How I Used Hate Mail to Propel My Book Forward by Amanda Ann Greogry, LCPC

How I Used Hate Mail to Propel My Book Forward by Amanda Ann Greogry, LCPC

“Take your psychobabble elsewhere. This is a Christian Nation, and in this country, we forgive.”

“You’re an idiot. The Bible clearly says that EVERYONE needs to forgive. Read Matthew 6:14-15.”

These were a few of the many hate emails I received from readers after I wrote two blogs for Psychology Today titled Why Forgiveness Isn’t Required in Trauma Recovery and 5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn’t Forgive. I was emotionally shaken after receiving these messages and contacted other bloggers for their insight. My colleagues informed me that they, too, have received similar emails whenever they write about topics that challenge conventional ideas. 

“You must be doing something right,” said a blogger who writes about the impact of patriarchy in the US legal system. “Whenever I get a flood of hate mail, I know I struck a chord, and that’s usually the topic I need to keep writing about. Have you considered that maybe you need to keep writing about this?”

That question made me reflect on why I wrote those blogs in the first place. I experienced severe physical and emotional neglect perpetrated by my parents for most of my childhood. My trauma had a significantly negative impact on my adult life, and I participated in intensive treatment for three years. One day, I asked my therapist, “Do I need to forgive my parents to heal from my trauma?” They didn’t know, and I needed an answer.

I asked psychologists, psychiatrists, family, friends, and community members, but there was no consensus. Some people said “no” with confidence, others “yes” with persistence, and many admitted that they had no idea. This inconsistency both intrigued and annoyed me. I couldn’t be the only trauma survivor to ask this question and receive inconsistent answers. To find an answer, I started researching forgiveness in trauma recovery, and I discovered that the answer was, in fact, no. There was no evidence that trauma survivors needed to forgive their offenders to progress in trauma recovery. 

“Did you ever think this might be a book?” my philosopher husband asked when I showed him the angry emails I had received.

“Wouldn’t that just make things worse?” I asked him. “I want survivors to have this information, but it might upset many people, and I’ll get more hate mail.”

“True. But it might make things better,” he responded. “The most influential books are often the most controversial.”

I wasn’t ready to commit to writing a book, so I retreated to my comfort zone: research. I spent the next three years researching forgiveness in trauma recovery from psychology, sociology, philosophy, and religion perspectives. I highlighted books and scientific journal articles stacked in piles on the floor, made notes on index cards that I taped on walls, and interviewed anyone who would speak to me. I had collected enough material (too much) for a book, and it became apparent that I was stalling. 

“At some point, you need to start writing,” my husband gently nudged. “You cannot read everything, know everything, or include everything. At some point, you need to stop researching and start writing.” 

I accepted this challenge and began writing the first draft of my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms. However, writing doesn’t feel like an accurate description of my process. Instead, I created pieces of a large, complex jigsaw puzzle and pieced them together. I took each article, case study, quote, recovery skill, and personal experience and wrote just enough to create a puzzle piece.

When I had all the pieces I needed in front of me, I then figured out where and if they fit. Many pieces did not belong, were repetitive, or didn’t add value and needed to be thrown out. It felt like I had bought a jigsaw puzzle with many pieces that did not fit, and I needed to find them without any instructions and throw them out. I left a cemetery of abandoned quotes and research studies in my wake everywhere I went with crumbled-up papers in coffeehouse trashcans, deleted files on my computer, and crossed-out references on never-ending lists. But, as I put them together, they started to create paragraphs, which created chapters, which, in time, made a book. 

I found my voice as I wrote. I started with the voice of a dry academic until my editor encouraged me to speak directly to my readers, and I embraced a more empathic, compassionate style. After all, I was writing for a general audience of trauma survivors and their clinicians, not an academic audience. As I wrote, I realized that I was writing the book I wished I’d read during my trauma recovery. I needed permission to embrace what helped me recover, not what other people thought would help me or what helped them. I needed validation that I could forgive or not, and I’d be OK. I needed the courage to speak my truth, even if that upset people. 

When You Don’t Need to Forgive was published on February 25th, 2025, I started receiving angry emails again. They were mainly from people who quoted the Bible and did not wish to receive a response as their minds were made up. I received a few messages from racists, antisemites, and misogynists who wanted me to feel fearful and shameful, which I’m glad to say was unsuccessful.

Today, angry emails motivate me to keep writing about controversial topics. Whenever I receive one, the first thought I have is, “You must be doing something right.”

–

Amanda Ann Gregory is a trauma psychotherapist renowned for her work in complex trauma recovery, notably as the author of You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms (Broadleaf Books, 2025). Her writing has been featured in The New York Times, Psychology Today, and Psychotherapy Networker. Visit her website at www.AmandaAnnGregory.com. 

YOU DON’T NEED TO FORGIVE

You Don’t Need to Forgive is an invaluable resource for trauma survivors and their clinicians who feel alienated and even gaslighted by the toxic positivity and moralism that often characterizes attitudes about forgiveness in psychology and self-help. Bringing together research and testimony from psychologists, psychotherapists, criminologists, philosophers, religious leaders, trauma survivors, psychotherapists, and experts in complex trauma recovery, Amanda Ann Gregory explores the benefits of elective forgiveness and the dangers of required forgiveness. Elective forgiveness gives survivors the agency to progress in their recovery on their own terms. Forgiveness is helpful for some, but it is not universally necessary for recovery; each person should have the power to choose.

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing