I’m Not a Feminist, but….
Writer Tracy Kuhn
By writing this I am effectively grabbing my big pink, shiny can-opener (the one made especially for girls) and brandishing it at one of the biggest can of worms there is, so if the F-word offends you, stop reading now.
There’s a feeling that you have to be part of an intellectual elite to talk about feminism. I certainly don’t feel qualified to talk about it, I’m not clever enough, I haven’t read the right books. You have to be shouty and angry and serious and be able to quote Germaine Greer, don’t you? You have to go to meetings where you sit in a circle with other shouty feminists and look at your vagina in a mirror while talking about how much you hate men. ‘I’m not a feminist, but…’ we say, apologetically, with no idea where being a feminist fits in with wanting to look nice and wear make up and maybe make cakes sometimes.
There’s also a feeling that it’s not needed any more. We’ve had a female Prime Minister and you can’t walk through a British town centre on a Saturday night without being mown down by groups of modern, un-shackled women in fairy wings, completely off their tits on jaegerbombs.
But it’s actually very simple. Stripped down to the basic facts it is about being treated equally. It’s not about stereotypes; it’s about being who we want to be, smooth or hirsute, good at baking or not, with or without your husband’s name, a stay at home mum or a full time worker with a nanny, and being accepted for that. By setting limits we risk alienating a lot of women.
Feminists don’t hate men. I don’t hate men, I think they’re great. I know lots of brilliant ones and am married to the most brilliant one of all. Neither gender is better, we’re just different, with different strengths and weaknesses. From an evolutionary point of view we are dealing with a modern world with brains and instincts that were developed millions of years ago. Men can focus intently on one thing at a time, which was great for hunting animals. Women can multitask and spread their attention around, which was great for gathering herbs and plants. Both skills were vital, they complimented each other and for a long time men and women were of equal importance in society, Godesses were as important, if not more so, than Gods. But then we became a monotheistic society and women were seen as inferior.
So here we are today. We haven’t got rid of sexism, we’ve just become immune to it and there are lots of reasons why we should all be feminists, whatever our gender.
There are still men around who think that the reason most well known writers/artists from the last hundred years or so are male is because men are just better at it, completely ignoring the fact that men have had the opportunities and financial freedom to pursue these pastimes that women traditionally haven’t.
A best selling female author writes using her initials and chooses a male pseudonym to publish her new book and we laugh uncomfortably as she is subject to the kind of personal abuse that a man would never be. A female tennis champion apparently only learnt to play tennis to compensate for not being a ‘looker’ with long legs. The very characteristics that make us do what we do well are downgraded and de-valued.
Women are still held responsible for men’s reactions to what they wear. We are bitches and sluts. As a society we are confused, breasts are used to sell everything from cars to mascara. But the same men who leer at our breasts in a low cut top look uncomfortable as we get them out to breastfeed our babies.
We set self imposed rules and criticise each other for not following them, playing right into the hands of the people who accuse us of being too emotional and flaky. There are apparently also ‘good’ feminists and ‘bad’ feminists. Who knew?
Women give up work to look after their babies and they disappear, losing their place in society. They battle against stereotypes and assumptions, they are ‘desperate housewives’ who sit and watch tv all day (sexism, like many prejudices, is bound up in class snobbery too). Men do the same and are more or less sainted on the spot, they are seen as honourable, lowering themselves to do something that is clearly beneath them. They’re a novelty at the toddler group, fussed over by other mums and eyed with distrust by other dads, many of whom are subconsciously thanking their lucky stars for the patriarchal system that ensures their wives are paid less.
Some of these men don’t like their sons playing with pushchairs. You see them pushing their own children in pushchairs with one hand, walking beside it instead of behind as if to remind you how manly they are. ‘Need two hands to push a pram? Not me, I need one hand free to wrestle bears and shit.’ Women don’t freak out when their daughters become obsessed with trains. Why is it more socially acceptable for girls to display a masculine side than for the other way round?
We gamely complain about page 3 girls because we feel like we should, while ignoring the most disturbing aspect; the ‘hilarious’ commentary alongside the picture where the girls allegedly quote people like Ghandi. The joke being that an attractive woman would never be able to think of something intelligent to say on her own.
I’ve only just scratched the surface here and I haven’t even touched on some of the more serious issues like female genital mutilation, rape within marriage, the unfairness of girls being lectured on how not to get raped more than boys are being lectured on how not to rape. I also know that modern men have to deal with misconceptions and prejudice too, they’re just different ones. But my point is that you don’t need a degree in Women’s Studies to be able to have an opinion on feminism and neither do you need to throw yourself under the nearest horse.
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Tracy Kuhn is a freelance linguist and writer who lives in York, England, with her husband and two daughters. She has had several short stories published in a variety of magazines, and has a flash fiction story in an anthology: ‘100 RPM – One Hundred Stories Inspired By Music’. She has always written in a variety of genres and is currently working on a YA novel. You can follow Tracy on twitter @Tracy_Kuhn or visit her blog volvodiaries.
Category: British Women Writers, Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing, Women Writers
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Thought provoking, Tracy! While watching a film with my husband recently, I was moved to ask him a question during a tense scene. A woman was walking with a man a relatively new acquaintance,in a dark, mostly empty parking garage. I paused the film and asked my husband what he was thinking would happen. He said that the man might make a pass at her as they got on the elevator. I intuitively felt that the woman was in danger and I was right. Along with all the areas you mention, women are physically vulnerable and it’s a frequency we vibrate along whether conscious of it or not. And, ewwww to looking at anyone’s vagina with a mirror! Great image!
Thankyou so much. Ironic but recently I was kicked out of a writing group on fb for using the F word.
I am a feminist! I’ve been impacted by feminism since, as a young mother with children, I read Betty Friedan. She was writing about ME. My background had trained me to be submissive, to take abuse as the course of things. AND I realized that I am strong, talented, female, deserving of respect and certainly equal pay for equal work. I had to pull away from people who told me who I should be. Then I discovered through challenges and joys, sweat and tears, that I am myself, a good person. I am reflective leaning, compassionate, justice-oriented, with a voice worth listening to, with words put on paper which others find helpful. When I hear young women say there’s nothing left to fight for I think: a. what if they were put back into the role of a woman in the 1950s or so, like my Mom? b. what about all the women who are still victimized by patriarchy, by “domestic” violence? c. we need to remember that individually we can only do so much AND with community, we can do just about anything worthwhile. I am a feminist, and never plan to retire.
You did such a beautiful job with this article! I wish I wrote it. I am an F word, unapologetically a feminist. I love my husband, brother, father, and son. That has no bearing on expecting equal opportunity or treatment as a woman which I do, for myself, my sisters, strangers, and daughters. No logical argument has ever been presented to me that persuades me otherwise. It is as simple as that, as you said. The young singer, Lorde, has a wonderful quote about it. I yearn for the time when this word does not put people off. When all people are f-words. When I can put it in my twitter profile without distracting potential followers from what I do or who I am. I’m just like everyone. I am smart, hardworking, and I want a fair shot. Who doesn’t? Thank you for you words,Tracy.
~MM
Thanks for keeping the dialogue going! I write a lot about this, both directly and indirectly in my memoir. Even in this day and age, talking/ writing about women’s issues makes folks uncomfortable…which of course means we’re obligated to keep talking about it. 🙂 I am a feminist and couldn’t be more proud. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I realised one day that the amount of times I had said “I’m not a feminist but…” meant I was one since I was then talking about a feminist issue. this quiz pretty much settles it for anyone in any doubt http://weekwoman.wordpress.com/2013/01/10/feminist-check-list-what-do-you-believe/
Thank you for exploring this topic, especially timely for me as I try to re-start my career out of the house after being a stay-at-home, trailing spouse Mom for over 17 years now. After doing jobs that allowed me to work from home in a challenging job market, my role as a woman is being reinvented daily. I don’t hate men, either, and thought I was married to the most brilliant man (I was wrong) in the world until I read that you were! Maybe there’s another one out there? I have hope!
My thoughts now – maybe feminism gets a bad rap because it has been seen for so long as anti-man instead of pro-woman…and I’m ok with reinventing myself as a bear wrestler _and_ pink loving human! Thanks for the insight!
Great article, Tracy! I am at a loss why “feminism” had gotten such a bad rap in later years and I consistently see young girls bowing down to pressure from society to be less than they want to be. I’m 52, so to me being a feminist is a proud thing that I don’t apologize for but I don’t see that younger women are understanding the problem until it’s too late for them and they’ve already backed themselves into some corner or another. To me, being a feminist has always been about having a choice and not being forced into any preconceived mold. I have a great husband and a great life as a result of my early understanding of feminism’s tenets.
Read the post thinking Oh-My-God-This-Is-Me! and loved it totally. Brilliant work, keep writing!
Yes…Yes…YES!
(fabulous article)
Brilliant article, Tracy, neatly put. It’s chipping away at everyday sexism by all of us that’s important. Like you, I’d like an equal society, not a feminist Utopia per se.
I recently spoke on a panel on the Geek Feminism track at the 2013 Nine Worlds Geekfest a conference about every aspect of sci-fi and fantasy. One agent attending a talk on Gender and Sexuality in SFF was shocked by how much chauvinism there was in fantasy submissions she received from male writers. We have a fair way to go!
By the way, I was the ‘grubby’ commercial author on the panel, speaking very much in the way you have written your article. 😉
Someone said something recently that really resonated:
“Each feminist speaks only for themselves this is a truth rarely acknowledged.”
I’m always stunned by women who tell me they aren’t feminists, because they have fundamentally misunderstood what it means to be one. What makes me sad is that, more often than not, refuse to listen to reason about it all, let alone change their minds. Feminism should be law, not just belief. It should be implemented rigorously at every stage of the curriculum.
But, of course, I recognise that not every feminist would think the same 🙂 Thank you for this thoughtful post.
Thanks for reading. I think we need to focus on feminism as a whole and not get caught up in the finer details. I mainly think we need to talk about it as that’s the only way we can find out how we really feel, to bounce ideas off each other and not to feel judged.
Men have said to me ‘Oh, you’re not one of those feminists are you?’ the understanding being that it’s almost a joke, an insult and this is why we haven’t moved on.
And yes, it needs to be talked about in schools, I talk to my daughters but a lot of women don’t even know how they feel, certainly not enough to say it out loud. I worry about what this means for my girls when they become adults.
Thank you for this article. “The problem that has no name” has been named but it is still a problem. By identifying & talking about gender expectations & stereotypes we can hopefully move towards greater (and eventually true) equality. Pieces like this start discussions & exemplify that we don’t have to be able to quote Germaine Greer to discuss societal inconsistencies. We can just straight up point out the bullshit & say something stinks. Thank you again for adding your voice and inspiring others to do so as well. I am tweeting out this article for my followers this morning. I would also like to put in my vote that the “wrestle bears and shit” line is the best thing I have heard in a while.
Thank you! 🙂
It is something that just isn’t talked about, women feel embarrassed about it, they feel that they will be judged. We need to talk about it, whatever our personal situations.
“I need one hand free to wrestle bears and shit.” Priceless. I loved your article. I am a feminist but also an individualist. I want my son to be able to grow up being able to express his feelings and choose the career he wants even if it’s not an alpha dog career, just as much as I want my daughter to be free to be the person she wants to be without being hassled. I also need one hand free to wrestle bears and shit. xx
That extra hand is really important though 🙂
I’ve got two daughters and worry about the kind of world they’ll grow up in. Before I had them I imagined my children might have different experiences to me, now I’m not so sure.
Thanks for reading.
Great article. I’m sending it to my 21 year-old daughter. Thank you!
You’re welcome, thank you for reading. I think all young women need to know that there aren’t actually any rules.
Brilliant piece.
Thank you 🙂
This is great! Really hits so Perfrectly on many great points! and so if you are only scratching the surface the hope arises that you will write more on this!
Thank you.
There’s plenty more to say, it took me over a week to cut it down 🙂
Brilliant piece, Tracy. I 100% agree with you. I chose to give up work to be a full time mum but I didn’t feel any less of a feminist in doing so.
Thanks for bringing this to the attention of others too x
Thanks for reading, Nettie. I know lots of very strong women who all fit into different groups but who are all feminists.
Hi Tracy – really enjoyed reading your post here because I’m the same sort of feminist. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and saying those words ‘I’m not a feminist but..’ when actually I am a feminist, I believe in womens’ rights to be who they want to be – whatever that is and I’ve brought my daughter up to know that for her there is no glass ceiling and that she can do whatever she wants to do with her life – as long as its good for her and is what makes her a balanced, happy woman.
Yes, I felt that too when saying those words, almost as if I was being disloyal. I think the best we can do is teach our children that it is fine to be who they want to be.
Thank you.
Great piece, Tracy. Thanks so much!
You’re welcome, Sylvia, thanks for reading.