Hit Hard: One Family’s Journey of Letting Go of What Was–and Learning to Live Well with What Is

by Tammy McLeod

I wrote Hit Hard seven years after my sixteen-year-old son suffered a traumatic brain injury playing football and became severely disabled for life. After a year of trying dozens of interventions, it was clear that Zach wasn’t going to have a full recovery. I started reading grief books, but they didn’t connect with me. My son didn’t die, but he wasn’t the same. 

Meanwhile, the different ways that my husband and children dealt with our loss torqued the relationships within our family. I asked several colleagues and friends for recommendations for books that addressed the type of loss we were experiencing. Finding none, I finally called the librarian at Zach’s rehab hospital to see if he could recommend any books or resources for people dealing with our kind of loss. 

The following day the librarian said that the name of the type of loss we were dealing with was ambiguous loss, and he sent two articles by Pauline Boss. I read them and ordered her book. When it arrived I devoured it; finally I felt understood. 

At that time I was in graduate school working on a degree in spiritual formation. I decided to write a research paper on the topic. As I processed this research with one of my professors, she told me, “There is a book here.” She planted the seed. 

I was compelled by two factors. First, I needed to figure this out for my own sanity and for the survival of our marriage and family. Second, I wanted to write the book that I wish someone could have given to me a year after Zach’s injury—a book that named the type of loss with which I was dealing, that validated my pain, and that helped me better navigate the ambiguity and stresses of this kind of loss. 

The book never would have been written without the enthusiastic support of my professor. She offered to be my supervisor for two self-directed grad school courses. The writing assignment for the first course was the book proposal and the second course the first few chapters of the book. For another class assignment, my husband and I attended a writing conference where we pitched the book. 

Interestingly, the agent who chose to represent us, the contact at the publishing house who bought the book, and the collaborative writer who got our book in its final form, all had their own personal experiences with ambiguous loss. We saw from the beginning how ubiquitous ambiguous loss is. People wanted to see the book become a reality because it addressed one of the greatest felt needs in their own lives—coping with an ambiguous loss. 

Writing the book helped me process the pain of the loss. Through many tears I wrote scene after scene. Writing not only helped me to connect more deeply with my losses, but also helped me to see the good coming out of the tragedy.

Second, writing together helped Pat and I see more clearly why we were having conflict in ambiguous loss, and that led to the resolution of some of the conflict. Consequently, writing the book helped us grow closer in our marriage.

Writing also helped me find my voice in the chaos. We both wrote from our own perspective, and readers enjoyed seeing the ways two people looked at things differently and how our marriage survived.

We also had one of our young-adult sons read the first draft of our book and suggest edits. He encouraged us to be more authentic in our writing, and working together on the book drew us closer to him also. 

When our publisher asked for a second draft with more transparency, it helped us be more honest about our emotions.

Last, writing the book helped me see that God could use the tragedy we went through to help others. Hearing people talk about how the book helped them was encouraging.

I hope:

that people feel validated in their ambiguous loss and are relieved to learn that their loss has a name.

that Hit Hard will stimulate readers to be gentle with themselves and their loved ones as they journey through the world of ambiguous loss.

that it will help repair marriages and other relationships that have been torqued by loss.

that readers are inspired by Zach’s life—one full of joy and still loving God and people though he has suffered much loss.

that readers learn to grieve their losses better.

that readers learn skills that help them become more resilient in ambiguous loss.

that readers come to know God for the first time, come back to God, or stay near God.

that readers find hope.

About the Author:

Tammy McLeod and her husband Pat McLeod coauthored the book Hit Hard: One Family’s Journey of Letting Go of What Was–and Learning to Live Well with What Is in which they share their journey into the world of ambiguous loss that began after their son suffered a traumatic brain injury playing football. Pat and Tammy serve as Harvard Chaplains for Cru, an interdenominational Christian ministry. 

Tammy is also the Director of College Ministry at Park Street Church in Boston. She received her MA in Spiritual Formation from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. For more information, please visit https://patandtammymcleod.com

Hit Hard: One Family’s Journey of Letting Go of What Was–and Learning to Live Well with What Is

Life hit Pat and Tammy McLeod hard when their son Zach collapsed on a high school football field; he had sustained a severe brain injury. Facing the devastating possibility that things would never be the same for their beloved son, they committed to staying strong as a family and finding a way to maintain their footing. But the journey would reshape their faith, their family, and their future in ways they never saw coming.

What would it take for them to navigate the endless fallout of their son’s life-transforming injury? How could they reconcile their grief over the life Zach lost, with gratitude for the life that remained? And how does a couple move forward together in their search for hope, rather than letting indefinable loss drive them apart?

Hit Hard is the true story of the McLeods’ journey through ambiguous loss―both having and not having their son. It’s the story of a family who faced unexpected heartbreak, a story that offers us all glimpses of how we can pick up the pieces, redefine expectations, and trust God for hope in the midst of unresolved pain.

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing