What I Learned About Grief and Grieving by Writing The Married Widow and Dear Bobby

Diane Papalia Zappa

Prior to my 75 year old husband Bob Zappa’s passing away in 2018, I hadn’t thought much about grieving. And then suddenly his unexpected traumatic death from hereditary Amyloidosis plunged me deeply into it.

In writing my two memoirs, The Married Widow: My Journey with Bob Zappa and Dear Bobby: My Grief Journey, I took a deep dive into the literature on grief and grieving.  I needed to understand what I was going through. Grief, after all, is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. It is love with no place to go.

I’ve learned grieving is not a “one size fits all” phenomenon. There is no set pattern or set timetable. My initial reaction was anger. I felt betrayed. How could he die? How could he do this to me? We had only been married for 3 short years. It was unanticipated and I was unprepared. Life (and death) can be so unfair!

For others denial often comes first. Shock, loneliness, and sadness are all normal reactions. I remember feeling brain fog, which is sometimes called grief brain. Grief changes the brain and I experienced forgetfulness, and difficulty remembering and sleeping. Others widows I’ve spoken to have tried turning on a TV with their phone or have difficulty with simple math or remembering names. The length of brain fog varies from person to person but it is common, and eventually lifts, typically in about 12 months. For some it is longer, for others briefer.

I found, too, that sometimes the company of other widows is the best company. They understand. People who haven’t been widowed often just disappear. This happened to me and other widowed friends. Maybe they don’t know what to say or are simply afraid they may be next. But just being there or quietly reminiscing about a beloved spouse can help.

For me grief has softened over the 6 years since Bob passed away. Yet some days are more difficult than others. When that happens I try to acknowledge the feeling, and let that feeling pass, knowing better days are coming.

I’ve also learned that the ideal of finding “closure “ is largely an American phenomenon. Dr. Pauline Boss, Professor Emeritus of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, has written extensively about this myth. She believes we don’t get over a loss (achieve closure) but we move forward and through grief, so that the loss becomes part of who we are. The situation has changed but the bond with our loved one remains as we learn to live with the loss, ultimately finding meaning from it. I still feel a strong bond with Bob and believe I always will. Other widows I know have found the same bond persists.

Anniversaries of important events such as birthdays and weddings can be particularly daunting. For me, I like to acknowledge them head on, often with a celebratory dinner with my daughter and friends. Others, though, may find this too painful. And that’s okay, too.

I found that the readings I had from two reputable psychic mediums were profound turning points for me. They readily channeled Bob who told them he had transitioned to a beautiful place, where he was watching over and protecting me. Those readings did much to alleviate my pain. 

Although I never joined a “grief group”  widows I know have found them healing. One friend found comfort and friendship with a professionally led group of widows whose husbands all were in the same hospice together. Some widows may find the grief groups on Facebook helpful. And if the grief is overwhelming professional counseling is an option.

Other widowed friends have enjoyed traveling (either alone or with friends) and volunteering. One close friend volunteers at a shelter where she adopted a “senior” cat named Roxy.

For me, I found that writing my memoirs helped me work through the pain. Especially helpful was writing letters to my late husband. It was cathartic, enabling me to find meaning in my experience. When I wrote I let the words flow, allowing me to express and confront many powerful emotions. And through my writings I found peace.

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About the Author 

Diane Papalia Zappa grew up in Fort Lee, NJ. She graduated from Vassar College with a degree in psychology. She earned a MS in Child Development and Family Relations and a PhD in Life-Span Developmental Psychology from West Virginia University in 1970 and 1971 respectively. She then joined the faculty of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, attaining the rank of Full Professor at the age of 30. While there she and co-author Sally Wendkos Olds wrote A Child’s World (in its 13th edition) and Human Development (in its 15Th edition). While at Wisconsin she met Frank Zappa’s younger brother Bob, who was marketing manager for one of her textbooks. They married in 2015. Her first memoir, The Married Widow: My Journey with Bob Zappa describes the evolution of their relationship since meeting in 1986. Dear Bobby: My Grief Journey describes how she handled her grief after he passed away in 2018.

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THE MARRIED WIDOW

1Diane Papalia’s world was turned upside down when she met Bob Zappa, “the man with the chocolate brown eyes,” in 1986. They were immediately drawn to each other. Over the course of 27 years, their stars would cross again and again, but it was complicated for them to be together. It wasn’t until 2013 that Diane and Bob were free to commit to being together. This is Diane’s story about their journey across those years, and how their love endured. The Married Widow is a poignant look at a beautiful love story between two people who waited years to finally be together.

Diane Papalia Zappa earned her PhD in lifespan developmental psychology in 1971. She went on to teach human development courses to thousands of students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, attaining the rank of tenured full professor of child and family studies at the age of 30. While in Madison, she and co-author Sally Wendkos Olds wrote A Child’s World (now in its thirteenth edition) and Human Development (in its fourteenth edition).

In 1986, while still a professor in Madison, she met Frank Zappa’s younger brother, Bob, who was the marketing manager for one of her books.

DEAR BOBBY: MY GRIEF JOURNEY

When Diane Papalia and Bob Zappa met in 1986, they both felt an immediate and intense connection. It was not until 2013 that they could finally be together, and they married in 2015. Three short years later, Bob passed away, a victim of hereditary amyloidosis. In Dear Bobby, Diane tells the story of how she dealt with her monumental loss.

In her grief, Diane found writing to be especially helpful, so she began writing letters to her late husband a few months after he died. Reflecting on her loss allowed her to confront that loss, find meaning in it, and eventually find peace. The centerpiece of this book is a collection of those letters.

In Dear Bobby, Diane talks about the different ways of grieving. She presents several writing prompts to encourage readers to begin their own writing journey. Dear Bobby also offers helpful resources for the reader, including books about death, grieving, coping, and the afterlife. There is a list of films that have afterlife themes. It also includes a list of support groups and organizations for those who are grieving that Diane found helpful.

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