Is It a Floor Wax or a Dessert Topping?

If you’re of a certain age, you will remember the classic Saturday Night Live “commercial” featuring Gilda Radner and Dan Aykroyd bickering over whether “New Shimmer” is a floor wax or a dessert topping. The argument is resolved when pitchman Chevy Chase steps in to demonstrate that it’s both!

I was reminded of this comedy sketch on more than one occasion while writing A YEAR OF LIVING KINDLY. Is the book self-help or memoir? I can make a case for both . . . or neither.

The Case for Memoir

A YEAR OF LIVING KINDLY was originally conceived as a blog I undertook for a year beginning January 2015. Kindness had been an interest and aspiration for many years. I was fascinated by the power kindness held, and the way I felt when I was in the presence of truly kind people. I had long aspired to be one of them and would periodically set that intention, only to see it fade and falter when work pressures mounted, incivility intruded, or I allowed the important to be crowded out by the urgent.

After more years of failed intentions than I care to admit, I recognized that the desire to fully embrace kindness was as strong as ever, but I needed something to hold me accountable. It occurred to me that blogging might be the perfect solution. A blog would be something I could fit into my busy work schedule, and the semi-public nature of a blog would hold my feet to the fire just the right amount.

I set up a blog in WordPress, invited a few friends to follow it, and started my deep-dive into kindness. That any failure on my part to follow-through would be noticeable was all I needed to be consistent in my intentions and my practice. And consistent I was—posting every Wednesday between 7:00-8:00 a.m.

For me, blogging was the perfect solution. It kept my intentions top-of-mind at all times. I was always thinking about kindness, about what I was observing and experiencing, and what I might write about next. It also allowed me to keep my nerd-flag flying. Since my first in-depth written report on California missions in the fourth grade, I have always loved research. Back then, it was the encyclopedias on my father’s bookshelves and our weekly excursions to the public library. Today, it’s Google, the internet, and our twice-weekly visits to the library.

I was overjoyed to see how much attention science has paid to kindness in recent years, thus allowing me to share the myriad health, business, and relationship benefits associated with living kindly.

I had a horror of writing a blog (or anything) that was all about me. So the fact that my blog could be a stew of research, observation, speculation, and experience kept it fun for me and I hope also for my readers.

It quickly became evident that committing to kindness is not something one does for a year and then moves on to a new pastime, say playing the tuba or conversational Italian or. I saw how life-changing kindness was for me and could be for the world, and committed to keep it central to my life for as long as I’m on the planet.

But I wasn’t sure what to do about the blog. It had been intended as a one-year endeavor. Do I keep it going or relegate it to the virtual hereafter? I put the question to my blog followers. I was surprised by the response—people wanted me to keep blogging and several suggested that I take what I had learned and turn it into a book. Happily, I continued blogging, and started mulling the book suggestion.

The Case for Self-Help

I was more than intrigued by the notion of writing a book. I had plenty of material and was gathering more every day. Writing has been my life-long passion. I had already coauthored a book a few years earlier, so I knew what I would be getting into. On top of all that, I had a subject that had become a mission: the world was spiraling into epidemic incivility and radical kindness was called for to change that.

The question I struggled with was how to write such a book. I knew I didn’t want to be the central focus. I was willing to share stories, anecdotes, and experiences, but I didn’t want to position myself as a paragon of kindness or an expert—because I was neither. While I had learned a lot and had a lot to share, I didn’t have all the answers, and I will never be mistaken for the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa.

I found my answer in a simple question that came to me one day: what sort of book would you have wanted as a companion as you committed to a year of kindness? That was easy. I would have wanted a book that would show me both the why of kindness and the how, that would introduce me to new ideas and alternative ways of looking at my life and how I respond to it without telling me what to do or how to live. I would have wanted a book that I could customize to my life and circumstances, not one that would claim to have all the answers and a single path I must follow.

As soon as I saw that I didn’t have to claim to be an expert or tell others how to live, I saw the book I wanted to write. The structure became evident and the chapters fell into place like precision Rockettes.

I tend not to read a lot of self-help books—or at least not to finish them. I am often intrigued by the subject, but put off by the author’s seeming assertion that he or she has all the answers and if you just follow their instruction, you will have the perfect life. I am obstinate enough—or perhaps I have simply lived long enough—that I don’t want to be told how to live or how to think, but prefer to be exposed to enriching ideas that help me to make those decisions for myself. That’s the book I wanted to write.

Part memoir, part self-help—it’s a hybrid that fits under both, or neither. And that’s okay with me.

At a bookstore event last week, an audience member asked me, “Do you think of yourself more as a writer or an advocate for kindness?” For an instant, Gilda and Dan flashed through my mind: floor wax or dessert topping?

“Both,” I answered, “Definitely, both.”

DONNA CAMERON is the author of A Year of Living Kindly, published in September 2018 by She Writes Press. She also coauthored with Kristen Leathers the 2011 book, One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing. She has published numerous articles and essays and speaks frequently on the need to restore kindness and civility in our personal and political discourse. She lives in a suburb of Seattle, Washington.

Find her online at https://ayearoflivingkindly.com/

https://www.facebook.com/DonnaCameron.author, or

https://twitter.com/@DonnaJCameron.

About A YEAR OF LIVING KINDLY

Being kind is something most of us do when it’s easy and when it suits us. Being kind when we don’t feel like it, or when all of our buttons are being pushed, is hard. But that’s also when it’s most needed; that’s when it can defuse anger and even violence, when it can restore civility in our personal and virtual interactions. Kindness has the power to profoundly change our relationships with other people and with ourselves. It can, in fact, change the world.

In A Year of Living Kindly—using stories, observation, humor, and summaries of expert research—Donna Cameron shares her experience committing to 365 days of practicing kindness. She presents compelling research into the myriad benefits of kindness, including health, wealth, longevity, improved relationships, and personal and business success.

She explores what a kind life entails, and what gets in the way of it. And she provides practical and experiential suggestions for how each of us can strengthen our kindness muscle so choosing a life of kindness becomes ever easier and more natural. An inspiring, practical guide that can help any reader make a commitment to kindness, A Year of Living Kindly shines a light on how we can create a better, safer, and more just world—and how you can be part of that transformation.

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips