Interview with Kathy Pooler

Kathy Pooler’s compelling new memoir Just the Way He Walked: A Mother’s Story of Healing and Hope profiles two addicts: her son Brian and herself. She thinks she can “fix” her son with love, money and support. She doesn’t realize how she enables him to drink more. Days and nights go by and she has no idea where he is. She can’t help but worry that Brian will turn out like his father, also alcohol addict. 

Ultimately, she realizes she has no choice but let go as his alcoholic enabler. Letting go serves her when she discovers she is diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and she enters a journey of healing and inner transformation. 

Through a riveting narrative arc, Pooler gives voice to a mother’s journey of codependency. The harrowing experience of living alongside a beloved, addicted child and her message of emotional resilience, love and faith are deeply compelling. 

First, when did you come up with the idea for your memoir? How did the story develop?

I started journaling as a way to make sense of my feelings. As I wrote, the story took on a life of its own. I really didn’t know what my story was at the time but was compelled to keep writing. 

We’re talking about starting to write your memoir in 1999. Wow! Like what persistence! You instill hope in many aspiring memoirists. Given there weren’t a plethora of Facebook groups when you first started writing, how did you find guidance and support especially with combatting the loneliness? 

It started as a seed of fear and doubt about myself as a mother and I kept writing my way to discover its meaning. I didn’t know about writing for a larger audience. My need to keep writing was so great that I started with some writing courses. The more I learned, the more I needed to know.

The stories I submitted addressed my underlying desire to make sense of the challenges with my teenaged son. As a result, I submitted one story to Writer’s Digest Writing Competition and was awarded an honorable mention in the memoir and spirituality category. That motivated to keep learning.

I attended a Writer’s Digest Intensive Weekend and met other beginning writers who were getting started. I took online memoir writing courses with Linda Joy Myers of The National Association of Memoir Writers (NAMW) for three years. I attended annual writing conferences and joined a local critique group. Writing was a new career for me, and I often felt like I was in grad school.

You equate writing this memoir as a love letter to your children. I love this association by the way. What advice would you give authors and aspiring memoirists who are writing about a painful and difficult topic like addiction and don’t feel particularly loving towards a family member? How does one change a writer’s mindset and is there such a thing? 

Despite my despair I knew never to give up hope that my son would recover. I wanted to share that hope with others because it was so powerful. I had so much to learn about writing, addiction, and maintaining hope. I also knew that in order to connect with a prospective reader, I had to bring my own vulnerabilities to the page. When I was in the throes of my son’s active drinking, I often felt lonely and isolated, filled with guilt and shame that somehow my son’s behavior was a direct result of my ineffective parenting.

How did you balance the hats as the author, subject, researcher, storyteller, narrator and audience especially given the fact that you’re writing about your addicted son a well as yourself?

I gave myself permission to take the time I needed to find clarity around addiction and myself. Focusing on my story was the only truth I could write about. Automatically however, the digging would resurrect painful memories of my son’s behavior complicating the writing process. A mother’s instinct is to protect her child from harm, not expose her child’s vulnerabilities to the world. 

I honestly did not know until a few months before publication if I would be able to publish this memoir. I like to sleep at night, and I had to be able to live with myself. I began sharing my vignettes with Brian. I wanted him to align with my story’s main purpose—share hope in recovery. I knew it would take lots of time and patience as he found his way to sobriety.

The layers of emotions left me no option but keep writing and talking and praying that somehow we could and would release this book to the world. As time went on, it became clearer that his degree of acceptance was directly related to his progress in recovery.

Being that one of the reader’s expectations for a memoir is to be engaged and satisfied, tell us how you were able to create a sympathetic character both of yourself and your son given painful memories.

I kept asking myself, why do you want to write this story? I had to dig my big WHY if I wanted to see this writing project to the end. for making this daunting commitment and stay its course. As painful as it often was, I had to confront difficult memories if I wanted to understand them and  myself. If I cried or stayed up at night thinking about a particular event, that was a sign of further exploration. I had no choice but write my way through the pain.

Given that this memoir took 20 years to write, how did you manage to stay motivated and focused? What kept you going? 

I took it all in what I call “manageable doses”—writing as deeply as I could for as long as I could but backing off to take a breath and do what I needed to do to work through the feelings. Sometimes that meant stepping aside and putting the manuscript away until I felt ready to revisit it. Self-care, journaling, prayer, taking a walk, all factored into my plan. I also gave Brian the time and space he needed to do the same.

An emotionally involved reader will keep reading. How did you create scenes that heighten the emotional impact of your story? 

I had to tap into the emotion, sit still with it and allow myself to reexperience powerful feelings and memories. There were plenty of times when I knew I felt too vulnerable to keep digging and simply backed off.

Given the powerful yet painful nature of your subject matter, how did you get the distance or outside guidance to find it and fully explore it?

I nurtured myself with Alanon meetings and the service of a counselor.  I had to live the story as it unfolded.

In terms of craft, how did you create a sense of drama and conflict given the everyday emotional stress over whether your son will survive which as you know, is a drama within itself? How did you build drama and conflict in a way that came across as purposeful? 

This is such an important question. I had to be honest that the scene I was creating fit into my purpose for telling my story. A lot of this self-awareness came from the editing process.

What were some of the emotional challenges you underwent writing this book? How did you deal with them?

I didn’t know where the story would lead. Could I still keep writing even if the memoir did not have a good outcome?

What do you see as part of the marketing challenges in terms of spreading your memoir’s message? What are your next steps?

Since I am very clear on my purpose for writing this story, I want to give this labor of love every chance to find its way to those who need it the most. 

To that end, I have hired a freelance publicist who has generated multiple online opportunities to connect me to outlets that address the needs of families with addicted children. I am currently undergoing some health challenges that prohibit me from traveling or doing in-person book tours. I will do whatever I can to get my message to others. Brian and I laugh as I visualize the two of us being interviewed about our story on a national program. “This is our story, B. People need to hear that recovery from alcohol addiction is possible.”

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About the author

A retired family nurse practitioner, Kathy Pooler began writing at the age of eight when she crafted plays to act out in front of her maternal grandmother, Nan, and her Italian lady friends. Memoir writing helped her transcend two abusive marriages and divorces, single parenting, a substance-addicted son,  cancer, heart and kidney failure to find a life of peace and joy. She blogs weekly at Memoir Writer’s Journey. 

About the interviewer

Dorit Sasson is a search engine optimization (SEO) consultant/writer and freelance public relations specialist. She supports authorpreneurs, small business, non-profits and companies with PR, SEO and content writing support. She is also the award-winning author of Accidental Soldier: A Memoir of Service and Sacrifice in the Israel Defense Forces and the upcoming memoir Sand and Steel: A Memoir of Longing and Finding Home. Learn more about her services and books at DoritSasson.com and LinkedIn. 

About Just the Way He Walked

Just the Way He Walked: A Mother’s Story of Healing and Hope is a story of how one woman’s simultaneous battles of Stage Four Non–Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and her young adult son’s addiction to alcohol and drugs test her resolve to never, ever give up hope.

Written for parents, particularly mothers, of children who are addicted, this is a story of love, faith, hope, and breaking the cycle of addiction. Family relationships, father-son, mother-son, single parenting, the impact of addiction on families, and the need for education in breaking the cycle of addiction are all explored. The message of resilience and faith in the face of insurmountable odds serves as a testament of what is possible when one dares to hope.

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