

I’m not someone who can make an appointment in my calendar to sit and write (I have tried that) – and I know this works for some people – I have to be more spontaneous than that. It’s almost like my head gets full of ideas and the only way I can empty it is to sit and write it all out. I have lots of notebooks (but, honestly, can you ever really have too many).

I’m not endorsing late nights or early mornings though (I mean, I wrote a book that talks about sleep) but at the same time, learn to register when you’re feeling inspired and go with it. Empty your head and you might find it pieces together.

Synopsis for Answers in the Dark

The 4am Mystery: that’s an actual thing by the way. Even before a global health crisis took the shape of COVID-19, people around the world were finding themselves sleep deprived, awake in the middle of the night.

You might be someone who says, no matter what you do, you just can’t sleep. Sometimes you know why: your thoughts are racing, or a nightmare has startled you into consciousness. Other nights you might toss and turn and, just as you finally doze off, the alarm blares.

This book was written for you.

It explores why you’re awake, how you can manage your mind at night, and what might help if it’s your dream content wreaking havoc.

Drawing on nearly two decades of therapeutic work, research, and an ancient wisdom proven to helpfully manage the mind, Delphi connects the dots between sleep, dreams and our mental health. She particularly highlights the impact of grief and loss on our well-being, which can ultimately affect the quality of our night-time rest – even if no one has died. Her book guides the reader on a journey to make friends with night-time, learning what the dark might have to offer, to achieve a calmer, healthier, happier life.

Answers in the Dark went straight to #1 in Hot New Releases (and stayed there for about a week), and went to #3 in a Best Sellers list in one of its categories on Amazon, on publication day.

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Delphi is a qualified counsellor, well-being trainer and mindfulness practitioner who has worked in a therapeutic setting since 2002. She started her helping career supporting people in grief, mainly those bereaved by murder and suicide. She now works in the community promoting mental health maintenance and recovery, mindful leadership and workplace wellness. She lives in Bedfordshire, UK.