How To Handle Rejection: Six Tips
The lives of creative people fascinate me. As far back as I can recall, I have devoured biographies and interviews with performing artists—singers, actors, dancers, even famous models. Often I read how some celebrated actress has faced repeated rejections, only to triumph finally with a huge hit—the breakthrough role that made her career. I learned actresses routinely are told they are too fat or too tall or too old or too ugly. Yes, too ugly! Imagine that. How did they find the strength to endure all that negative feedback?
The short, simple answer is always the same. That actress believed in herself. She never quit. But what kept her going?
After I had been writing fiction for a few years—practicing my craft, hoping to be published one day—a revelation hit me. Being a writer is akin to going to auditions repeatedly and waiting for your big break. Just because I wasn’t being told to my face that I was too _____ (fill in the blank here) didn’t mean I wasn’t being rejected. No, but my writing was. Query letters weren’t answered. Writing contests weren’t won. Publishers said no. Here was the same pattern I had read about for years and years—only now it was happening to me.
During my lengthy path to publication, there were times I set my writing aside. But something kept drawing me back. When I fell off my writer’s horse, I always got right back on. What gave me the strength to continue? Here are the lessons I have learned, shared in the hopes that my experience and pain—yes, it sometimes felt like real pain—can help you avoid some misery and keep you going.
- Enjoy the writing process itself. You will spend countless hours learning your craft, practicing it, editing and re-editing the same parts of your manuscript over and over again. If it is torture and you aren’t enjoying yourself, I doubt if happiness lies in that direction. Maybe you fantasize at landing on the New York Times bestseller list, but that’s like dreaming about becoming the next Angelina Jolie. Odds are that ain’t gonna happen. But if something compels you to write and the hours fly by when you are doing it, then listen to and heed your inner voice.
Back in the day preachers often said they felt “called” to become ministers. Every time I heard that phrase, I wondered what it meant. What did that feel like? Now I believe I know. I wandered around for years in a proverbial career haze, trying to find my true calling. Now that I am writing fiction fulltime, I am blissed out. Despite occasional episodes of self-doubt, I have never been happier.
- Avoid non-supportive people. When you are feeling fragile, when you are nurturing a tender dream, avoid critical people as though they have a cursed communicative disease. Also avoid overly competitive writers and jealous ones.
Budding authors are often advised to join writers’ groups. Make sure to choose a supportive one. I learned this lesson the hard way. If even one group member has an agenda to bring down other writers, to trample on others’ dreams, then you must run from that negative onslaught. Don’t be deluded into thinking you can handle it. You can’t. It will damage your creative processes and make you doubt your abilities. Change groups, fast.
- Listen to other writers’ stories. If they are honest and open about their feelings, you will hear everyone discuss their bouts of despair, nerves, and self-doubt. Soon you will understand this is just part of the process. Accept it. Even authors who garner great success are not immune from these emotions. One of my favorite maxims is this—Misery loves company. That means I am not alone. We all walk this tortuous road. If others can keep going, then so can I.
- Find a mentor. Either in your town or online, make friends with someone who has worked her way toward publication. Learn the ropes from her. If she is supportive and likes to help other writers, then this new friend will keep you going when you feel down. Do not be afraid to share your feelings and ask for help. I repeat: We are all in this together.
- Don’t set a timer. If you look at your calendar today and decide your first book will be published by, say, June 2017, then you may set yourself up for failure. One expert told me the average time a writer takes to publish a first novel is twelve years. Many authors I know took that long, and so did I. Relax into your new writing career. Remember to enjoy the experience.
Of course, you may short-circuit that timeline and decide to self-publish. That is an option many choose today. If you do so, then save up your precious dollars and invest them in professional editing. Your spouse may teach English at a community college, but that does not mean he or she can do an excellent job of editing your work. I have witnessed this example first hand.
- Post the answer to this question beside your writing space. What is the difference between a published writer and an unpublished one? The published author never quit.
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Kay Kendall is a long-time fan of historical novels and now writes atmospheric mysteries that capture the spirit and turbulence of the sixties. A reformed PR executive who won international awards for her projects, Kay lives in Texas with her Canadian husband, three house rabbits, and spaniel Wills. Terribly allergic to her bunnies, she loves them anyway! Her book titles show she’s a Bob Dylan buff too.
Find out more about her latest novel Rainy Day Women HERE
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- How to Handle Rejection | Arun Scribes | January 26, 2016
Your first point is why I keep writing. It’s either that or clean my house on my summers off. 🙂
Spot on, Kay! But spare a thought for late-start older writers who are in a hurry.
Barbara Lorna Hudson, I myself was a late-start older writer who was/is still in a hurry. I am in your shoes! But if you push too hard, you get frustrated and burnt out. That is what was happening to me and I was losing the joy of the whole undertaking. That is why I sat down and wrote out these tips. If I am not enjoying the writing process, then why am I doing it? It is all about balance and not comparing yourself to others. It is a struggle, I grant you that, and how! Keep on writing. Enjoy yourself, and good luck!
BRILLIANT. Loved everything you said. Points 1 and 5 are pure gold! Thank you!
Kay,
Very informative, though I must say it seems many authors are so involved with the publishing/marketing aspects of their work (whether traditionally or self-published) that they don’t seem to have time to devote to helping other writers. I am a traditionally published author and welcome questions on GoodReads. I agree wholeheartedly with the sixth tip. And if one writes because one loves the process, the day will come.
D.B. Woodling, one of my chief joys these days in helping other writers. I just love it. It really does not take up lots of time and keeps adding joy to my writing process. But that’s just me. I am unusually outgoing for an author, and I require lots of human interaction or I get stale. Besides, I love to see other nice people make their writing dreams come true.
Loved “nurturing a tender dream” because that’s exactly what it feels like. When somebody jostles or bumps it, it hurts! Thanks for the encouragement. As someone who has begun to take writing seriously much later in life, it is helpful to know that working hard, and loving it is the joy.
Kay, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. What you’ve written is so true. A writer needs to avoid the naysayers, which can be hard, because writers are fragile at the best of times and easily knocked over.
I’ve had my share of rejections as I started acting at age 40, a time when most are giving up. And invariably, I’ve been rejected countless times – too tall, too old, and just not the right fit for the puzzle the filmmakers are putting together.
Similarly, with writing. Though I’ve had agents before for my screenplays, this time with my debut novel, I decided to self-publish rather than wait for that right fit and did exactly as you’re suggesting. I hired a macro editor (for story), a copy editor ( for grammar, etc.),a book cover designer and a formatter. I didn’t want to take any chances with my first book. I believe in best foot forward.
Now, I must get your book. If you’re like me, you have countless books to read. Many on my bookshelf, untouched, waiting for me. Right now, I’m going through a mammoth book a friend wrote. Best of luck with any future rejections. Like a friend often said in my early days – don’t let the turkeys get you down.
Kay, I think you hit the nail on the head with your comparison of writers seeking acceptance and actors auditioning for roles. I’ve always thought of it the same way–you put your best “performance” forward, and if it’s what the publisher wants, you’re in. If not, you keep “auditioning” for other publishers.
All of your advice is right on target. Thanks for the article!