How to Write About a Marriage Crisis and Keep the Marriage

The Buddha Sat Right Here chronicles the year I tore off my Supermom cape, shuttered the house, and took my husband and young daughters on an eight month odyssey through India and Nepal.

  Why did I do that, you ask?

   I had become too stressed-out by working motherhood to appreciate the precious beauty of my life. I looked in the mirror and saw a woman irritated by and even resentful of people she loved the most. I longed to take a spiritual journey to India- this had always been my dream-  and I did not want to wait until the kids were grown. I wanted to model for my young daughters what it looks like for a woman to follow her dreams.

My husband Adam, a scholar and practitioner of Buddhism who already spent a year in India in his youth, was not hard to convince. So in 2014, we pulled Bella and Sophia, ages 14 and 10, out of school, outfitted ourselves with backpacks, and flew to the other side of the world. From the jungles of Kerala to the Himalayan roof of the world, we criss-crossed India by bus, train, and rickshaw. The entire trip was extraordinary, except for one problem. The irritation and resentment I mentioned above? My husband was the main target of that, and no, the dramatic change in scenery and lifestyle did not make our troubling dynamics magically disappear.

I had not planned to write a book about our journey. But when I returned home, and people asked how the trip was, I joked, “I’ll have to write a book to answer you.” Then it dawned on me that I wanted to write a book, to share what we learned and inspire others to make bold choices in their lives too. Besides, after twenty years working as a midwife, it felt great to finally put my BA in literature to use.

I figured it would be easy to leave out the marriage problems. After all, for the first six months of the trip Adam and I had only one disagreement, well, nasty fight. It was at the end of our trip that our unresolved issues bubbled up and our marriage imploded. I could have easily ended the book before the part where I left him and took my eldest daughter with me on a wild journey along the highest motorable road on earth. No one would have to know that I severed our family in two for a few dramatic weeks in the remote Himalayas, leading to a reckoning, and then ultimately a healing.

I would only write about the first six months of the trip. The book would be a how-to kind of book, and we would be portrayed as this perfect family who did something amazing. I would never want to reveal what had happened between my husband and me. It was too raw, too embarrassing, too hard.

But as my writing unfolded, I found that the issues with my husband, and our difficulties navigating equity within the structure of the modern family, could not be teased out from the rest of the material. They were the grist for my spiritual mill. They were fundamentally woven into my family’s story. When I got to the place in my manuscript where I could either wrap it up and artificially end it, or dive deep into our rocky terrain, Adam cosmically or coincidentally left for a ten-day meditation retreat. His absence for ten days gave me the mental space to write from the deep recesses of my heart, without having to face him each day. My kids were busy in school, and I lived on coffee, bagels, and wine for ten glorious days, in which I wrote the last sixty pages of the book.

When Adam returned, relaxed and serene from his meditation retreat, I disclosed what I had done – put our problems into the book. He was not happy about it. He did not want to be the monster in my book. My stomach churned with anxiety – I now had a book I loved, and a man I loved, and I wanted more than anything to keep both.

“Look”, I said to him. “Now my book gives other people permission to be imperfect, make mistakes, and still do incredible things. It’s a powerful message. See? See?”

He did not see.

Here is what we did.

I made a document with all the difficult scenes between us and had him read it. I was terrified that he would hate it and tell me not to publish, but I had no choice. He had to know what was in there or I risked him feeling betrayed later, when the book was already out in the world. I told him to give me written feedback on each scene. His feedback was fascinating, because his perception of what happened was completely different from mine! As best I could, I integrated his views of these episodes into the narrative, which resulted in a much more balanced rendition of events. I am not a flawless heroine, Adam is not a Bad Guy; we are two people who love each other, and at times have not been very good at it. But we are learning to love better, which certainly comes through in the book.

After several attempts, my pages got into a shape Adam could live with – and which were still authentic and true for me. It took a lot of work, with bouts of uncertainty and churning stomachs, just like our marriage at times. Our story is not over until it’s over, but as of now, our relationship is stronger than ever, and yes, I got to keep the book too.

—

Find out more about Dena on her website http://www.denamoes.com/

 

The Buddha Sat Right Here: A Family Odyssey Through India and Nepal

Dena was a busy midwife trapped on the hamster wheel of working motherhood. Adam was an eccentric Buddhist yogi passing as a hard-working dad. Bella was fourteen and wanted to be normal. Sophia was up for anything that involved skipping school.

Together, they shouldered backpacks, walked away from their California life of all-night births, carpool schedules, and Cal Skate, and criss-crossed India and Nepal for eight months―a journey that led them to His Holiness the Dalai Lama, the tree where the Buddha sat, and the arms of Amma the Divine Mother.

From the banks of the Ganges to the Himalayan roof of the world, this enthralling memoir is an unforgettable odyssey, a moving meditation on modern family life, and a spiritual quest, written with humor and honesty―and filled with love and awe.

“… redefines what memoirs can be. Moes spins a great tale of family, adventure, human connection, and generosity.”—Rita Banerjee, author of Echo in Four Beats and CREDO, and Director, MFA in Writing & Publishing, Vermont College of Fine Arts

“A chatty, animated American family pilgrimage that effectively conveys the author’s inward search for spiritual meaning.”—Kirkus Reviews

“Vacillating between that of a vibrant travelogue, a heartwarming family tale, a spiritual study, and a comedy sketch, Dena Moes’s fine storytelling captures the human character of international travel.”—Foreword Reviews

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips