How Self-Kindness Set My Creativity Free 

How Self-Kindness Set My Creativity Free 

by Martha Engber 

I never knew the crippling burden of being unkind to myself until two years ago when I was 56. 

I’d just completed my forthcoming memoir, Bliss Road, about being the non-autistic daughter of an undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder dad. I’d spent the previous eight years wading through the emotional and journalistic journey into the hidden psychological affects of being reared by a parent with a gravely impaired communication system. I’d experienced multiple difficult epiphanies, including how my dad’s neurological condition skewed my own communication and parenting. 

I thought I was through the worst, but kept struggling with anger and resentment, despite going to therapy. Then I heard a radio interview featuring Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion: The  Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. 

By the end of reading the first chapter, I realized I was not just mean to myself, but really, really mean. 

Whereas I would bend over backward to help friends or clients understand the good within them,  and the power of thinking well of themselves, I’d hammer myself for every mistake or apparent failure. A scheduling mistake. An agent’s rejection of a manuscript. Not accepting an invitation for an event friends later raved about. 

I read the book slowly to fully absorb the concepts and work through the exercises. Yet the tendency toward self-unkindness was so subconscious, instant and ingrained that to change my behavior, I bought index cards and recorded moments I remembered to be kind to myself. 

Slowly I began to understand that when a situation didn’t turn out as planned, I wasn’t actually a  stupid, selfish, disorganized person. Instead, whatever error or oversight occurred did so because of legitimate feelings deep within me. I was afraid or humiliated or I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

The more kindness I showed myself, the more I began to see how the people around me — and especially women — suffered from the same issue of being marvelous to others, yet unkind to themselves. 

As I talk about in my book, there are a myriad of reasons we learn self-unkindness: our culture,  gender, religion, how we were parented, the era and region in which we were reared, and even our birth order. 

Maybe we heard such things as “Quit your crying,” which implies we’re weak without acknowledging our legitimate reason for feeling sad or hurt. And another one, “You only have yourself to blame,” which bypasses the unseen obstacles that hinder our success. 

As we grow up, those instances of shaming get stacked on our psyches one by one until becoming a substantial, soul-draining burden we drag through life. We waste time wondering what we could have done better and lack the confidence to carry out our bold plans. 

Fortunately, by learning and practicing self-kindness we can shed that crushing excess weight.  Doing so gives us more energy to expend on positive projects, our loved ones, and the world around us. 

Once I made self-kindness a habit, I noticed a huge upswing in creativity. I began a complex new writing project. I read and reviewed more books for author friends. I organized more adventures with family and friends. I can do more because I’m wasting less time on negative thoughts. 

So if you’d like to push the boundaries of your creativity and positive life experiences, consider  first assessing how kind you are to yourself and whether you might benefit from learning what  Neff calls “the three elements of self-compassion.” Specifically, when things go wrong, first acknowledge how bummed out you feel. Then appreciate you’re not alone, because everyone makes mistakes. Lastly, think about the legitimate reasons that caused the situation to occur. 

As a final means of encouraging you to treat yourself with more compassion, I’d like to leave  you with an excerpt from BLISS ROAD about how self-kindness has helped me live a more  authentic life:  

“When younger, I would have scoffed at that word, authentic, as so much emotional mumbo jumbo. I now know the term simply means admitting you’re human. I regularly confess my errors to people who then smile and welcome me into the fold. And instead of focusing my attention inward and worrying about who will find out about impostor me, I turn my attention outward, toward what’s happening in others’ lives: vacations, anniversaries, deaths, delicious meals, beloved pets. I delight in catching up with people I’ve known for a long time. When I find myself putting an extra layer of polish on a social media post, I tell myself, Who are you kidding? Fess up, girl! And I pin up my dirty laundry for all to see, the ugliness fading day by  day as the humor grows brighter.”

—

Martha Engber’s memoir, BLISS ROAD, is out now. Martha is the author of the IPPY Gold Medal Winner for YA, WINTER LIGHT, which be available as an audiobook in February 2023. Her historical fiction book, THE FALCON, THE WOLF AND THE HUMMINGBIRD, will be published in October 2023. Martha’s other two books include the novel THE WIND THIEF and GROWING GREAT CHARACTERS, a resource for writers. She encourages readers to connect via her website, MarthaEngber.com.

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BLISS ROAD: A memoir about living a lie and coming to terms with the truth

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips