Dare Boys to Embrace Healthy Masculinity and Help Achieve Real Gender Equity

©Al Torres Photography Inc

By Anna Marie Johnson Teague

Co-author, The Book of Dares

My son was three months old when I first heard my co-author Ted Bunch speaking to a group of 300+ high school boys in New Orleans, LA. We were in a huge gymnasium and the boys were seated in long rows of folding chairs.

Ted started talking about the teachings of the Man Box – how boys are socialized to view manhood, women, and girls. And how part of that socialization creates an environment where sexism and inequality thrive. He also talked about how those rigid notions of manhood – to be tough, aggressive, to always be in control, and to have all the answers – was limiting and often harmful to boys. He told stories, shared his own socialization, and spoke from the heart about his experience as a son and as a father.

Some of the boys in the audience were choking back tears. Some were visibly uncomfortable in their seats. Some were whispering to their friends. Some were making jokes to push back the feelings that were coming up. All of them were reacting. And so was I.

I was envisioning my baby boy at home and thinking about all I hoped for him. That he could be all that he was created to be. That he could love sports and art. That he could be brave and emotional. I wanted to watch him grow up and celebrate ALL of him – not just the parts that society deemed important to his boyhood and ultimately his manhood. Standing just off stage in that gymnasium in the Garden District, I thought to myself, “I’ve got to hang on this.”

I have spent more than a decade working to advance the mission of A Call to Men. First as a consultant, then a board member, and now on staff as chief communications officer and the co-author of The Book of Dares – 100 Ways for Boys to Be Kind, Bold, and Brave. Ted and I are parents and anti-violence educators. We noticed a huge gap in the market for content for boys that encourages their authenticity, helps them develop empathy, educates on healthy relationships, promotes emotional literacy, and supports social-emotional learning. We wrote The Book of Dares to help fill that gap – to do that heavy lifting – while being fun and accessible for boys and parents.

Boys told us they were equally frightened and fascinated by the concept of dares. They said it’s impossible to know the outcome of a dare – and scary to imagine a bad one. With every dare, there’s potential for embarrassment and shame. There’s pressure, not only to go through with the dare, but to accept the challenge in the first place. Both are ways of showing you’re tough or proving your manhood. And yet boys told us that they are fascinated with dare culture and want the respect earned by completing dares. So, we turned the concept on its head, offering 100 positive challenges that all ladder up to promote healthy manhood, authenticity, and gender equity.

We are grateful that the book has been called “a direct answer to parents’ cries for building healthy manhood, respect, and emotional literacy in their sons.” And we know it can do that because it is based on A Call to Men’s tried-and-tested curriculum and is a way of guiding boys and young men to being their most authentic selves. A Call to Men has been doing this work for 20+ years in middle and high schools, colleges and universities, and community-based organizations and Fortune 500 companies. We work from the barbershop to the boardroom – everywhere you find men and boys.

The dares give boys permission to be more than the caricature that society offers up for them. Men and boys are expected to be strong, aggressive, dominating, powerful, and athletic; to be providers, protectors, decision makers, and leaders. Many of these qualities are wonderful, but what happens if a boy falls short of those expectations. They are most often shamed for not being “man enough.” These teachings are reinforced in things we say all the time: that “big boys don’t cry,” that a boy should “man up,” that he is “acting like a girl,” and that he needs to “be a man.” Those messages tell boys it’s not okay – not safe, even – to show emotion or be afraid.

We live in a culture where the Man Box dominates. It polices boys, demanding that they obey its rules and punishing them if they fall short. This socialization leaves boys vulnerable to depression, anxiety, suicide, high-risk behaviors like vaping, alcohol, or drug use, and putting themselves in physical danger, and violence toward themselves and others. The Book of Dares helps boys push back against that socialization.

When we talked to boys about some of the dares in the book – like “Dare to Wear a Female Professional Athletes Jersey” – it wasn’t that they were opposed, it’s that they hadn’t even considered it was an option. They admire powerhouse athletes like Serena Williams, Simone Biles, and Megan Rapinoe, but no male-identified person in their life was wearing their jersey.

When we dared boys to name three emotions that they felt that day, they stared back at us in silence. But with a little encouragement and modeling, they started sharing all kinds of things – from frustration to happiness to fear. It is a powerful conversation starter for dinner table talk.

Our family has been talking about racial justice a lot over the past year. And for parents who might be struggling to talk about privilege with their boys, there is a dare in the book – “Dare to Understand Privilege” – that lays it out in an accessible and unintimidating way. It provides an opportunity to have a positive and empowering conversation with our sons. One where they walk away feeling they are part of the solution.

This is all new territory for our boys – and it is exciting to them. As a mom, it is exciting for me too. I am thrilled to share this tool with parents, teachers, mentors, and so many moms and women who believe in the promise of healthy manhood for the male-identified folks in their lives.

So, we dare you to help make every boy’s lived experience the very best it can be. To help them understand and choose the path of healthy masculinity and ultimately, healthy manhood. To help them be their authentic selves. And to help them create a more just and equitable society.

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Ted Bunch and Anna Marie Johnson Teague are friends, parents, and anti-violence educators. They work for A Call to Men, helping men and boys promote healthy masculinity and prevent violence and discrimination. Ted works with professional athletes, business leaders, activists, and boys just like you. Anna Marie is a storyteller at heart and a devoted boy mom. She is nationally recognized for creating and executing award-winning, multi-platform campaigns to advance critical social issues like improving education and ending violence against women. Ted lives in New York, and Anna Marie lives in Texas.

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