Would You Ask My Husband That? by Kathleen Whyman
Would You Ask My Husband That?
She’s wearing the pants in the family. And washing everyone else’s as well.
Kathleen Whyman describes the inspiration behind her new book and how she hopes it’ll ignite some interesting conversations at the dinner table
‘Will worked very hard. I wasn’t trying to belittle that. But he could, because that was all he had to think about. He was oblivious to the volume of life admin that raising children and running a household involved. The amount of paperwork that came home from school would make Greta Thunberg weep. And Will never get woken by the children in the night when they’d had a bad dream or needed a wee, or a drink of water and then another wee. I knew all this was part of being a parent, but Evie and Fred had two parents. Why was it all on me? Why was I the one who had to sacrifice my career?’
This extract is the core message of my new book Would You Ask My Husband That?’. Why, in a heterosexual partnership, is it (almost) always down to the woman to deal with the kids and home, regardless of whatever other work she’s doing? It’s not bloody fair!
Hands up if this sounds familiar!
Would You Ask My Husband That? tells the story of a married couple, Sarah and Will, who work for the same company. Will’s the higher earner so even though Sarah works full time too, she deals with the children, the house, life admin, never-ending laundry. Hands up if that sounds familiar?! When Will unexpectedly loses his job, it makes sense for Sarah to take the promotion she’s offered. And they all live happily ever after.
As if! Overnight, Will becomes a stay-at-home dad and Sarah’s the high-flying, breadwinner. The role-reversal creates guilt, tension, resentment, soul-searching, double standards and, just for the fun of it, a bit more guilt. They’re both driven to wondering what’s worth more – the marriage or the job?
Home stretch
The inspiration for the book struck close to home. So close, it was actually in my home! My husband’s the breadwinner and works long hours in a stressful job. As a novelist and freelance journalist, my salary is, sadly, nothing compared to his. (Shonda Rhimes and/or Greta Gerwig – you have the power to change this situation. Please do DM me if you’re reading this!!) So, as the one who pays the mortgage and the bills, I totally understand that his job takes priority. However, it’s rather galling at weekends when I’m running around doing the supermarket shop, laundering the school uniforms and PE kits, chauffeuring children here there and everywhere, providing a round-the-clock All You Can Eat buffet, while an editing or article deadline looms overhead. And he’s recuperating from a hard week at work by lying on the sofa marvelling at his brilliance for completing The Times’ cryptic crossword and rewatching all five series of The Wire, just because he can!
Daddy Daycare
I have friends who, like Sarah and Will, have flipped tradition on its head and she’s the one with the career, while he’s the stay-at-home dad. The dads get much more kudos for raising the children than the mums do. ‘Isn’t he good to do that,’ is a common response at his noble sacrifice for the good of the family. Yes, he is good to do that, but so are the millions of women who do the same thing without recognition. Can you tell this annoys me? It’s up there with ‘Is dad babysitting tonight?’. No, he’s just looking after his own children! Or when people question if my child might not be getting the care and attention they need because I work. Seriously? Would you ask my husband that? (You can see where the book title came from!) I strongly believe that working mums are a great role model. Not that I’m knocking women who choose to stay at home to raise their children. The key word is ‘choose’. We all have the right to do what’s right for us and our families without judgement.
My friends whose husbands look after the children view the arrangement in a very different way to the majority of men who are caught up with work all week. The stay-at-home dads tend to down tools the moment their wife walks through the door and expect her to take over. The fact she’s had a long, stressful day coupled with a commute, very possibly with period pains and/or menopause symptoms, is irrelevant. She needs to switch straight from corporate bad ass into parenting mode. It’s not that she doesn’t want to spend time with her children – she had them for a reason – but it’d be nice if they’d already been bathed sometimes or had their own bad ass nappies changed rather than all that crap (literally) being saved for her.
Fishy business
One friend’s husband would be waiting by the front door every Friday evening with his fishing rods and tent and would be straight out of the door the moment she crossed the threshold, not returning until Sunday evening. Racked with guilt for being so absent in the week, she accepted this as part of the deal even though it meant she was constantly exhausted and they only had family time on Mother’s Day, her birthday and the one weekend a year the lake was being cleaned.
I’m not sure many men would tolerate their wives buggering off every weekend as compensation for having looked after the children all week. I remember trying to escape for a quick jog around the field behind our house when the children were little. They were happily watching CBeebies while my husband did his crossword when I left. Ten minutes later, as I felt the stress and tension begin to leave my body while I ran, I heard shrieks of: ‘Mumma, Mumma,’ and my two children hurtled towards me followed by my husband. ‘We thought we’d come and surprise you,’ he’d said with a grin. He’s fortunate I hadn’t any fishing rods with me, as I couldn’t be held responsible for where I’d have shoved them!
Table talk
As you can probably tell, this is an issue that means a lot to me. It just isn’t fair that in the 21st century, women are still expected to be the primary carer of the family and home, despite whatever work commitments they’re juggling. I know there are exceptions and also that the men who leave everything in their wives’ capable hands aren’t horrible people. They just don’t think. Hopefully this book will ignite some conversations at the dinner table and maybe, just maybe, things will start to change. I’m including my own dinner table in this. My husband hasn’t read the book yet, as he likes to wait until it’s officially published. I’ll let you know how he reacts!
Would You Ask My Husband That? is out in paperback, ebook and audio https://amzn.to/45dctpf
Free first chapter
You can read the first chapter for free by signing up to my newsletter at www.kathleenwhyman.com. If you like what you read, please buy the book and tell all your friends, colleagues, casual acquaintances, delivery driver, and Shonda Rhimes and Greta Gerwig, if you happen to know them!
Oh, and if you’re wondering who on earth I am, I started out as a magazine journalist, but longed to be a novelist. However, I got slightly sidetracked over the years by work, children and Mad Men box sets. It was my daughter’s words – ‘Stop talking about writing a book and just write one’ – that gave me the push I needed to enrol on a writing course.
My books are inspired by my feeble attempt to juggle a career with childcare, my own never-ending life admin and laundry and, outrageously, a bit of time for myself. I’m still struggling, despite the fact my children are now teenagers. (Any tips on how to cope would be much appreciated!)
My debut novel Wife Support System was shortlisted for the Romantic Novelists’ Association’s Joan Hessayon Award and the Romance Comedy Novel of the Year. Published by Hera in 2020, it’s about three mums who are frustrated by the lack of support they get in their family homes. They move in together to help each other as they juggle careers, childcare and housework. Will their marriages and friendships survive, as one woman has her head turned by a handsome colleague, one fights to keep a dark secret and another tires of being responsible for toilet rolls?
My novel Second Wife Syndrome was shortlisted for the Comedy Women in Print prize in the unpublished comic novel category. It’s still unpublished at the moment, but news on this will follow soon. Yet another reason to subscribe to my newsletter!
I’ve written for Writers’ Forum magazine and the RNA’s magazine Romance Matters. I also wrote short stories for Jackie magazine in her teens. Thankfully these were never printed.
I live in Hertfordshire with my husband and two teenage daughters – one of whom is expecting 10 per cent of any profits.
Twitter – @kathleenwhyman1
Instagram – @kathleenwhyman1
Facebook – @kathleenfwhyman
Would You Ask My Husband That: An absolutely hilarious, laugh out loud page turner
She’s wearing the pants in this family. And washing everyone else’s too… When Sarah’s husband, Will, is unexpectedly fired, her first reaction is shock. Then she gets a call offering her his old job. On principal, she should turn it down. But their young family needs the money and Sarah can’t help feeling like her career has taken a backseat all these years. Now it is her turn to shine. Overnight, Sarah and Will trade places. She’s now the departmental director commuting into the city five days a week and answering client calls on the weekend. He’s doing the school run and the laundry. Or at least trying to.
They’ve always said they are equal partners, so this should be simple, right? Wrong. This change was supposed to be the making of them as a family, but as Sarah fights for her chance to have it all, she might end up losing everything… A totally hilarious and honest look at juggling family, marriage and careers. Fans of Why Mummy Drinks, Kristen Bailey and Sophie Kinsella will be absolutely hooked from the very first page.
BUY HERE
Category: On Writing
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