What Breed is Your Writer?

Dogs come in many different shapes and sizes, and they have very different characteristics. While training my puppy, a Labrador retriever named Capone, I spent a lot of time around other puppies, and realized something astonishing.

Different breeds of dogs are like different types of writers. 

This seemed like such an extraordinary idea, but when I tried to match up a breed to a genre, it was actually easier than expected.

Let’s start with romance writers. I write romance, so I can say with some authority that romance writers are the American Standard Poodles of the writing world. Those are the big dogs that have those funky looking tails and require a lot of grooming and are very high maintenance. They might be pretty, but they are a bit snippy and difficult. And a little nuts. Just being honest here. 

Women’s Fiction: I write in this genre, too, which means it’s fair game. Women’s fiction writers are kind of like the bichon frises. Why? Because they have a lot in common with the romance writers (aka the poodles), even if they don’t seem to see it.  

There is an ongoing debate, “Is it women’s fiction or is it contemporary romance?” I’ve seen people nearly get into fist fights over this issue, usually after they’ve had a few too many glasses of chardonnay. But I’ve also seen people freak out over whether young adult is an audience or a genre, so nothing surprises me anymore (FYI – YA is an audience)(Just saying).

Speaking of YA – what about young adult and middle grade authors? Well, they are the labs and goldens of the writing world. Everyone likes them. They’re family dogs and easy to get along with, and most young adult and middle grade authors are the same way. Lots of moms, teachers, and librarians write YA and MG. They are often named things like Jennifer, Emily, and Jessica. No one can dislike someone named Emily. It just isn’t possible. By that token, those of us who write young adult romance would be labradoodles. It kind of fits. 

Horror Writers. I wanted to come up with something big and scary for this, so I thought Irish Wolfhound. Then I realized Irish Wolfhounds may look big and scary, but they usually just want to be loved. This is not always the case with horror writers. Sometimes horror writers really just want to be left alone. 

Fantasy Writers. I do love these guys, but they are not normal, so I had to choose a not normal dog for them – a pug. The pug looks a bit like an imaginary creature doesn’t it? Or maybe sci-fi writers are pugs. That connection probably comes from seeing the pug in the movie Men In Black. Heck, I guess they can both be pugs. People just lump those completely separate and unique genres into one category most of the time anyway. Why not give them the same dog?  

Mystery Writers: They know about twenty ways to get rid of you and can make it look like an accident. The mystery writers are the German Shepherds of the writing world. They have the same alert awareness, as well as a slightly lethal aspect to their personalities. You don’t want to make them mad. Trust me.

Creative Nonfiction: This one was tricky. I knew I had to pick a working dog, something honest, with a tendency to sip bourbon or cognac or something. Creative nonfiction people have a tough job. They have to do actual research and be accurate. They aren’t compulsive liars like other writers. For them, I came up with a St. Bernard. Or maybe it should be a Newfie. This is a hard one because nonfiction is all about facts, and I want to get it right. 

By the way, that little barrel St. Bernards carry? Total fiction. They never actually wore barrels on their collars. When I found that out, I was very disappointed.

Memoir: Since we’re talking about nonfiction, it seems like a good Segway to talking about memoir writers. 

I admire these guys so much, because often they have a difficult story to tell, and they do it with such honesty and transparency. But often memoir writers have not had an easy life. If they were happy-go-lucky, they’d be a labradoodle named Emily, and they’d be writing young adult romance instead. 

But, no, they are not labradoodles. They are not doodles of any kind. They are the basset hounds of the writing world, with those big sad eyes and floppy ears. Not that all memoir writers have floppy ears. I didn’t mean to infer that. I’m sorry if your ears are floppy. That would probably be an excellent topic for your next memoir.

Historical: A Great Dane or a Mastiff. Something you can picture sitting around a castle looking noble. Historical fiction writers are kind of the same way. They often look like their posing for a portrait or something, but if you look around their feet, they are always lugging around boxes and boxes of notes and research material. Historical fiction is tricky because readers will argue with you about anything from snuff boxes to corsets, so you have to be super prepared. Your readers will never forget it if your regency gentleman accidentally tied his cravat like someone in Victorian times. One small mistake or inaccuracy is like saying one of those unforgivable curses in Harry Potter. Avada kadavra. Boom. It’s over. You’re toast.

Erotica: Yes, this is a type of romance, but different. I’m in Romance Writers of America, and I was the president of Three Rivers Romance Writers, so I’ve met a lot of erotica writers. They’re a fun group, and most of them are very open about what they write. They also have the rare talent of turning any subject into something slightly risqué and inappropriate. It’s a gift. Seriously. I love my erotica writing friends, but all I could come up with was a French bulldog for this one. First of all, French things are sexy, right? And, for some reason I can picture those dogs in a beret. I don’t know why. Secondly, they tend to hump a lot. 

Poets: I’m always surprised by poets. Sometimes, during a quiet moment at a writing conference, I’ll sit and people watch – trying to figure out who writes what. I’m almost always wrong, but, with poets, I’m wrong 100% of the time. 

Poets are mysterious creatures, but I feel like the French bulldog in a beret would work for them, too – mostly because of the beret. Don’t poets often wear berets? I mean, that would make recognizing them so much easier. But maybe I’m wrong with the bulldog. I think poets are actually something rare, shy and a bit skittish – like a Hungarian Visla. 

Literary Fiction. Some of my closest friends in the world write literary fiction, so I can say this with love in my heart. Literary fiction people aren’t like genre fiction writers. In fact, they are a different species altogether. I struggled on this one, but finally came up with an answer. 

Literary fiction people are cats. Think about it. They sit up high on a perch somewhere, staring down at the poodles and wolfhounds and pugs with an expression of boredom and vague annoyance on their faces. Yep. They are cats. No further explanation is necessary.

It doesn’t matter what breed of writer you are, not really. It’s what writers have in common that is most important. Writers are kindred spirits. We understand each other. We’re book people, and that makes us strange and special and wonderful. We’re a tribe of dreamers and storytellers and weavers of words, and it’s a beautiful thing. Even if you look like a grumpy Persian cat. 

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Award-winning author Abigail Drake has spent her life traveling the world and collecting stories wherever she visited. She is a book hoarder, a coffee drinker, a linguistics geek, and an eternal optimist. She writes women’s fiction and young adult fiction, and she also enjoys blogging about the adventures of her mischievous Labrador retriever, Capone. Her eleventh book, “Love, Chocolate, and a Dog Named Al Capone” is coming out October 15, 2019. For more about Abigail, check out her website, www.abigaildrake.com. Or take a look at Capone’s Facebook page: www.facebook.com/caponethewonderdog.

LOVE, CHOCOLATE AND A DOG NAMED AL CAPONE, Abigail Drake

Capone, the newly acquired puppy of Miss Josephine St. Clair, owner of Bartleby’s Books, is a literature loving Labrador. Obsessed with Jane Austen, and cursed with a terrible name, Capone hopes to change his doggie karma and prove he’s just as much a gentleman as the heroes in his favorite books, by finding the perfect Mr. Darcy for the lonely and bookishly adorable Miss Josie.

Unfortunately, the only men Miss Josie seems to encounter aren’t Darcys at all. They’re Wickhams, Churchills, and Willoughbys. Even worse, there is trouble afoot. Someone has been sabotaging Miss Josie’s business, and all signs point to her evil ex. Can Capone find a way to save Bartleby’s Books, help Miss Josie find her true love, and earn, at long last, a name befitting a true gentleman?

 

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing