Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil
Beryl age 14 with Pat (9) and Carol (3)
Beryl Kingston is an 83 year old author, currently writing her 25th novel. She tells us what happened when she decided to share her truth.
Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil… Well yes, but be careful. There are some pretty tricky devils out there, as I know rather too well and they can do you a lot of harm.
Let me tell you a story.
I was what is now called an abused child. My mother caned me at frighteningly regular intervals from the time I was five, when my sister Pat was born, until I was seventeen. The beatings always followed the same pattern, first a period of hideous brooding while she worked herself up into a fury, then the beating and immediately afterwards what I called ‘the Catechism’, when she held me between her knees and explained why I deserved what had just happened to me.
She told me she hated me, that I was rotten to the core, that I should never have been born, that I had a horrible jealous nature, that ‘dear little Pat’ was worth ten of me and that I would never amount to anything. It went on and on. I timed it once and she kept it up for an hour and a half.
I wasn’t allowed to tell anybody what was going on, ‘you don’t want people to know what a nasty little thing you are’ nor to cry, after our next door neighbour complained because of my screaming, but I kept a carefully hidden diary, which was a sort of comfort besides being an accurate record and which turned out to be useful later on.
Beryl with her great grandson Harry
When I was very young I accepted all this, as children do, and turned myself inside out trying to do what she wanted, which was horribly difficult because it changed with her moods.
As I grew up and understood her better, and especially after I met my darling Roy and was loved for the first time in my life, I realised it was her own overwhelming need to hurt and punish that was the cause of all that caning and not my behaviour, however bad it might or might not have been.
But I still went on trying to love her and do and say what she wanted, partly because I was afraid of her tantrums and partly because by that time I had begun to pity her. It never made the slightest difference.
She died hating me, leaving a will in which she left small bequests to her grandchildren and my adopted sister Carole (whom incidentally I love to bits but that’s another more pleasant story) and her house, her money and her jewellery to Pat and her daughters and didn’t give me a mention. She meant what she’d always said. In her view I should never have been born.
After her death, when I was no longer afraid of reducing her to unpleasant rages by telling the truth, I gave evidence to the National Commission for the Inquiry into the prevention of Child Abuse because I thought what I had to say might be useful to them. I also wrote an article for the Daily Mail which they headlined ‘Why did my mother think I was so evil?’ It brought an amazing and touching response from all sorts of people, most of them telling me similar stories and saying they were grateful to think that child abuse was finally being allowed out of the shadows. I felt I’d achieved something by my honesty.
But then the hate cards started to arrive. Always anonymously and at various times like Easter and Christmas, but also on my birthday and my wedding anniversary, which showed that they came from someone who knew me fairly intimately. After a few months, my sister Pat’s second daughter Jenny saw one of the cards on my dining room table and said – ‘Are they still keeping that up? I thought they’d got over it’ – unwittingly letting me know that there were two perpetrators, Pat and her eldest daughter Wendy.
Beryl with her great grandson William
I didn’t take either of them to task, hoping that they would eventually ‘get over it’ and leave me alone. However, the cards went on arriving for eighteen months and they got steadily worse and worse until the last one which was absolutely appalling.
The cover of the card showed two vultures, one of which was saying ‘Aw… Wow! All I can see is dead things everywhere!’ which was ominous. But there was worse to come inside the card. It was unsigned as usual but there was a quotation from the Bible. ‘He who does not honour his father and mother let him be put to the death.’
At that point Roy and I thought I would have to take the matter to the police, which I did. The community policeman who came to visit me was a sensible man and tried to jolly me along by saying people sent all sorts of silly things through the post which they didn’t mean, but when I’d spread the cards out on the table and he’d read them all he changed his opinion. He said he thought the cards constituted harassment and told me I could take them to court. I told him that all I wanted was for them to be warned off and persuaded that they ought to stop.
Which I am glad to say, he did. But it showed me what a high price we can pay for speaking the truth.
—
Beryl Kingston is an 83 year old novelist and Great grandmother. She Lives in Sussex, UK. Her 24th book will published in March.
Find out more about Beryl on her website http://www.berylkingston.co.uk
Follow her on twitter @berylkingston
Category: Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
Comments (31)
Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed
Sites That Link to this Post
- #MondayBlogs Round Up (08 December 2014) - Indie Imprint | December 9, 2014
I just told a similar story about my mother in a newly published book entitled: Verity is Relative: Emma’s Memoir. It was a fight but I over came most of the terrible things both mental and physical that she inflicted on me. My book contains poetry and prose
Poetry is often a great help when you are struggling to overcome the results of cruel treatment. I’m glad you ‘came through’. It’s not the easiest thing is it?
Dear Beryl,
What to add after all those other comments. I am truly sorry you had to suffer so as a child, that your personality didn’t change shows strength of character, and the love of your husband must have been such a solace. I’m kind of curious whether Pat’s second daughter experienced her own share of misery at the hands of her mom and sister, to her her honest reaction to the cards must have been such a revelation. To be honest, I thought your mother must have been abused as a child, not uncommon, and such ugliness must come from somewhere.
Please make sure we will know when your Kindle version of A Family at War comes out, we’ll make your book go viral, I’m sure.
Kudos and power to you for sharing. You’re an inspiration, most all writers live with secrets that need to be told.
Warmly,
Judith
Thank you Judith. Comments like yours are very heartening and encouraging.
My sister Pat’s two elder daughters were belittled and put down and are just beginning to realise what was done to them and how much they’ve suffered because of it. It takes us such a long time to face things.
The Kindle edition won’t be picked up by a publisher until it has gathered a few more ratings and reviews. If you’ve read that edition maybe you could rate it for me. I’d be very grateful.
Beryl
you and I have a similar story – I was unwanted, my brother was loved. I wa disinherited, my brother was behind the procedure. You know what? If we hadn’t undergone neglected and abused childhoods, we would probably never have turned out writers. I look at my lovely little granddaughter and love her to bits..as you clearly do your great grandchild. As with you, I thought the way I was treated was universal..it wasn’t until I had a ‘best friend’ age 12 that I realised not all parents didn’t feed or speak to their daughters for days. Aren’t we lucky now, for the love of our family and friends? xxxx
I think that’s very likely Carol. I’ve had such support from so many people I’m going to take a risk and publish the full story, which was written years ago and is currently being formatted for Kindle. Wish me luck with it. It’s called ‘A Family at War’. More in my next as they say.
Much love, fellow sufferer. I liked you at once and now I know why,
Thank you for telling your story. Your life events, as well as thousands of others, need to be told and heard by everyone. Especially if our children are to be protected in the future. You are brave and amazing!! Thank you Beryl!!
Thank you Sandy. That’s the reason why I wrote it. At least since Childline people are listening to abused children now and are more ready to believe what they say.
Thank you for a very brave and touching piece, Beryl. No one should be forced to suffer in silence. Be strong.
Thank you Christina. You encourage me. I think the time might be coming for me to pluck up courage and offer the full story for publication. When I’ve finished the current novel maybe.
Thank you, Beryl. Your courage is inspiring and helps give me strength to tell my own story. When I have tried to tell parts of it, I get terrible blowback from some members of the family still alive, and this reminds me why.
Family members often collude in the abuser’s self-image so strongly and entirely that they simply can’t bear to have anyone tell the truth about it. The psychological term for it is cognitive dissonance. Take heart. You see the truth, they only see the fantasy.
Beryl, I am so glad you had the courage to name the evil. Abusers never admit to being wrong; of course, they said it was your fault. You may have been the scapegoat of the family and your truth-telling said loud and clear that the truth had not changed, but you had. I hope that no one is harrassing you anymore!
Thank you Mary. I have to admit I’m rather a coward now and keep out of the way of any family members who are still hostile.Besides there are too many books to write to waste time on people who need to hate.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Growing up with a mother that abuses, instead of loves, is a different kind of pain. As if the abuse is not bad enough, the way that family members are socialized to perpetuate the abuse, even after the abuser is dead and gone, is plain evil. I am so glad that you made it out and broke the cycle. Your life and family speaks for itself.
I was lucky La Tanya. I was rescued by my old darling. Many don’t have that luck and are hurt for life.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
You go girl! Never absolve them with silence.
Thank you Linda. That’s very encouraging.
I am so sorry you had to go through this, both as a child and those vile cards sent by your sister. I can’t help but be intrigued by what makes a mother into such a monster. Was there anything in her background that ever shed any light on her despicable behaviour? Why you of the three? How much did your father know about this? I’m sorry if you feel I have no right to ask; it’s just that I find human behaviour incomprehensible sometimes.
I tried to answer your comment beta when it first came out but it seems to have got lost. I don’t think abusers work to the same patterns as most people. My mother was the second child and spoilt by her father. Her brother was the first one, like me, and beaten. Their mother favoured her son. I watched my mother all through her life and she never changed. She was driven by jealousy of her brother and his family, terrible anger because she thought life hadn’t treated her fairly and an even more terrible hatred that burst out into uncontrollable violence, which she off loaded on her pets and me.
‘Let them anatomise Regan,’ as King Lear says.
I salute you Beryl for your courage and for showing how resilience can triumph. The more people share their experiences, the easier it will be for others to speak out.
Love the photographs of you and your great grandsons, and how pretty you were when you were 14!
Thank you Violet. I admire your philosophy. Speak/write the truth especially when people want to hide or repress it. Quite right. I don’t know where you live but here in the UK we are struggling to get to the truth about a monstrous paedophile ring. And it IS a struggle.
Thank you for sharing your very harrowing story. I love that you have lived a long and productive life and found love even after such harsh beginnings. And my personal philosophy is to always speak/write the truth, especially when people want to hide or repress it. It’s cleansing. Blessings and write on!
Thank you for your courage and honesty. I was treated for PTSD, trauma and abuse seven years ago and wrote a piece about one of my abusers, my father. It was a great honor to have it published in a literary journal. I have been fearful of writing about one of my other abusers because he still has no self-awareness or accountability AND I believe other family members would believe it was lies. I appreciate your post because I think I will trust my intuition and keep my thoughts about this person in my journal. I am so full of gratitude that daring souls like yourself have the fearlessness to bring important issues like abuse out in the open so others can benefit and heal.
Stephanie my dear, thank you so much for writing. I can understand entirely how necessary it is to keep quiet when you feel you wouldn’t be believed. Abusers project such a persuasive self-image that it is only too easy for others to believe it too even when the evidence ought to be showing them it isn’t true. Love and sympathy.
Thank you lonestarsky. I would go further than you and say most abused children are deliberately taught to think the abuse is their fault. And almost as bad, many families of abusers are taught to share that opinion and to collude in the abuser’s fantasy image of themselves.
This post stunned me. As if the abuse was not bad enough, the hate mail brought tears to my eyes. As Jess said above, I admire your courage in speaking up about this. One of the worst things about child abuse is the fact that the children tend to blame themselves. Your story shows that it is never, ever the child’s fault and that a successful and happy future is possible.
Thank you Jess. That’s encouraging. It’s always difficult to know whether to speak out or keep quiet.
I admire your strength and courage for speaking the truth and speaking out against child abuse, Beryl. Thank you for writing this personal-experience article for Women Writers, Women Books.