On Writing THE MARRIED WIDOW: MY JOURNEY WITH BOB ZAPPA

On December 8, 2018 my dear husband, Bob Zappa, passed away from hereditary amyloidosis. Although he had been sick for several years,  his death was still sudden and unexpected. Bob and I had only been married for 3 years. He was 75 when he passed away. I was 71 when I became a widow.

After the tears and numbness subsided, I started to write about our relationship and how it evolved through the years. I wanted to preserve my memories before they inevitably began to fade and to share our story with my daughter and a few close friends. Although I hadn’t intended to publish my writings, a publisher was interested in producing my memoir, The Married Widow: My Journey with Bob Zappa. It was published in 2021 by Bold Story Press. 

Bob and I met in 1986. In 1985 my college textbook, Psychology, was published by McGraw-Hill. Since it was their biggest seller in 1985, I was invited to celebrate its success at the annual sales meeting in Princeton, NJ in January, 1986.

At that time I was a Professor of Child and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. Since the meeting was in Princeton I flew from Madison to Newark Airport. Bob, who was the marketing manager for my textbook, was assigned the task of collecting me at the airport and driving me to Princeton, about an hour away. We spoke easily together about my book, McGraw-Hill, and about his older brother, composer Frank Zappa. And, during the two day sales meeting, we had several dinners together. In talking about that meeting later we realized it was then that we fell in love. 

Bob and I kept in touch periodically through the years. We both had felt a strong connection but there was little we could do to act on it. Sadly, we lost contact in 2006. But then one day in August, 2013 a plain white envelope arrived. My name was typed but there was no forwarding address. I figure it was just another piece of junk mail and almost discarded it. But I opened it and was surprised it was from Bob. He told me his wife had passed away earlier that year and that he hadn’t forgotten me. It had been 7 years since I had heard from him. Since I had been divorced for 14 years, we were finally both free to see each other.

So in October, 2013 we decided to get together. The familiar feelings of love and connection were still there. The next time we saw each other, later that month, Bob got down on one knee and proposed.

Our wedding was a lavish affair on a Saturday night at the Hotel Plaza Athenée in New York City. Guests flew in from all over, even from Sweden and Belgium. After 4 days of celebrating we settled into a very happy married life.

However, early in 2016 Bob began developing troubling symptoms. He had difficulty picking up objects like utensils and coins. He said his hands felt like he was wearing boxing gloves. His balance and walking were becoming compromised. He sought out several specialists and after two years of misdiagnosis (and inappropriate treatment) he was finally diagnosed with the hereditary form of amyloidosis. Amyloidosis occurs when a protein called amyloid builds up in a person’s organs and systems. Bob had both cardiac and neurological involvement.

He participated in a clinical trial at the world-famous Columbia Neurological Institute, starting in January, 2018, in which every few weeks he had an infusion of a promising drug. But, sadly, he passed away after 11 months of treatment. 

A few months later I started to write. I didn’t have an outline to work from. The words just flowed. I sometimes felt he was guiding me, almost as if I were channeling him! 

It helped me to deal with the overwhelming grief I was feeling. Sitting there, reflecting on my memories and writing about them was cathartic but after a few months I stopped. I felt I’d gotten most of my feelings out on paper and I was ready to do something else.

About 6 months after Bob passed away, I was at a low point. A friend had given me the name of a highly respected psychic-medium, Drew Cali. On May 28, 2019 Drew and I had my first reading, via Zoom. I was told to keep my responses brief, adding no extra information. The first spirits who came through were my parents. Drew told me they were together, surrounded by other family members. Next he asked, “Does the name Bob mean anything to you?” I said yes, not revealing that Bob is my husband. He then passed on a series of messages that were exactly what Bob would tell me on earth! The reading was life-changing. It strengthened my belief that death is not the end, that there is an afterlife. 

Fast forward to August 2020. I was scrolling through my Facebook feed. Emily Barosse had posted that she had just established Bold Story Press and was looking to evaluate manuscripts by women. I wrote her about my writing and we had a chat the next day in which I in essence “pitched” my manuscript. She asked me to send some chapters to her. I explained that I wrote them on my iPad using the Evernote app. She said she’d accept my writing in that format. The manuscript was published in July 2022. The Married Widow has received many great reviews. But I was most gratified that many widows have reached out to tell me how reading my book has helped them process their own grief. 

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Diane Papalia Zappa grew up in Fort Lee, NJ, a suburb of New York City. She graduated from Vassar College in 1968 with a degree in psychology. She received her MS from West Virginia University in child development and family relations in 1970 and, in 1971 earned her PhD from WVU in life-span developmental psychology.

In 1971 she joined the faculty of University of Wisconsin-Madison, attaining the rank of Full Professor at the age of 30. While there, she, and co-author Sally Wendkos Olds, wrote A Child’s World (now in its 13th edition) and Human Development (in its 14th edition).

In 1986, while still a professor in Madison, she met Frank Zappa’s younger brother, Bob, who was marketing manager for one of her books. They married in 2015.

THE MARRIED WIDOW: MY JOURNEY WITH BOB ZAPPA

Diane Papalia’s world was turned upside down when she met Bob Zappa, “the man with the chocolate brown eyes,” in 1986. They were immediately drawn to each other. Over the course of 27 years, their stars would cross again and again, but it was complicated for them to be together. It wasn’t until 2013 that Diane and Bob were free to commit to being together. This is Diane’s story about their journey across those years, and how their love endured. The Married Widow is a poignant look at a beautiful love story between two people who waited years to finally be together.

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Category: On Writing