Recovering from Depression: My Writing Journey
Two years ago almost to the date I told my mother that I wanted to kill myself. That I cried every day and that I needed help.
I was twenty-seven, a year out of university and working as a EFL and Business English teacher in various companies around town. I never quite earned enough money to make it through the month, debt had started to stack up and more than anything, I hated my job. It took me a long time to admit this, because I loved almost all the individuals I taught.
However, travelling to three different locations every day, coming home mentally and physically exhausted and never having enough time to prepare classes the way I’d have liked to, took a toll on me in a way only other introverts might truly appreciate.
The fear of leaving my house had started innocently: as days when I wasn’t proud of my preparation, or days when I realized that all my business casual trousers had holes in them and I couldn’t afford new ones. By the time I admitted to any of this, I was hyperventilating almost every morning, called in sick at least once every two weeks, and barricaded myself in my flat any time I didn’t have to work. I didn’t go for groceries, I didn’t see friends, I didn’t open my mailbox, and often I didn’t even take out my trash.
It was around that time that I started writing what would become my first published book, By the Light of the Moon. I’d wanted to be a writer ever since I can remember, but suddenly I had a terrifying new motivation: if I could make it as an author, I would never have to leave my apartment again. Everything would be okay, then. I just had to write a book or two. And at a time when I didn’t have anything else left, writing was something I could do. Something that felt productive, the only aspect of my life that gave me any hope for the future at all.
Half a year later, I lost my job. I took some time off for health reasons and when I came back nothing had changed, and I panicked at work. People saw. It wasn’t pretty and I never went back.
So I threw myself into writing. My first book had found a small publisher so easily, I wanted to keep it up. I had momentum for the one thing that was working in my life. And after all, if I could be a writer, if I could only make enough money, then everything would be fine…
But it wasn’t. You can’t rest your life on a single column. The inevitable writing crisis came earlier this year. A release triggered my first less than positive responses, which perplexed me particularly because at the time, I thought it was the best thing I had ever written. I doubted my ability to judge my own work, my ability to connect with the average reader, and most of all my strength to keep writing when I feared people’s reactions this much all of a sudde
n.
My writing stagnated, then came to a complete halt for months. It was easy to do: I had to edit, after all, and promote and figure out my life. A new project. I started reading books on introversion, tried meditating, yoga, exercising, and different modes of thought. And finally, the visits with my therapists started making sense and didn’t just leave me feeling worse. I got an in-house aid who visited once a week, who helped me open my mail, to go shopping, or to the dentist, and deal with the realities of life hands-on until I could do it by myself again.
It didn’t happen over night, but eventually, I could imagine a time in which I would be ready to face the world. And then one day, I could.
A few weeks ago, I started my new job after a year and a half without one. I like my work, I like the people there. And most of all, I like that writing is what I want to do again, and not a desperate attempt to cling to the sick person I was.
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Laila Blake (lailablake.com) is an author, linguist and translator. She writes character-driven love stories, co-founded the micro-publishing venture Lilt Literary and blogs about writing, feminism and society. Her work has been featured in numerous anthologies. Keeping a balance between her different interests, Laila Blake’s body of work encompasses literary erotica, romance, and various fields in speculative fiction (dystopian/post-apocalypse, fantasy, paranormal romance and urban fantasy) and she adores finding ways to mix and match.
Category: Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing
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Laila, I’m so happy that life is better now. I did write to you in February because of my strong belief that healing is possible only when professional help and self-determination work together, a little at a time, moving you forward. Depression and other ailments can pop up again, but having the tools AND the helpers to assist you through the darker times, is wise and wonderful. Like all writers, you are learning that nothing worthwhile happens in a flash, and everyday is a new beginning. Best!
Good for you honey. You made it through. Keep resting yourself well. Congratulations on your book.
Thank you for sharing this.
(I recognize the most, I’m just on my way back.)
Dear Laila,
This is a very inspiring read – I’m so glad you got through that stagnation period, to say the least!
As a longtime freelance writer diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 37, writing has helped me immeasurably. Aside from completing my book “Birth of a New Brain – Healing with Postpartum Bipolar Disorder” (to be published by Post Hill Press in Fall, 2016) I blog. The blogging community has been wonderful and I’ve “met” many encouraging bloggers who live fully with bipolar disorder.
Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us!
I wish you the very best,
Dyane
p.s I’m tweeting this link as many of my followers live with bipolar disorder and will relate to the depression
Dear Laila,
Getting to the point of wanting to suicide means you need to act NOW to get medical help. Writing a book, writing a grocery list, leaves unattended the core issues which caused the severe depression. I hope that you are taking care of yourself, so that you can be calm and strong in your writing. Mary L
Great blog. I am bi polar and haven’t been able to work proper hours in decades. But writing, that I CAN do 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand it well. I am often asked why I don’t leave my job and write full time. It is great when writing can be the thing that helps you heal and not the thing you whole life depends on. I am glad things are working out for you!
this is me, i have just read my life.
Dear Laila,
Thank you for opening up about your experiences and describing your humanity, thus allowing others to experience their own. This is the intimacy of reading that meets that need to know we aren’t alone in our difficulties. From an objective pov, it seems depression gave you and your writing greater depth. I have found this about mine too, as painful as it is to endure, it pushes me, eventually in new directions. So has reading your essay. I thank you for that.
Your story really touched me. I have been like this for years, since I was 16, in fact. For some people, socialising at work and play is a joy. For me it has always been something to be feared, endured, and even rehearsed, on the occasions when there was no way out! Slowly, through the years, I have learnt to recognise the signs of my depression/introverted-ness, and deal with it before it controls me! Found that writing has given me an escape valve for all the less positive feelings I have absorbed over the years. Wish I had discovered this when I was 16, all those years ago! Loved your article, thank you for sharing your story. xx
Hi…a very touching essay, thank you for sharing. I think we all go through sadness in our lifetimes. More or less, I did found myself in your piece. I wish us all a bright tomorrow!
wow..i can see myself in it ..the difference is i have not written a novel yet but other genres…:)
Wow can I relate to this! God bless you for sharing such a usually dark subject with others. Sometimes I’d really like to sit in my apartment, write books and read all day. Not healthy at all, but still a dream of mine. lol However, when depression kicks in, it makes it so hard to write and make it through the day. Glad you’re doing better!
Hi Laila,
Very honest piece on overcoming this ugly monster depression. I completely understand the feelings and emotions that come with it, and how helpful writing is or can be when coming out of a depressed mind. It’s cathartic.
However, my strategy re: dealing with depression, just like yours, goes beyond writing and it had been published on one of the blogs I often contribute to – http://www.defyingmentalillness.com/guest-blog-dealing-depression/
Stay blessed and faaaar from depression, Monika 🙂
Just wanted to leave I note that i have read this and never quite lost sight of you. I am truly happy you’ve found yourself again. I know how it is to become lost, and how much of an everyday fight we have to put up to just make it through. But in the end, we DO it. Hugs.
Awww hey you! Sounding like a stalker just to say hello *waves*. But yeah, I think in the end we all have to figure out how to get back on our feet. *hugs back*
I can identify with so much in your piece: the EFL teaching, trying to scrape by, debt mounting, relief and pleasure in writing. Thank you for sharing part of your story!
Thank you for reading it! 🙂 I think its the one way we can connect with each other across the world.
Hello Laila. What an amazingly strong woman you turned out to be! And braver than me by far. I commend you for your fight against this horrible illness and wish you all the best for the future.
Awww, thank you Jilly. I’m just doing what most people are: I try to do what I can on most days. And sometimes they are big steps and sometimes they are small and sometimes they are backwards, but I’m figuring out that all that is part of the journey. 🙂 I’m a cancer after all, hehe.
Wow, this was almost painful to read. Saw a lot of my current state in it.But so glad you are better, and wanted to thank you so much for bravely sharing this.
All I can say is that even when it feels like there there is no future or no way out, or no way to be the person you want to be, none of that is true. And everybody can get better. It just takes time, and a little bit luck and some kind of anchor, something to give you strength or hope and I know you can find that. Best of luck!
Well done for coming out the other end and surviving to tell the tale. I have just written a self-help book using my own dysfunctional upbringing and self-destructive young adulthood as a way to hopefully inspire others to overcome the darkness and turn their lives around. Please do check out my blog for more details http://mummytries.com