A Kid Interviewer’s Suggestions for Talking with Your Children 

As a loving aunt to eight children and a writer who regularly interviews kids, I always ask myself whether I have listened closely and long enough to hear a child’s wisdom in any given conversation. I know for sure every sufficiently verbal kid has insights to share, and I see it as my job to seek them out. 

I just released a book based on my interviews with fifty kids ages five to nine about growing up in San Francisco. People have asked me how I gained so much information for the book about the children’s lives, personalities, and everyday concerns. Here are some thoughts about what I do that keeps kids talking:

Ask Open-Ended Questions 

When talking to kids, I rarely ask them yes or no questions. Many kids will answer even such closed-ended questions with stories, but for best odds that a child will teach me something about themselves, I prefer to ask “What is your favorite thing to do on Saturdays?” over “Do you like cooking breakfast on Saturdays?” 

Once a child answers any open-ended question I ask, I follow them down the path they rolled open in front of us. One story from them leads to another open-ended question from me, and so on, until I feel like I have a good sense of who the child is and what they have to teach me.

Be Fearless 

I don’t know why this is, but many people, including parents, tell me they freeze up when they talk to kids. Maybe children’s own general fearlessness feels disarming to some. To me, it’s freeing. Knowing we can talk about anything—keeping age-appropriate boundaries intact, of course—makes me fearless when speaking with kids. And since I trust myself to know what is and is not within bounds, I don’t worry about asking or saying something harmful. 

I know kids will be open to any question I ask, or if they’re not, they will frankly say, “I don’t want to talk about that.” So I just dive in. 

Go Deep 

This one goes in step with fearlessness: Just go there. These days, many people wonder how to talk to kids about COVID-19 and sheltering in place. With the kids in my life, I’m doing it the way I handle all my other conversations with them: deciding (or, in the case of other people’s kids, asking their parents) how much they should know about this scary time, then being an open, friendly presence within those parameters. 

It is understandable that people would worry about scaring kids with this type of information. But you didn’t invent this frightening world; you are just helping a child you love to navigate it. Once you decide how much you’re going to insulate your child from the facts, work courageously with the facts left on the table. 

Kids are perceptive, and many children are sensitive. Whatever your child’s temperament or personality, they are picking up that something is off in the world right now. You do them no favors by pretending otherwise, and in fact, it is reassuring to children to have someone they can talk to who will take their questions and concerns seriously. I always intend to be that person with the children in my life.

Introduce Levity 

While you’re talking to kids about any topic, be sure to laugh and have fun with them. If you are taking on the coronavirus, maybe you wait and introduce the levity until you’ve handled all questions and concerns. And the lightness shouldn’t be about the pandemic itself. 

But it’s helpful for kids to know that when they do discuss heavy topics with you, they won’t get stuck there. Knowing you are also a source of fun makes it easy for kids to talk to you about anything, since they know your games and jokes are always available to them if they need to lighten the mood. And when you create a universe of such games and jokes, you’ll have those to fall back on, too. 

— 

Katie Burke is a journalist and family law attorney, who has lived in San Francisco since 1999. Katie interviews kids in San Francisco’s Noe Valley neighborhood for Noe Kids, her column for The Noe Valley Voice. She is the author of Urban Playground: What Kids Say About Living in San Francisco (SparkPress, April 2020), a book of kid profiles based on Katie’s interviews with fifty San Francisco kids ages five to nine. 

URBAN PLAYGROUND

Rural areas cover 97 percent of the United States―yet more than 80 percent of the US population lives in urban areas. What is life like for the millions of children who populate our nation’s cities?

In Urban Playground, Katie Burke interviews fifty children, ages five to nine, who live in San Francisco. In each conversation, she explores one of ten different themes―family, school, pets, vacation, work, heroes, holidays, favorite foods, talents, and sports―followed by insights on the topic. She rounds out each segment with five questions for adults and kids to discuss after they’ve read it together, encouraging open, honest dialogue about young readers’ thoughts on the subject matter at hand. Future books in the series will expand into other major U.S. cities.

Fun, accessible, and interactive, Urban Playground is an important window into the ways children in cities think about and describe the most important aspects of their lives―which is every aspect of their lives!

BUY THE BOOK HERE

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips