Love and Loss By Habiba Zaman
Love and loss are our greatest teachers in life. We learn what it means to care and act on that love as well as learning the extent to which we have cared by the intensity of the grief when the object of that love is lost. From childhood, we cling to comfort, shared experience, laughter, and signs that we matter to the people around us. We go through life searching, yearning, hoping, or even praying to find love.
Someone to connect with, to be accepted by someone who sees through us to the core of who we are, who will accept us unabashedly whether through family, friendship, camaraderie at work, or romantically. It is because of this understanding of love that we are hit so hard with the significance of loss.
When faced with a situation of loss, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability.
We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart and using defense mechanisms to find that power again of that which was taken from us. Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy. Loss is a spectrum of uncertainty, betrayal and riddled with fear in our sense of self, relationships, expectations, ideals, or images of what was or what could have been.
Love and loss are the essence of what makes us human.
My writing almost always include vignettes that are a raw, exposed, and vulnerable window into the human condition and more specifically a window into my soul. How could I possibly hope or expect my readers to be able to face their truths in this way if I were unwilling to do so myself? Feeling vulnerable is an understatement. In the editing process, the team and I would read them aloud to each other and visibly squirm and cringe at how emotionally charged and raw they were. There were no pretenses or guards present in those writings though I have spent a lifetime sheltering my heart from the world.
The early process of becoming an author has not been simple, enjoyable, or forthcoming. The development of my writing style and creating a number of these psychological techniques also pushed me to change and grow through these steps in a similar way to how the readers would also be experiencing it. I started the journey unsure of everything that was not my knowledge base- psychology and explaining the human condition was not an issue- it was believing in my voice and the story I had to share, my confidence in teaching in a way that readers would find value and worth in what they are investing their time in.
Themes of love and loss are woven through each chapter representing the tattered pieces of tapestry reflecting my narrative up to that point. Who I was when starting my first book was not the woman I had become by the end of it.
My first and perhaps greatest hurdle, that I am sure many women and authors would be able to identify with, was fear. I struggled with feeling like an impostor and that failure would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect because what I wished to share would not be received as valuable.
Of course, I could run and forfeit my passion of bringing this message to the world and that in itself would have been a great loss to me. It would mean sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me and in return confirming that I am the fraud since I am not living the life I am teaching my clients and children to own.
This failure would confirm that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find within myself, is ultimately a mirage. I was trapped in my fear no matter which path I took, and both would be perceived as a failure- failure to complete the path, or failure to be successful in this path as an author.
What to do?!
I did as I usually do when I feel cornered… I threw my hands in the air in exasperation and told myself fu*k it! If I’m going to fail either way, I may as well go out fighting for what I believe in. My passion has been and probably will always be, to bring healing, acceptance, and empowerment to those around me. And so, the transformation to becoming a writer began.
As much as all the books I’ve written in have a specific history and significance in my life and where I was at that point in time, Beautifully Bare, Undeniably You will always be my first love. This book and experience in writing it with Shalon Irving, represents so much more than simply sharing knowledge. It is a physical representation of what it takes and what it took to recognize a need to make a change in one’s current existence, to the person and life we are wanting to create. It is similar to the phoenix rising from the ashes where the uncertainty, doubt, and fear can seem excruciating and yet, once the process is complete, the core of who you are can never be shaken again.
We did not just write the book, we lived it, worked tirelessly through it, cried for it and our hearts bled for it. Shalon passed away 3 weeks after the completion of our manuscript and was not able to see it come to its fruition. This book for me, will always be associated with not just the fun, challenging and intimate process we went through but all the love, faith, and belief she had for me as a person.
My journey from a writer to an author began when I came to understand that accepting and owning my experiences would allow me to help others heal and grow through their own experiences and that would not happen if I did not get this book out there. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces of love and loss, I found that we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.
Not all of the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all of the experiences will be heartbreaking. My writing is a mirror to the belief that as we become more aware of their fears, perception, desires, and strengths, we can make successful life changes. This process taught me that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience. I had to accept and enjoy each day from a moment-to-moment basis.
By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, I was then able to see the full range of love and loss in the reel of pictures developing from the negatives. In this focus of even the smallest of moments, I could then start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys I could find. I found it is learning to love every new transformation in my becoming that makes existing beautiful.
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Habiba Jessica Zaman has over 15 years of experience working in the counseling field, including, advocacy, guidance and education. She believes that as a person becomes more aware of their fears, perception, desires and strengths, they can make successful life changes. She is author of 13 publications and 7 books, including the new release, Beautifully Bare, Undeniably You.
Website: https://www.habibazaman.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/
Book: Beautifully Bare, Undeniably You: https://www.amazon.com/
Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips
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