Writing Empathy Series: Empathy for YOU

Empathy for YOU

Jen Braaksma 

There’s a story about literary icon Margaret Atwood. I don’t know if it’s real—but stories don’t have to be real to be true, right? The story goes like this: Margaret Atwood was at a swanky party when she was introduced to a doctor, a renowned brain surgeon. “Oh, you’re a writer!” he exclaimed. “I think I’ll write a book when I retire.” To which Ms. Atwood coolly replied, “Yes, I think when I retire, I’ll take up brain surgery.”

The truth: writing is hard. Writing takes time. Writing takes practice. Writing takes training. But we’re always so hard on ourselves, thinking we aren’t doing it right. Or fast enough. Or good enough. 

That’s why we need to give ourselves empathy. We love our characters (even though we force them into dastardly scenarios) and we love our families (even though they may drive us crazy) and we love our friends (even though they may make us leave our keyboards when we should be, well, writing) but we often forget to look out for ourselves. We get worn down, trying to do it all and feeling like we’re failing. 

But if we had empathy for ourselves as writers? If we said, during every writing stage, “it’s okay that I feel the way I do”? Wouldn’t we be happier? At least calmer. And, dare I say, better writers. So yes, it’s okay if writing feels hard and frustrating and almost impossible. No one becomes a brain surgeon overnight, so why should you think you’re failing if you don’t become a renowned writer overnight?  

How do you show yourself empathy? First, you identify the whole bunch of  shoulds running around in your brain. I should write more. I should write faster. I should write better. Then you ask yourself why. Why should you write more? Or faster or better? To finish your novel and send it out into the world? Absolutely! That’s a great goal! But being realistic in how we set our goals is part of the empathy we need to show ourselves.

Think about this: have you ever watched the credits after a movie—I mean, all of the credits? Ever count the number of people involved? Ever thought about the number of person-hours that went into making the movie? Hundreds? Thousands? 

Ever thought about how long it takes you to watch that movie? Two? Three hours? 

Hundreds of people are working for hundreds of hours for two hours of your enjoyment.

When then do we think our own writing—what we’re creating for the enjoyment of others—should happen quickly? And should happen in isolation? It doesn’t—it doesn’t have to happen quickly, especially if it’s not your full-time job, and it doesn’t have to happen in isolation. You don’t have to do this whole writing thing alone. Share with your friends or family or find a writing community. Or, you know, find a book coach. I happen to know a good one. ☺

The point is to remember the fundamental premise: that writing is hard! And yes, it can also feel lonely and long and hopeless, and while it doesn’t have to be any of the above, sometimes it can feel that way. So give yourself permission to feel how you feel. It’s okay if you feel challenged, or spent or upset over rejections. By allowing yourself to feel your own emotions, you become kinder to yourself, which then helps remind you that along with frustration, writing also offers joy and fulfillment. 

And that, ultimately, is the best writing goal any of us can hope to achieve.

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: Contemporary Women Writers