LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF: Francesca Miracola

From being constantly gaslit to learning about denial of self, to understanding her personal trauma, Francesca Miracola’s debut memoir, I Got it From Here (She Writes Press, Apr 25, 2023), is an exploration of one woman’s journey to shed off the past mistakes and find healing from the years of domestic violence, generational trauma, and denial of self. In hopes of inspiring others, Francesca’s message of resilience will hopefully resonate in the lives of others who may be struggling with trauma, divorce, and familial hardships that haunt us.

Sharing the generational trauma inherited from her Italian American family, the physical, mental, and emotional violence of her ex, and the grueling battle for custody over their two children, Francesca’s story chronicles her personal history of abuse and how despite the frustration and heartache, she is able to come to terms with her past, heal her wounds, and look forward to a future where she is her own protagonist.

Letter to my younger self, by Francesca Miracola

Sometime at around the age of fifty I had a vision of a little girl in a white dress and Mary Janes sitting on the ground next to a hopscotch board leisurely waiting for someone to play with her. Time stood still when I realized the little girl was young me. Had she waited for me all these years? I wanted to run towards her, but I feared I would scare her and she would run away. I remained frozen in my tracks and silently pleaded with her, please don’t vanish; please let me cup the sides of your face and explain.

Dear Frannie,

All those years ago I was afraid that if I played with you something about you would have made my mom sad, or angry, or both. I needed to be who and how she needed me to be, so I’d be safe from harsh criticism. I was afraid if I disappointed her, I’d be discarded. Besides, I didn’t have the time to play. I was too busy paying attention to her moods and keeping her safe from perceived threats. I needed to hear her laugh, not feel her wrath. I hope you can understand I had to ignore you to survive. 

Please don’t get the wrong idea about my mom. She wanted me to be happy, her relentless judgement came from her own fears and insecurities. She had so much love in her, but it was choked back by her pain. I cringe remembering what a fool she made of herself trying to get love, respect, and a sense of worth from my emotionally abusive dad. Yes, I watched that part too; I absorbed it.

By the time I reached an age when I could venture out in the world, I was desperate for love, acceptance, approval. My go to strategy was people-pleasing. My mind raced in every situation – Do they like me? How can I get them to like me? The more external approval I received the safer I felt, if only for a moment, before the anxiety crept in. Will they figure out I’m not that great and leave me? Will it all come crashing down on me? I tried to appear perfect to compensate for the shame I felt for knowing that I wasn’t. I was so consumed with what everyone else thought of me I wasn’t even thinking about the person who mattered most – you.

Resentment bubbled inside me for years until I exploded with the anger; I’m embarrassed to admit it was more like rage. I blamed everyone and everything for my unhappiness but lashing out didn’t offer me relief; what was really eating away at me was the guilt I felt for abandoning you. I’ve been longing to reconnect with you but I’m too ashamed to try and pick up where we left off. 

Can you ever forgive me?

Love, 

Francesca

In my vision young me is unblemished and pure while adult me is weary and battered. Young me radiates innocence and love, with a hint of confusion about why adult me made it all so difficult. Young me has more wisdom than adult me. She’s forgiving but in a way that forgiveness isn’t even needed, as if nothing ever happened, as if no time has passed. She looks up at me and asks the only thing that matters, do you want to play hopscotch?

Yes, Frannie. I’m ready to play now.

—

Francesca Miracola is the author of I Got It from Here: A Memoir of Awakening to the Power Within, She Writes Press, April 2023. Francesca is a Life Coach, and her practice is based on the principles of A Course in Miracles. She founded Protagonist Within, LLC because she believes in order to be the protagonist of your own story you must look within to heal. She is a wife, a best friend, and above all, a mother. You can find Francesca here Francesca Miracola 

I GOT IT FROM HERE: A MEMOIR OF AWAKENING TO THE POWER WITHIN

Growing up in an Italian American family in Queens, New York, in the ’70s, Francesca Miracola was trained from an early age to keep up appearances at all costs—but behind closed doors, her parents’ toxic marriage served as a blueprint for dysfunction. So when she met Jason Axcel at a bar as a twentysomething, she ignored all the red flags—and there were plenty of them—and dove right in, normalizing his emotional and physical abuse just like she’d learned to do. She even married and had two children with him. But something in her clicked one night when Jason strolled out the door after a vicious fight that left her degraded on the floor, and she decided she was done.

Except Jason wouldn’t let her go.

Even after they finally divorced and Francesca fell in love with someone else, her ex-husband was keen enough to recognize that she was the same broken girl he’d met a decade earlier, and he exploited that fact at every turn. He called the cops to her home with bogus claims; he bombarded her with provoking emails and texts; he stalked her every move; and, worst of all, he used their little boys as pawns in his campaign. Then he went for the jugular and sued her for custody. But Francesca was stronger than he’d given her credit for.

Raw and illuminating, I Got It from Here is one woman’s story of saving herself and her children from the grips of a sociopath posing as a family man—and from the inherited trauma passed down by her own family of birth—while learning to trust in the inner voice that’s been trying to guide her all along.

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