Dani Alpert: On Writing
by Dani Alpert
My debut memoir, The Girlfriend Mom, was published at the height of the pandemic. I had no interest in writing another book after that experience. For a few fleeting moments, I did think about writing a follow-up, The Ex-Girlfriend Mom, because so much had happened since the original. But I was over it, myself, and writing. I had no interest in going back to the well and reliving that part of my life. When I’m done with something, I’m really done.
The pandemic gave me a boatload of time to think, gaze at my navel, and find ways to stay alive. And then I was bored. It was time to do something. My brain couldn’t take any more horror, and I needed to keep my hands busy and my mind distracted. I was ready to make something. After a failed attempt at a podcast and another creative endeavor that now escapes me, I returned to writing.
I spent about a week looking through old notebooks, scraps of loose paper in desk drawers, my filing cabinet of half-baked ideas, and I came up with my next project—a collection of personal essays. There wasn’t any way that I could take on another memoir. The mere thought of it was overwhelming and nauseating. And it didn’t interest me. Individual essays, however, seemed manageable considering my state of mind. I revisited a couple of stories that I’d written years earlier, which read like a first grader had penned them. I had a lot of rewriting to do.
A writer friend of mine had moved to New York, and she became my first editor. We workshopped the stories as soon as I had a first draft. This was an essential piece of the writing process. As a performer, I read out loud to my audience of one, and we went from there. It helped that she, too, is a comedy writer and performer, so we speak the same language and share a similar sense of humor. I have to hear my words out loud because the stories need to sound like how I talk and not bookish. I used to think I had to write in a certain way, so that I sounded formal and smart. It was false and inauthentic. I’m not literary or all that smart. My friend and editor said that sometimes my work reads like a term paper and not at all like how I talk.
I’m usually not a fan of discussing the writing process because every writer has their own, and one isn’t any better than another. If people are curious, that’s one thing, but I would never tell someone how to write. The key to this writing thing, as I see it, is to find what works for your needs, wants, idiosyncrasies, and habits. But since you asked, I’ll share.
The best advice that I got when I first started writing was to be open to the shitty first draft. It’s a vital first step. I write and write and write until I have nothing left. I don’t stop, edit, or rewrite as I go. After these many years, it’s freeing to know that the draft doesn’t count, in the sense that no one will see it, and there isn’t a right or wrong or some expectation that what’s on the page is printable quality. Once that slog is done, I go back and read and edit. Write, read, edit. Repeat. The most humbling part of the process that has happened every time I’ve written anything is the moment when I think I’m done. And then my editor, or Beta reader, hands back my manuscript with a shit ton of red markings and notes.
I hired a professional editor fairly early on in the process, and I recruited a couple of generous beta readers. The entire process took a little under four years. It would seem that four years is my sweet spot. What non-writer people don’t understand is that it can take months for an editor to return the manuscript. And that time is included in those four years.
The beauty and gift of writing this book was seeing the growth since The Girlfriend Mom. I’m much faster at recognizing old habits like writing as if it’s a term paper. I continue to believe that I shouldn’t have graduated from seventh-grade English class, and my parents should ask for their money back. I’m also a lot kinder to myself, and I let the professionals with their multiple degrees in English point out the places where I switch tenses mid-stream.
The two constants when I write continue to be an early morning start and a cup of pour-over coffee. I do enjoy a routine, and discipline is my superpower.
Writing essays fits my personality and my short attention span. I like the idea of short bouts of commitment. In some ways, it’s a more challenging genre than memoir. I had to express myself, be coherent (not my forte), and tell a complete story in a shorter amount of time and pages. But I could also focus on only those stories that I was passionate about. My goal was to make each story as funny as I could, and the parameters of the essay helped me to do that.
What I write about and what form it takes greatly depend on my mood, headspace, and, oftentimes, external circumstances. Writing this collection of stories taught me that I’m equally at home in personal essays as I am in memoir. The creative pursuit is the point and I’m grateful that I didn’t let Covid stop me.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
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Dani Alpert is the author of Hello? Who is This? Margaret?—a new collection of humorous essays—and the memoir, The Girlfriend Mom, winner of the 2020 Story Circle Network Gilda Award for comedy, honoring Gilda Radner. Her work appears in numerous outlets. Dani spent decades working in theater, television, and film, performing, writing, and directing. She’s a Pilates instructress and an advocate for the Down syndrome community. Dani’s first headshot was her mugshot taken after being arrested for tagging when she was a juvenile. She’s been trying to reclaim those glory days ever since.
A comedic look at blind ambition, stubborn optimism, and perseverance.
Dani Alpert is an expert on the fortitude and delusion required to pursue childhood dreams that just won’t drop dead. Her experiences are a case study in the human spirit’s tenacity and its unwavering ability to keep going in the face of crushing rejection. After years toiling in the entertainment industry, hearing “Almost,” “So close,” or “Not quite” on a loop, she turned rejection into fuel and humor into a survival tool.
Some of Dani’s stories dive into the bowels of childhood, the creative psyche, and the birth of an aspiring Broadway baby. Other episodes explore crippling adult fears and self-doubt and what happens when the ingénue becomes a member of AARP. Whether she’s describing her bumpy road trying to get a foothold in Hollywood, her retail adventures shopping for gas masks during COVID, or her idiotic decision to vacation at a romantic couple’s resort after a heart-wrenching breakup, Dani offers gentle shoves—inspiration wrapped in cautionary tales—for anyone still chasing their dreams but feeling stuck.
Hello? Who Is This? Margaret? delivers tales of universally awkward, misunderstood, and human failings through wit, pop culture, and Dani’s losses and wins (mostly losses). Her humor—sometimes dark and distorted but always self-aware—is a salve for the messiness and absurdities of life. Dani’s candid essays speak to the hopeful in all of us.
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Category: On Writing
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