‘Journey of the Self’ by Ruth Poniarski
‘Journey of the Self’
by
Ruth Poniarski
Originally, I wrote “Journey of the Self” as an autobiography, 420 pages. Then, an editor informed me that it was too long for an author who is not well-known and too drawn out. So, I condensed it to half the size, and I wrote about a specific time in my life, a decade, 1977 – 1987 of spellbinding, death-defying nervous breakdowns, culminating in a devasting accident. I fell 30 feet from my apartment window, having not slept for 7 days while participating in a confrontational psychological workshop, similar to the Erhard Seminar Training in the 1970’s. Twelve hours of surgery to mend my broken back and ankles, 2 months in the hospital, and 5 months in a wheelchair not knowing if I would ever walk again.
I lived to tell my story, which addresses many life issues: the Me-Too movement, rejection, discrimination, feminism, suicidal ideation, toxic relationships, while employing steadfast determination to succeed.
When I began writing the first page, I thought to myself, “I can’t do this” looking at the long road before me and writing from memory was a daunting task. I had to develop a process and be disciplined in writing every day, no matter what!
I searched my mind and recorded each event of memory, piecing together experiences, forming chapters. As I wrote I discovered a pattern of my undoing I developed over time.
My breakdowns occurred every six months to a year, commencing in 1977; after ingesting a brownie cake laced with angel dust, PCP, at a college party, given to me by a manipulative male friend who schemed to be intimate with me. Instead, I hallucinated, and my mind was spinning. I rested for an hour, then I got in my car and drove to the New York State Thruway, frantically paranoid, imagining there was a bloody revolution between the socialists and capitalists, and my people were leaving the earth in spaceships. I abandoned my car and walked 12 miles south on the shoulder of the highway, searching for launching pads. When dawn came, I hitched a ride back to my apartment in a college town.
I had to abort the Fall Semester of an architecture program and left with my father destined to my first session with a psychiatrist, who proved to be ineffective and negligent in my treatment.
Imagine a creative visionary like Albert Einstein consuming angel dust and how a sane existence could unravel and disengage from reality. Following that ill-fated night in 1977, my life took a turn for the worse. I recorded each outstanding event which consisted of standing in Jamaica Bay, Queens, N.Y. in the dead of winter, my bare feet immersed in snow, from midnight until dawn, wandering in the streets of Athens, Greece, having not slept for 7 days, from midnight until dawn, and more….. I built my memory around these pivotal episodes, interjecting childhood and adolescent experiences that also afflicted my injured psyche.
I led a double life, keeping my mental disorder a secret, a condition I was ashamed of which caused an isolated existence despite having friends and boyfriends.
Writing my story exonerated me from feeling ashamed as I exceled in putting together my reality which could help others who are suffering, feeling isolated and alone amid a complex world.
A vital outcome from writing my story was that I was able to look at myself from a distance and realize patterns of my ‘undoing’; and prepare for the onset of a psychotic episode. I never gave up on my struggle to achieve normalcy.
It took 7 years to find the right psychiatrist, 20 years to discover the correct, effective medication. After each episode which lasted 3 weeks, I would return to my friends, education, jobs and traveling, and go forward with fierce determination like the racehorse, Seabiscuit, and unlikely champion and a symbol of hope to many Americans during the great depression.
For more about Ruth Poniarski, go to: www.ruthponiarski.com
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JOURNEY OF THE SELF
Ruth Poniarski set out to find the ideal friend and the perfect mate, but what she encountered were spells of paranoia, extreme anxiety, and hallucinations. Trying to navigate her cyclic malady, she undertook a rigorous architectural program in search of her passion. What she discovered on her journey is captured brilliantly in this unflinchingly honest memoir.
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Category: On Writing
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