Giving Ourselves Permission to Write

Most women writers I know—published, unpublished, bestsellers and beginners—are wrestling with the problem of balance. How do we find time for our writing when we are also responsible for kids, households, pets, partners, aging parents, social expectations and day jobs? Far too often, by the time we work our way through the To Do list to get to the writing, we’re so tired and depleted that all we want is a nap, a glass of wine, and some mindless television.

Self doubt and guilt and shame gang up on us, with a constant barrage of self talk that runs a bit like this: Who do you think you are, anyway? Charlotte Bronte? It’s not like you’re writing anything important. You’re taking time from your kids and your partner for something nobody will ever want to read. You’re selfish and stupid and…

On and on and on. It’s easy to blame partners, family members, and society in general for not recognizing the importance of our creative time. But the only opinion that really matters is our own. Too many of us drank the Kool-Aid, internalizing a societal belief system that says writing is a luxury we don’t really deserve. So we wait for somebody in authority to give us permission to write, permission that is never going to come until we learn to give it to ourselves.

My first novel was largely written at a desk tucked into a corner of the kids’ play area. It took ten years to write, and it went into a drawer when it was done. I didn’t believe it was good. I didn’t believe I had any real talent. My inner critic told me that I was unfocused, undisciplined and scattered.

My husband was a musician, and I told myself that he was infinitely more talented and deserving than I was. He was driven and disciplined and clearly his music was more important than my writing in terms of space, time, and money.

So I prioritized his creative time over my own.

It took the tragedy of his early death to make it clear to me that nobody was ever going to give me time to write if I didn’t take it for myself.

Grief taught me that the “someday” I was waiting for, in which I was magically going to have all of the time in the world to write, was never going to just show up at my door. It hit me that life is short, that I could die tomorrow and that all of my unwritten stories would be buried with me.

That was the beginning of my journey into understanding that a creative outlet is an integral component of the healthy balance of mind, body, and spirit. Writing is not a luxury. It’s not something writers get do to fill up corners of their lives during random pockets of spare time. It’s a vital need, a commitment, an obligation, even.

Not writing is tempting fate. Suppressing that need to create with words is like storing gunpowder in a too-small closet. Sooner or later it’s going to explode. Neglecting, ignoring, and suppressing our need to write can make us sick – mentally, spiritually, even physically. We are better people when we are writing, and that makes us better parents and partners, as well.

Believing this changes everything. If we can get to the place where we truly believe that our writing matters, that we are meant to write, and that those we love will be better off if we take time to write— then we’ll find a way to fit it in no matter how busy we are.
I’m not saying it will be easy. Far from it. But childcare isn’t easy, either, is it? Neither is a career, or a relationship. All of these things take work and commitment and sometimes sacrifice. It becomes a balancing act, sometimes one that feels like you’re on a tightrope spinning plates with both hands and one foot.

The trick is that writing doesn’t require hours of empty, uninterrupted time. It can happen in the waiting room at the dentist, at the kid’s sports events, during lunch break at work, while the rest of the family is watching TV. All of the mindless activities in a day–driving, showering, vacuuming, folding laundry—are prime time for plotting and mulling over story ideas.

I write in the morning before going off to the day job, not because I’m a morning person, but because if I do the writing first it won’t get shuffled down the To Do list. These early morning sessions are a good faith gesture to my writing of how much I value it, because no sane human is going to drag herself out of bed at 4 am to do something trivial. Setting that alarm reaffirms, every weekday morning, that writing is at the top of my priority list.

The doubts are still there and probably always will be, but I choose, over and over and over again to give myself permission. And that makes all the difference in the world.

—

Kerry Schafer, writing as Kerry Anne King, is the author of the bestselling novel Whisper Me This. All told, she has eight traditionally published novels to her name, plus one indie and three novellas. She is also a creativity coach and speaker who works with writers to help them discover –and trust—their own unique creative process, freeing them from procrastination, avoidance, and other creative blocks so they can get their writing done. You can find her through her coaching website, Swimming North, at her author websites, www.kerryanneking.com and http://www.kerryschafer.com, or send her an email at contact@kerryschafer.com

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About WHISPER ME THIS

Single mother Maisey Addington has always fallen short of her own mother’s expectations—never married, a bit adrift, wasting her high IQ on dead-end jobs. The only thing Maisey’s sure she’s gotten right is her relationship with her twelve-year-old daughter, Elle…until a phone call blows apart the precarious balance of their lives. Maisey’s mother is in a coma, and her aging father faces charges of abuse and neglect.

Back at her childhood home, Maisey must make a heartrending life-or-death decision. Her confused father has destroyed family records, including her mother’s final wishes. Searching for answers, Maisey uncovers one unspeakable secret after another when she stumbles upon a shattering truth: a twin sister named Marley.

Maisey’s obsession with solving the mystery of her sister forces her to examine her darkest memories and triggers a custody battle with Elle’s father. Will Maisey’s love for her daughter be strong enough to break a cycle of abuse and create a new beginning for them all?

 

 

 

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips