How Counselling Helps Me Cope With Feedback
It’s taken me fifteen years to pluck up the courage to seek out a counsellor. My written escapades into fictional worlds could only hold the metaphorical demons at bay for so long.
So here I am, six months into my journey, and I feel like a spinning top laced with hallucinogenic drugs. My brain feels overloaded with these pesky things called ‘feelings’, and I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. A leaf falls from the tree and startles my cat – I cry.
‘It’s a good thing,’ my counsellor tells me. ‘You’re experiencing a feeling, yay.’
Excuse me if I don’t jump up and down on your comfy, well-worn sofa.
I’m convinced there’s a tiny part of me that was okay being emotionally dead from the neck down, and yet I turn up to my sessions week after week.
What on earth does this have to do with writing I hear you ask? Aside from the reams and reams of notes in my journal, which I’m fairly sure will become story fodder shortly, I’m also finding it easier to deal with feedback.
Most of the writers I know read any book reviews that come in with bated breath. Will it be kind? Did they like it? Are they going to rip out my heart and feed it to the crows?
We can’t help but get emotionally invested in the feedback from our readers. A glowing five-star review leaves us euphoric and doing a happy dance around the kitchen table. Constructive criticism has us firing up the laptop to make notes and edit our work in progress to accommodate these new pearls of wisdom. Negativity of any kind pulls the rug out from under us and leads us to contemplate our very existence as a writer.
Before my weekly sofa sessions, I would pour over any negative reviews I’d received trying to convince myself that they didn’t matter. Who was I kidding? Every single one stings, and that’s the same if you’re a debut author or a Sunday Times best seller.
Thanks to the counselling sessions, I’ve managed to trace the reason I seek out the negativity instead of focusing on the positivity. It was quite a relief to finally understand the reason for my meltdowns where I would consider putting down my pen, switching off the laptop, and getting a proper job.
That fear of failure and rejection isn’t a new phenomenon. Every writer on the planet experiences this at some time. These ‘feelings’ are something nearly all of us harbour deep within. Why?
My Turning Point
I recently discovered a stack of brown envelopes containing every school report I’d ever received going back to year 6 (last year of junior school in the UK – age 11). Thinking it would be fun to show my three children what a retro school report looked like I pulled them all out and scanned the handwritten comments.
‘Could do better.’
‘Could do better.’
‘Could do better.’
Guess what? Yes, I cried. For my entire educational childhood I was told I wasn’t good enough. Even my English teacher couldn’t squeeze out a partial compliment, and that was the only subject I ever enjoyed in school.
I took the letters along to show my counsellor, and we picked them apart and diagnosed the meaning that I had taken away from them.
‘Do you have any evidence to prove this is true today?’
I stared at my counsellor as I processed her words and thought about it long and hard.
I then recalled my best selling self-help book, the fourteen novels I’ve completed and submitted to my publisher, oh yes, and the publishing deal I signed. I remembered my trip to California when my young adult novel was a finalist in a YA book of the year awards. The amazing reviews, interviews, and opportunities I’ve had thanks to my writing flooded to the forefront of my mind and I reached for the tissues.
‘Umm, no,’ I squeaked.
I’d marched into my counsellor’s office determined to prove that I was indeed a fraud, but instead, I left feeling accomplished, proud, and oddly light.
When I read a negative remark now, I pass over it and understand that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I also appreciate that their opinion isn’t a personal attack. Don’t get me wrong, a negative remark still stings (I’m not a robot!), but I’m learning to see things at face value without instantly thinking it’s validation that I’m not good enough to be a writer.
Feedback in an important aspect of every writers’ journey, whether that’s from a beta reader, developmental editor, or a fan. Learning how to deal with that feedback is what makes you a better writer.
Not everyone will need the input of a counsellor. However, for me, it allowed me to step into a place of strength and gave me the ability to take all constructive comments or reviews as they were intended and to release any negativity.
When self-doubt knocks at your door, or you receive a rejection, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Think about your accomplishments in life (and not necessarily the writing-related ones), and rejoice, dust yourself down, and start over.
If you feel sad or angry, disappointed or overwhelmed, then celebrate the fact that you’re feeling a feeling – apparently, that’s a good thing!
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Shelley Wilson is a genre straddling author of non-fiction self-help and YA fantasy fiction. She is an award-winning personal development blogger, freelance writer, and associate for a women in business network. Shelley lives in the West Midlands with her three children.
Find out more about her on her website https://shelleywilsonauthor.com/
Follow her on Twitter @ShelleyWilson72
Straight-talking, honest and with touches of humour, Shelley Wilson shares her journey as she sets out to prove that being a 40-something, single mum with back fat and grey hairs isn’t the end of life as we know it.
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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips
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What a lovely post, Shelley, and congratulations on taking the plunge! It’s very scary embarking on a therapeutic journey and so glad it’s working for you – as it definitely did for me.
Thanks, Anne. The therapy has certainly been the most terrifying and brilliant thing I’ve ever done for myself – and just think of all the story ideas!
Go you! My first professional review was a two-star that said “dnf” (did not finish). We have to have nerves of steel and a FU mentality to get through those (at least, that’s what works for me).
Oh, you are so right. I’ve read articles where authors never read reviews – I think there might be something in that approach!