Behind the memoir: A Q&A with Jane Pollak
For nearly six decades, author, artist and entrepreneur Jane Pollak faithfully followed a set of cultural commandments that she believed would guarantee life-long happiness and fulfillment:
Remain a virgin until you meet “the one.” Check.
Marry a nice Jewish boy. Check.
Teach so you have something to fall back on. Check.
Have children. Check.
For decades, life had unfolded according to Pollak’s master plan, until she found herself in a marriage counselor’s office, listening to her husband of 37 years confess his love for another woman.
In her breathtaking memoir debut, Too Much of Not Enough, Pollak chronicles the destruction of the life she thought she wanted, and the birth, at the age of 62 of her authentic and true self.
We’re delighted to feature this interview with her on WWWB!
You’re a proponent of female empowerment. What role did the support of the other women play in your transformational journey?
Jack Canfield, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, says that a surrogate mother is any woman who is nurturing. I desperately sought out and thrived on the nurturing of surrogate mothers along my path. My mother was unable to provide the support I needed and desired, so from the women I met in Lamaze classes, La Leche League, the Community Cooperative Nursery School and my children’s elementary school, I received the love, acceptance, encouragement and respect I needed. I credit them with helping me feel grounded, loved and supported as I struggled through my challenges.
You’re quite frank about what it’s like to endure a sexless marriage. What is dating like in your 70’s?
An awakening! A revelation! Number one, that you’re never too old to experience sexual pleasure and passion. My 6+ year romance after my marriage failed was the most delicious time of my life. Number two, that those old feelings of fear and rejection don’t go away, but that your resilience gene can be strengthened, and you can stay in the game no matter what.
I look forward to finding love and desire anew in this decade.
Describe the emotional journey of writing a memoir that simultaneously liberates you, while, as you put it, “pissing everyone off”?
One writing teacher told us that you’ll know when you’ve hit the mark when your family hates what you’re writing about.
Sharing my stories with unrelated others during the writing process stimulated deep discussions and resonance. I’ve told the truth, my truth, and non-family members strongly identify. I tried to make my family happy during my first 60 years. It’s okay now to focus on my own happiness. I used to think that was selfishness. Now I know it’s self-caring. Long story short, my siblings are not happy, but I am.
You have described yourself as “in a state of constant transformation: mind, body, soul.” What does that look like in everyday practice?
In my youth (under 40) I woke to an alarm clock and the news, immediately went into overdrive—out of fear—and continued that way until my body started signaling me that this was unwise. Minor irritations (reflux, psoriasis, sciatica) became major (slipped disc, rheumatoid arthritis) as I ignored them. Eventually I paid attention to my body’s messages (they got louder) and began seeing a chiropractor, a shiatsu practitioner; attended yoga classes and found the rooms of recovery.
I started meditating twice daily in 1992, began a simple prayer ritual soon after that, and read from spiritual literature every morning. I have no television and listen to the news only when I’m preparing breakfast. I read the Times daily, but other than getting the essence of what’s going on in the world, I scan for what I need to know as a citizen, then read the articles that fill my well.
Not coincidentally, I’m in excellent health with minor health issues which I address holistically.
I go to bed early, love an early bird special and have no access to network TV. Somehow, I don’t think I’m missing a thing.
Contrast your new life in Washington Heights vs. your privileged, suburban, 1950s-era upbringing in Westchester.
Economically, living in the city probably still requires privilege—but the diversity of color, language and character is utterly different. I travel mostly by subway where I am surrounded by laborers, students, musicians, academics and multi-ethnic families. Wall Street brokers don’t live in my neighborhood. In Westchester County—and it was definitely as much the era I grew up in—everyone (woman) my family associated with was coiffed, high-heeled and well educated.
I knew only one divorced woman and she was always referred to as a divorcée. No one in our neighborhood was anything but the “American Dream.” New York City is one of the most diverse places in the world. I feel more at home here than I ever did in White Plains. Never, never thought I was good enough…
How do you define co-dependence, and what is this secret to breaking free?
I love the description I heard early on in recovery—that codependency is using another person to fill a God-sized hole. I kept turning women friends into mothers and caretakers—roles they were already fulfilling in their lives and didn’t need my devotion or neediness. Once I established a spiritual center, the need for ONE person’s time and attention subsided, then disappeared entirely. I know how and where to fill up my own soul and do so on a daily basis.
About the Author
Born in Columbus, Ohio, Pollak inherited the “city gene” from her New York City-native parents. When she was five, they returned the family to Westchester County, where Pollak grew up. She graduated from Mount Holyoke College with a BA in studio art and theatre and an MA in art education from Columbia University Teachers College. Her first book, Decorating Eggs: Exquisite Designs with Wax & Dye, was recently republished by Schiffer Publishing. Her second book, Soul Proprietor: 101 Lessons from a Lifestyle Entrepreneur (Crossing Press, 2001), shares what she learned as a home-based business owner who successfully turned her passion into a thriving company. When Pollak’s marriage ended in 2011, she moved back to Manhattan. She has three grown children and three grandchildren.
Follow her on Twitter https://twitter.com/janepollak
Find out more about her on her website https://janepollak.com/
Pollak spent most of her life “looking for a family.” Raised by an emotionally evasive mother, she grew up believing that love was a reward conferred for achievement, rather than from being seen, heard, and acknowledged for her true self. It followed that she married an extrovert who performed for his students, and yet was unable to connect with his own wife.
In this poignant, instructive memoir, Pollak investigates the roots of misguided love and paints a picture of what it means to live a truly satisfied life. Her tale starts in the couples’ counseling office, where her soon-to-be ex-husband drops the bomb that he’s seeing someone else. From there, Jane goes on to find self-empowerment through her career as an artist, her travels around the world, her journey through twelve-step recovery, and her experiences while dating in her sixties. At last, she forges a blissful life on her own in Manhattan, conducting business and enjoying time with a committed partner.
Inspiring and deeply relatable, Too Much of Not Enough is a primer on how to be the proactive agent of one’s own best path. In the below Q&A, Pollak sheds light on her journey towards self-realization and empowerment
Category: Interviews
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