Writer and Mother: How Children Can Help (and Not Hinder) the Creative Process
The birth of my first child came as somewhat of a shock. I was relatively young (at least, by today’s standards) and was of the naïve opinion that a baby in my life wouldn’t impact on writing, travelling, hiking, working in the allotment, piano playing or indeed any of these things that I took for granted in my life. After all, babies were portable, right?
Writer and mother Rebecca Stonehill
It didn’t take long for me to come back to earth with a bump and realise that, no matter how much my baby slept and how good natured she was, my life had changed irrevocably and time for myself must be lived out in a drastically altered and reduced framework.
The novel I was writing, which had gathered so much steam in the months preceding my daughter’s birth, juddered to a halt as life became a whirlwind of feeding, changing, cleaning and responding to the varied demands of a small baby. Like many new mothers, I was also very sleep-deprived. I found not only was I unable to nap during the day when my baby slept, but I also struggled with dropping off at night, so sensitized was I to my baby’s round-the-clock needs, struggling to really relax and therefore enjoy the new experience of motherhood in the way I wanted.
I was also upset to discover that I no longer had the desire or energy to write, something a few months previously would have seemed inconceivable. I railed against this, fighting this lack of creative desire in any way I knew how, using those insomniac hours in the middle of the night to open my laptop only to stare at it in frustration as day broke and I found that what I had produced was forced at best and lackluster at worst. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be women doing it better than me; balancing children and jobs and homes and relationships with flair and energy and then there was me, with just one child and not managing to even hammer out a few worthwhile lines of prose alongside this.
I desperately wanted to continue with my novel but was stuck in a resentful, exhausted rut. I had always been an avid diary writer, but it was my husband who suggested it: Why not start a blog? I was incredulous. Why would I want to potentially bare my soul to complete strangers, and what would I even find to write about? Write about your insomnia, my husband persisted, write about the things you find difficult about motherhood. I mulled it over.
Perhaps he was right; after all, motherhood, as I was learning pretty quickly, wasn’t all about first smiles and sweet little fingers grasping onto your thumbs.
Tentatively, I began writing my blog which I called Notes of an insomniac mother and the relief was instantaneous: a flood of exhaustion and joy and frustration all rolled into one as my thoughts and emotions found refuge on the page. Slowly, I began to hear from other mothers around the world who were also suffering from chronic insomnia and knowing that I wasn’t alone proved deeply gratifying in a way that would never have materialised had I continued to write solely for myself.
Not only that, but through my blog I learnt to stop giving myself such a hard time about not continuing with my novel. It wasn’t going anywhere; I didn’t have a deadline and in fact, this break, I soon learnt, gave my novel necessary composting and breathing space. It also helped me to navigate a path through my extreme exhaustion and accompanying doubts about my abilities as a mother, putting a much-needed perspective on my experiences: that this time would pass.
As my daughter grew and I went on to have two more children, time for writing continued to be limited. But I discovered something interesting. Prior to children, my right-hand companion to my writing process was procrastination. With three small children to care for and a supportive husband who took them out on Saturday mornings so I could write, I didn’t have TIME to procrastinate anymore. Here was my precious opportunity and I had to seize it with both hands.
Those mornings came to form a vital pulse of my writing, with many short stories and sections of my novel springing from them. The week was for making notes and thinking, but my writing morning was for knuckling down and getting the words on the page.
Not only that, but I also found that my three children provided the inspiration for many ideas. Thinking about my relationship with them breathed new life into the delicate workings of parent-children relations in my novel and short story ideas formed with children as the protagonists. When my husband’s job took us to India for a year, I decided that rather than writing about my own experiences, why not blog from the perspective of my three year old daughter as she filtered a myriad of new sights, sounds and smells?
Now living in Nairobi, I am doing the same with my middle child. Not only does this provide an opportunity to empathise with my children as they experience a new country and culture, but it is deeply satisfying to write and is something for my children to keep once I print the blogs into physical books.
Motherhood has, over the years, greatly impacted on my writing. But rather than just throwing up challenges, I have learnt to take these challenges alongside the unexpected opportunities that have ensued. Our children are only young once; let’s treasure this time whilst also taking a step back from our writing and asking how our children can help rather than hinder our creative process.
Category: Being a Writer
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Sites That Link to this Post
- The mother who finds time to write | Bobbin About | October 22, 2014
- Featuring Women Writers on WWWB 2013 - Women Writers, Women Books | December 31, 2013
Great article Rebecca. I have 2 kids. One is 5 mths!! But I got a flash of inspiration at 10pm the other night and wrote 1500 words!! A miracle!! Let me know if you have any more tips on saving time to write. x
Thanks so much for the comment Joyce! Yes it really is tough going when your kids are that little – but we have to capitalise on those moments of inspiration, just as you are doing, whether it’s at 10pm or 3am!! And remember that this time will pass and you will once again have more time to write (at normal hours) – my three are now 9,7 & 5 and it does all feel so much more manageable now as they are more independent and reasonable sleepers. Best of luck with it all! 🙂
Love this, Rebecca! Especially since I can identify with so much of what you say–yes, the time is way more difficult to find now (I have three young ones of my own, and my 2-year-old absolutely refuses to sleep at night, which is so not what I was expecting at this stage of the game!), but gosh, there’s so much to draw from–the inspiration, the heart–and quite honestly, just that feeling of being a role model who chases my own dreams so that they one day will chase theirs. Keep at it, writer-mama! We’re right there with you.
Hi Leah! Sorry I seemed to miss your comment from back last August! So pleased this article resonated with you – how is your 2 year old (probably 3 by now?) doing now at night on the sleep front?? Good luck with all the writing, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly 🙂 x
Yes to all this! Wonderful post. I’ve written more since having two children, because in order to get anything done, I have to really honor the precious writing time I do have.
Thanks Brenna, Yes I know exactly what you mean, we must seize the day (and those moments!) so much more intensely once we have little people in our lives 🙂
What a great post! I also found it difficult to write when my daughter came along almost three years ago, such was massive impact she had on my life. I remember sitting at my laptop, creating fiction that wasn’t fit for reading, but knowing I had to do it, to regain control of my identity.
Now I’m learning the tricks of being able to entertain her while I write on my laptop, usually from the sofa while she’s watching a film (stimulating her imagination?) … do you have any tips?
Hi there, good to hear from you and I’m glad the article resonated. Do you also write whilst your daughter’s asleep eg during a naptime or at night? I always found it really tricky to write if my kids were actually around, at least to get any decent writing done, but then again – whatever works! So if you find whilst your daughter is watching a film is a good time for you to get on with things, they you have to go with that. The most important thing is that you fit it in somehow, anyhow. As you say, it’s so important for regaining our identity as writers and not just mother’s. Best of luck with it 🙂
Hi again,
Not sure how I missed your reply, almost a year ago, but I did. I was redirected to your page a couple of days ago with a new comment from Vicki and related a lot to her comments.
My youngest daughter, 15, has listened to many of my stories, which have turned into a memoir. I was on one of the San Juan Islands in Washington State for about 11 years and I started writing to my oldest daughter because I still had to commute to Seattle regularly and wondered sometimes as I flew down the highway at 70+MPH if I would make it home! I wanted her to know who I was.
Then when she was about four, I experienced a remarkable event. We were going fossil hunting with friends and their kids, and I had lots of fossils already, so I said, “You can have anything I find.” Then I added, “Unless it’s small and special.” The way I said it really stood out for me, like it echoed loudly in my mind and I wasn’t supposed to forget it, and I found one that fit that description the next day, so I wrote about it, but I didn’t know what to do with the story.
A couple of years later, I experienced another more dramatic event and it actually gave me enough courage to walk away from my marriage. When I did that, leaving alone with my two daughters, I found myself on an incredible journey of very difficult challenges and remarkable gifts, a lot of which involved my children. But I was also writing at that time about my personal experiences as a woman, so a little over a year ago, I wove them all together as a memoir. I describe it now as a feminist’s spiritual journey. I think some of the shifts in my perceptions about life, due to my experiences, gave me a voice I never dreamed I would have. The tough part is finding an agent/publisher, but I am trying to be patient.
How are things going in your life now? Are you still in Nairobi?
Hi Ceejae, nice to hear from you again. Hang in there trying to find an agent / publisher…or what about self-publishing? I am in the same situation with my first novel, it is so tough isn’t it when you believe in something so much so not wanting to give up on the search for somebody to represent you. I am considering publishing myself, but my main issue is putting money into it which I don’t have too much of!
Yes, I am still in Nairobi, all going well, now running something called Magic Pencil which is giving greater access to creative writing and poetry for kids and working on novel number 2 in the meantime!
One of the pivotal stories in my memoir has a number of poems that I am hoping to get permission to reprint and I think I will have a better chance of getting those if I have representation. I feel like my story is unique enough that someone will take it on, but I am rethinking the query, trying to more clearly state the reason I think it needs to be published.
Three friends are currently reading it and one of the agents asked, as one of the items she wanted to see in a query, “What do readers say about it?” So I am on hold for a little bit to see what I get and will go from there. (Now thinking that’s a nice thing to include on all of them.)
Your Magic Pencil project sounds wonderful! I am impressed with anyone who can take on the kind of adventure you are on! Jealous in some ways because it’s so different, but my life continues to provide experiences that are amazing and beautiful in their own way!
Good luck with your books and continuing adventure!
Take care,
Ceejae
I didn’t write much when my children were small, but your blog post reminds me that it’s important to involve our children in our writing even as they get older (mine are all teens now). They all take some part in my writing -giving ideas, reading chapters, offering critique. I still have to balance my time between motherhood, work, time with my husband and writing. I’ve learned to live with one foot in both worlds in order to make it happen.
Oh, Rebecca, it’s like you wrote this for me, to me. I’m learning to relax, to give myself a break, and to accept that I only have 24 hours in a day. I can not do it all right now.
I still write–I’m editing a novel right now–but like you, the days are for thinking and note-taking. The nights are divided between spending time with my husband and writing. At one point 2.5hrs would’ve felt like nothing, but now it’s amazing what I can accomplish in that time 😉
Thank you for this post. All the best.
Happy writing,
Natasha
Hi Natasha,
Sorry I only just saw your response now for some reason. Really pleased you enjoyed the article and I think you’re so right, that we need to learn to give ourselves a break and to celebrate the writing we do achieve rather than lamenting what we don’t get done.
All the best and really hope the novel editing continues to go well,
Rebecca
YES! YES! YES! Rebecca, we can never get this reminder too often! Our children can become our muse if we allow them. It is, however, difficult to remember that in our modern day lives..
One of my favorite poems is about dancing with my youngest in the rain and kicking at mud puddles. The poem also shares how that moment broke through my “writer’s block” at the time. You can find the poem here: http://www.tamarajmadison.com/poetry.
I hope you enjoy the poem and thank you again for this little jewel that can make all the difference in the world!
Hi Tamara, That is a fabulous poem, thank you for sharing that with me. It’s interesting, isn’t it, how the muse can visit us when we’re not expecting it and I think all too often it’s assumed that writing and children are incompatible; that we should designate ‘writing’ time and ‘kids’ time. But as your poem so well exemplifies, children and their wild abandon can bring us all kinds of unexpected inspiration. Thanks so much for getting in touch.
I did somewhat of the opposite, I wanted children for years and had my first “by accident.” Sort of. I’d stopped taking the pill. Why? I wanted to be as healthy as possible when my daughter arrived because I knew I had to continue working full-time. We’d just moved to an island and I found myself compelled to write about the experiences I was having, little gifts that made me feel like it was important to write my story.
I’ll check out your blog and Pinterest!
Ceejae
Good to hear from you Ceejae, thanks for leaving your thoughts.I’d be interested to hear what kind of writing you did when you moved to your island (which island??) and who you shared it with.