Who Were You B.C. (before children)?

By Beth Farrar

An interesting part of memoir writing is going back in time and remembering who you were before life hit you. Before you became a mother or father, and suddenly your given name was not often heard in your household.

“Mom, where’s my shoes?”
“Dad, can you drive me to the rink?”

B.C., or before children as I like to refer to that time period, we were wholly formed humans (most of us) who had dreams, ambitions, opinions, and the luxury of being responsible mainly for ourselves. I’m being broad, but you understand.

Our children certainly never knew these beings. And I bet you don’t remember most of who you were back then either – which is exactly why I love memoir writing so much.

From my days of reading Nancy Drew, I’ve wanted to be a detective. The good news is that memoir writing allows us to do exactly that, without the trench coat or the danger. The even better news is that many of us already have a multitude of clues lying around right now, just waiting to help us create the case files of who we were B.C.

And why is that important?

Because who you were formed who you are. You might believe you are two entirely different people now, but you’re not. You may have mellowed, or hardened, or grown quieter, or louder – but your essence still lives. And if it shifted, wouldn’t it be interesting to explore why?

So, let’s find that person.

Photos are where I head first in most of my searches. Don’t rely solely on your own collection. Ask family members and old friends if they have photos you appear in “back in the day.” Think sleepovers, camping trips, vacations with large family groups, or celebrations like baptisms, weddings, anniversaries – and yes, even funerals. These images were taken through someone else’s lens, literally and figuratively, and they often reveal details you may have forgotten or never noticed at the time.

If you enjoy structure, consider creating a plan that focuses on the decades of your life. Early years can be fuzzy, so photos from this time are priceless. Verbal stories from parents, aunts, uncles, or family friends are just as valuable. People remember events differently, and those differences matter. It’s been said that each sibling in a family is raised by different parents because family dynamics shift over time. I believe that completely.

Your school years likely come with their own built-in archive: class photos and yearbooks. These can showcase field trips, Scholastic book fairs (sigh), drama productions, concerts, graduations, sports teams, and clubs you may have forgotten you ever joined. Seeing yourself frozen in one of these moments can be startling – and it may also open the floodgates.

As you move into adulthood, you’ll encounter dreams you achieved, dreams you’re still working toward, and dreams that changed entirely. All of them are valid. They mark who you were at that precise moment in time. They’re precious. And someday, they may surprise your children – or even inspire them to dream bigger themselves.

You may also uncover memories tied to unpleasant events. I firmly believe you don’t have to share everything. You can create a complete, unfiltered version of your life story just for yourself, and then decide what stays or goes if you plan to share it. You might even leave instructions not to release your memoir until after your death. By then, will you really care what people think? It’s your choice. And even if certain events never make it onto the page, remembering them can be a way to finally lay them down.

Now, here’s another way to find memories – one that’s often overlooked: objects.

I’m talking about the random, dusty things tucked into boxes, drawers, and closets. Ticket stubs. Old journals. Letters. Concert programs. University notebooks. That chipped mug you hauled through three apartments. Clothing you kept for no logical reason. These items are time machines. Hold them. Smell them. Ask yourself why you kept them. Objects often unlock emotional memories faster than photos because they were once part of your daily life. They remember your hands.

Music deserves an honorable mention here too. One song can transport you instantly – back to a long drive, a breakup, a summer job, or a kitchen dance party at midnight. Make playlists by decade or by life phase and see what surfaces. You may be surprised by who you meet there.

A few people have asked me why even bother writing a memoir. Who’s going to care about your life but you?

Honestly? I would have been over the moon to know more about my parents’ younger years. Who they really were. What they dreamed of. Their favorite books, bands, or secret ambitions. What might sound mundane could completely reshape how you see the people who raised you.

When you’re young, your parents are just Mom and Dad. Youth can be a self-centered existence, and curiosity about your parents’ inner lives rarely makes the list.

And then it’s too late. They’re gone, and so are most of the people who knew them when they were young.

I’m not letting that happen to my children. Even if all they discover is my obsession with Genesis after I’m gone, well – maybe they’ll give the music a listen.

And in the meantime, I’m having a great time remembering who I was, who I became, and how far I’ve come.

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About Beth Farrar:

I fell in love with reading thanks to a library card—and with genealogy thanks to a mysterious old signet ring. After years as a newspaper columnist and raising three boys in a log cabin by a lake, I now write genealogy mysteries filled with secrets, records, and surprises. I published later in life, learn new tech daily, and believe everyone should write their story—share it, hide it, or burn it. Join me on Instagram or Facebook for writing inspiration and book news.

Find out more about Beth on her website https://bethfarrar.com/

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing