On Writing EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT WIDOWHOOD I LEARNED FROM JESSICA FLETCHER

TYPING THROUGH TEARS

By Christina Hamlett

“So do you think you’ll keep writing?”

There are a lot of mind-numbingly weird things people say when they are discomfited about expressing condolences to a widow. I learned this firsthand when my husband passed away from Stage 4 cancer last year. Along with “How does it feel to now be only half a person?” and “Will you be giving all your plates away since you won’t be eating gourmet meals anymore?” I found myself fielding no shortage of inquiries about whether I was going to shut down my career in writing and publishing. 

I seriously have no idea why this speculation would even cross anyone’s mind. I was a novelist, playwright and essayist long before Mark and I ever met. This talent was, in fact, one of the very things which not only captivated him but also prompted him to encourage me to write even more. Yet when this personal chapter of my life took a devastating turn, the first thought everyone seemed to entertain is that I suddenly had nothing left to say, that I would close my laptop for the last time and stare vacantly into space.

While everyone processes grief differently, my own experience has been that some of my best writing—and especially humor—has been born of survival, the need to keep pressing forward versus dribbling into a malaise of hopelessness. The hugsman and I had often talked about a friend who used her widowhood as an excuse to let herself go, to cut off seeing friends and, most of all, to stop pursuing any of the activities which had previously given her joy. While in her defense I can say that depression can zap one’s physical energy, that’s when it becomes more important than ever to tap one’s emotional reserves and seek creative outlets to fill what may seem at the outset to be cavernous voids.

At the time of Mark’s passing, I was in the thick of my UK cozy mystery writing series as well as several new plays for my British publisher. I needed no real coaxing to stay on top of these. Throughout our marriage he had come to recognize that no matter what was transpiring in my life which might have infused me with self-doubts, all it took to vanquish those feelings was spending a few hours at the keyboard with my characters. He also saw that my sense of humor could turn just about anything into fodder for a future scene or book. Including over-aggressive funeral directors and their zeal to sell pricey urns.

I hadn’t intended to write a book about widowhood. Goodness knows there are enough titles on the market which empathize, sympathize and theorize about the best ways to navigate a solo existence after years of being a duet. As I began sharing anecdotes, however, there were plenty of listeners who found themselves laughing at my storytelling style and saying, “You should write all of this down.” 

Putting it on paper, though, wasn’t exactly the therapeutic/cathartic exercise they assumed. Instead, it was a way for me to deliver useful advice in an upbeat way, get readers to frame their circumstances in a more positive light, and maybe even to nod appreciatively at the unknown author who quipped, “You can’t spell ‘funeral’ without ‘fun’.”

While writing has always been my own go-to solution for anything and everything, I realized over the course of the new book that self-care is the crux of getting through the seemingly impossible. Whether it’s using the good stuff, reinventing yourself or simply trying something you’ve never done before, the list of tips I included will not only help anyone get through their bouts of depression but also provide impetus to unleash their creative side in ways they might not have imagined. For example:

Make the fudge. Lick the bowl.

Put on your favorite song. Sing along with it and play it 47 times.

Read a new novel while you eat dinner.

Indulge in your favorite tea. Buy a china cup and saucer for it.

Buy a cookie. Buy two. Don’t share it.

Stay in your jammies on a rainy day. All day.

Watch and re-watch your favorite movies.

Browse in a bookstore.

Sing in a shower. (The acoustics are amazing!)

Start a gratitude journal and commit to writing in it every day.

Give yourself a facial.

Make a date once a week with a friend for coffee, lunch or wine.

Dance in the kitchen in your socks.

Get a haircut or highlight. Splurge on a mani and pedi.

Make a list of 10 things you want to do which require neither the permission nor the approval of anyone else.

Treat yourself to a picnic even if it is indoors.

Celebrate your half-birthday.

Learn a new language.

Soak in a bubble bath.

Volunteer for a cause you believe in.

Get your jam on in the grocery store when your favorite song comes on. Don’t fret about looking silly. Everyone else probably wants to do it, too. You can encourage them in this by doing it first.

Make hot chocolate and don’t skimp on the frothy whipped cream.

Be kind to total strangers.

Drink lemonade or soda out of a stemmed glass.

Spend time in sadness. Just don’t make it your permanent address.

Binge-watch your favorite television series.

Create a Zen garden.

Close your eyes, imagine your happiest place and fall asleep re-living the best of times.

Comb travel brochures. Plan virtual solo vacations in advance of going on your next real one.

Take long walks and skaddle through dry leaves.

Meditate at least 15 minutes a day.

Join a book club, whether online or in person.

Compile a playlist of your favorite songs.

Take a class in something you’ve always wanted to know more about.

Treat yourself to breakfast in bed on a lovely tray.

Learn to say “no”.

Put on your Wellies and go splash in puddles.

Invite your best gal pals for a slumber party. Add wine.

Buy a bubble maker and run outside with it.

Get a humidifier and some essential oils for a dreamy night’s sleep.

Drink a full glass of water first thing every morning.

Buy yourself fresh flowers.

Practice deep breathing.

Get on the floor and play with your dog or cat.

Throw your sheets in the dryer right before bedtime so you can fall asleep in cozy warmth.

Eat your favorite breakfast for dinner.

Get up early to watch the sunrise.

Go to bed late and stand under the moon and stars.

It’s all good stuff. And it’s nothing less than you should enjoy. 

Just Because.

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Former actress and theatre director Christina Hamlett (www.authorhamlett.com) is an award-winning author whose credits to date include 50 books, 271 stage plays and squillions of articles, blogs and interviews. Here’s the scoop on her latest release, EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT WIDOWHOOD I LEARNED FROM JESSICA FLETCHER:

Wolves, swans and French angelfish are among a litany of species which mate forever. If a partner dies, the survivor literally becomes a lost soul and gives up all interest in continuing alone.

Humans, too, often embrace the mindset of there being only one true love allotted to each of us per lifetime. In Eve’s Diary by Mark Twain, an inconsolable Adam weeps at her grave with the words, “Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.” Even if Eve had been the first one to face the future newly single, there’d have been no Central Casting to which she might easily apply for a replacement.

In a perfect world, we would blissfully exit our shared existence hand-in-hand. In an imperfect one such as that in which I suddenly found myself after 25 years of marriage, we can either fold to despair like a cheap suit or stride boldly into grand adventures and do our dearly departed lovers proud.

My vote is for striding boldly. Who’s with me?

Available on Amazon in Kindle and paperback.

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing